W13, Day 3: Skirmishes

Things fell apart this week.  I know, the week's not over and I still have four days left, but I'm pretty sure I've done enough damage that it's going to take out the whole week's progress.  What happened???   I lost control of things.  My discipline not only slipped, it fell off a cliff.  I'm upset and angry at myself, but that didn't really stop me from making choices I knew were wrong for me.

So, I started the week with good intentions and full of determination as always.  I had a good loss going all the previous week--until I got on the scale on Tuesday and was really disappointed.  You might wonder, "It was only a pound less than you thought, why's that disappointing??"  I'd have to answer that I put in so much anguish and hope into each and every ounce...it weighs on me constantly (some pun intended).  So anyway, I was disappointed.  Then there was the cake.  It was the sweetest, kindest gift I think I've ever received from a student, but it was too much to resist.  She made a homemade, incredibly smelling cake...for me... I already confessed that I had a large slice that day.  And I hoped that was it and that the others would eat it all up and the memory of the cake was enough.

Except that it was still there the next day.  And guess what?  Yup, another piece...and not a tiny one.  I wanted to not eat it.  I agonized about it.  I waged a mental war.  And for the first time since I started this round of WW, I feel like I lost.  I didn't choose to eat the cake rationally, I did it because I caved under the mental pressure.  And in that single moment, I was lost.  (Am I still lost???)

I tried to restart things today, but today was the worst yet.  It was fine until I stumbled into a staff breakfast.  I did put fruit on my plate....but then picked up the donut.  I didn't even fight myself, I just gave in.  And then we went out for dinner (after a lot of angst and discussion and in the end, giving in) and had a burrito.  The burrito burned with spicy pepper, so what else was there to do but finish it out with three mochi ice-cream balls?  The greatest of my food sins is not just the poor food choices, but the giving in.  What happened?  Where's my fight and drive?  I just feel so down and tired overall, not just about food.  But hey, everyone feels that way sometimes and they still have to make good choices, right?

So, I'm trying to put it in perspective and remember, "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it."  Adelante.

W13, Day 1: Giant Cupcakes

Weighed in today at 211.0, putting me at -0.6 and down 18 pounds total with a million and a half to go.  Honestly, I was hoping and expecting a good deal more than a 0.6 pound loss today.  From Saturday up till yesterday, the weights were in the low 210's and I expected much the same today, though I did go over my food plan yesterday by about 4 points (I didn't resist a handful of jellybeans...Note, not that I 'couldn't' have skipped eating them, simply that I didn't resist---maybe I do deserve that smallness in my loss this week.)

Speaking of which, I didn't do a good job today.  I just didn't.  Maybe because I was upset with the scale this morning (Yes, I know this is an excuse).  Maybe because of unexpected temptation.  Maybe because of tiredness.  But I'm worried that I've put myself back for the week I'm just starting.  So, here's how I transgressed:

1)  One of my students brought me an unexpected gift of a "giant cupcake".  I'd been making jokes about giant cupcakes recently and today she randomly brought me a cake shaped and decorated like one.  It smelled heavenly (and indeed, it was incredibly delicious).  At lunch I took it into the staff room to share with others, but I did have a large slice...a very large slice.  Homemade chocolate cake with a chocolate shell at the base.  Wow.  So good...and so not good.

2.  After work I went for a walk with a friend who comes over a couple times a week to exercise.  Directly after that, I worked in the backyard for an hour with my husband.  By the time we gave it up for the day, I was not really hungry, but I felt shaky and empty...I did not feel like cooking, but I didn't want to sit in a restaurant either, or have fast food.  So we went to the grocery store.  Nothing sounded good.  I was exhausted and hungry, but I didn't know what to get for dinner.  I stood for awhile at the Chinese food counter, staring at the general chicken (17 points per cup) and I almost, almost went for it.  In the end, I settled for a roast beef sandwich on a roll with cheese (probably about 20 points).  I came home and devoured it.  Now I feel awful because my stomach hurts a lot (eating the whole sandwich was too much food all at once) and because I feel like I just did such a horrible job today.  What happened?! (Okay, I've already answered that....)  I guess I mean, what happened to my resolve?

I guess the consequence is, I feel sick, both mentally and physically.  Where's the Pepto Bismo?

W12 Day 5: Nutrition

I'd like to take a moment to confess something here....It's probably already obvious considering my weight and body mass index, but I really don't know a lot about nutrition.  Oh sure, I know that fat, sugar, and salt are bad.  Whole grains are good (I'm not really sure what's different about a whole grain and a regular grain).  Fiber is good.  Processed foods are bad.  Dairy is good (which I almost never eat), but cheese, ice-cream, and regular yogurt (except Greek yogurt) are bad (Damn, I love cheese).  Salt is worse for you than fat in the long run, but too much saturated fat is worse for you in the short term.  You should lose weight by cutting calories.  Or by ignoring calories and eating only fresh foods. Or by adding more calories to boost your metabolism and exercising like a crazy person.  Or by only eating meat and vegetables and cutting out sugar.  Or carbs.  Or by subsisting on tomato soup and other liquids.  Or by praying for clemency from the chocolate gods out there that they'll release me from their hold.  Obviously, I'm confused.

