Woke up in the middle of the night hungry...really hungry...but eventually sleepy won out and I stayed put in bed. I'm staying for a few days with family and I don't think they'd really understand me digging in their fridge for carrots at 4 a.m. Felt nauseated during the morning, probably from hunger, so I had a heartier breakfast. Today we went as a family to the movie theater, which was quite an experience to take in the sights, the smells--of the popcorn that is--and still worse than that buttered temptation was a change in routine that placed the movie squarely during lunchtime. A postponed lunch by two hours when my stomach was already aching was daunting indeed. But, I made it though the movie, cushioned by gum, confusion about the plot line, and a growing need to use the restroom that kept me from focusing on my empty tummy. I felt proud to make it though the quick trip to the grocery store afterwards, silently repeating the mantra, "This is fuel, this is just fuel, fuel, fuel, fuel," as I ogled the bagels and Chinese food. Back at home, I enjoyed some fruit salad, yogurt, and a piece of bread. One thing I have to say about starting to diet, I think I may be appreciating the food I eat more. I savored each and every bite, savored the texture of the bread, enjoyed it to the extreme.
But, moving right along and switching topics, today I wanted to set forth some goals for myself. Weight Watchers says that you should focus on losing one to two pounds a week and I do feel that's very doable. If I average one pound a week, then in a year I would be 50 pounds lighter (giving myself a couple of weeks there where I don't lose anything). The first number that comes to mind about where I want to be is 199 pounds. I've stood on that brink, between being on the two hundred pound side and the one hundred pound side and promised myself to never step over again--and here I am again. The times I've reached that number I've felt proud and in control of myself and I want to regain that. After that, 175 is the next critical number that comes to mind because for my body, that's the line in b.m.i. that divides 'overweight' from 'obese,' a label that has cut into my heart since it was placed there in a 10th grade P.E. class. Not that I haven't earned the label, I'm certainly not denying that responsibility, but it's just that I've spent half my life longing to be "normal," (Long discussions could ensue here, but I'll save them for another day). I've spent almost half my life being obese and I just feel ready for change. Ultimately, I'm shooting for somewhere around 150 pounds or 150-175 pounds. I have been asked, isn't that selling myself short? Shouldn't I shoot for thinner? In truth, I don't envision myself as a slim person. Is that wrong? I'll never be slender or tiny or all the other descriptions that we mark as beautiful, and I don't feel I need to be. I'm okay with having some hips and curves....just maybe a bit less. If I follow the plan faithfully I should be able to be close to my goal of 175 pounds by this time next year. I feel ready for the challenge.