Even though I know it's much out-dated, a lot of my basic ideas about food come from the old "Four Food Groups" model I learned in elementary school.

This model doesn't exactly work because it doesn't show you how much of each section you are supposed to go or show my favorite category, the fats.  I will also admit that there have been times in my life where my four food groups chart has looked more like this  --------------------------------------------->

I really didn't eat a lot of vegetables during my college years, and I've always had a problem with salt and sugar, and hey, why not throw in the alcohol there just for fun?

Then I learned the food pyramid. Not the updated one that's out and about now, but the older one with levels or steps that show you how much of each type of food you are supposed to get.  I kind of liked this one because it laid out the servings for me, but honestly, there's no way that I was following the chart.  Part of the problem is that my estimation of a serving is not really a serving.  For instance, a Noah's bagel (yum!) can actually be 2-3 servings of grains...wowzers!

According to this pyramid, the bulk of day's food looks like grains and carbs, with two to three servings of dairy and meats.  All the fats and sweets and other extras are to be used "sparingly" (Ha!).  

Then a few weeks ago, my husband and I were talking about this topic and he mentioned that my food pyramid model was outdated.  I had no idea!  Apparently I'm only six years behind the times.  Anyway, the new pyramid looks like this:

Now, I like how the fruits and vegetables columns put together are greater than the grains section because that's a lot closer to what I am eating on a daily basis.  The USDA has a good website that breaks down nutritional information for you and breaks down the vegetable category up further into different categories (dark green leafy veggis, orange veggis, starchy veggis, etc.) .  I really don't eat much in the milk category--certainly not three cups worth--though I know I should, or at least take my multi-vitamin.  It's also interesting that oil gets a spot on the pyramid now.  For now, I know that I don't know all that I need to and I'm going to take some time to collect information and make changes in small steps, but I'm also going to continue doing what I'm doing because it seems to be working, despite the occasional (or not so occasional???) cupcake.  

Here's the USDA website as a resource to anyone who might be interested:

http://www.mypyramid.gov/index.html

W12, Day 3: Day-to-Day

Tonight I feel hungry.  This is rather odd because I feel real hunger for the first time in a while.  I often feel detachment to food, boredom, emptiness, longing, but not a lot of hunger any more, despite the title of this blog.  Even now as my stomach feels like it is curling in on itself (that's almost like an ab workout, right??), I wonder if it is true hunger at all.  In either case, I could still have a piece of fruit or a vegetable to fill the hunger if I chose, but I don't because those things can't fill the true void.  Food boredom overshadows being hungry.

This may sound like a good thing--too bored to eat, cool!--but from previous experience I know this is a dangerous phase to go through.  What happens is that nothing sounds good to eat and everything seems dull and lifeless until I just can't stand it, and my will breaks by eating way too much of the things that I don't really want until I find the thing that calls to me.  It's akin to having to buy ten lipsticks to find the shade you really do want....it's not like you can usually return the other ones you don't want, or un-eat the food you had in the meantime (well, I suppose there are ways to 'un-eat' food, but I'm not given to that myself).

What I need to do is reflect and concentrate, refocusing on my goals....207 by my birthday, only five weeks to go....50 pounds by the end of the year...to be happier and think better of myself...self-respect and self-worth...a boost of confidence...to be a better and more controlled me.  I've just got to keep pushing myself because the sacrifice is worth it--I always know this in the long run, it's just hard to see on the day to day.

Maybe I should just skip the whole enterprise and invest in one of these.... or maybe not.  I shudder to imagine the spillage of my stomach squeezing through the grate.  Not a pretty image!  I do love the part that says, "Recommended by pseudo-athletes."   Hah!

W12, Day 1: Keeping Score

Today I weighed in at 211.6, putting me at -1.4 for the week and -17.4 pounds total with 61.6 pounds to go.  Today's post is going to be short because I am so tired and my eyelids feel like bricks, but I am satisfied with the loss for the week, though I was hoping for a bit more since it's not the lowest score I saw on the scale this week.  As I reflect, I realize it's sort of strange I chose the word "score" when talking about my weight--it makes it sound like a game, or perhaps trivializes the struggle, but really, keeping score is the best way that my mind absorbs the idea of making myself lose weight.

 I have to see progress, to feel as though I am "winning" to continue onwards.  While I shouldn't look at it this way, weight loss is monotonous and just plain hard and I realize that I'm starting my twelfth week (Welcome to the twelfth week of the rest of your life....) and it's all too easy to fall back into old patterns of behavior.  So, I keep score.  Minus on the scale for the week, I win.  Plus on the scale, the damn fat wins.  With my eye on the ball (or, er, rolls), I'm a determined player and I can be tenacious in the pursuit of winning and by golly, I'm going to be both a good loser and winner.  And thanks to everyone who has and continues to send their support--I really appreciate your help.  Go team!

W11, Day 7: Twas the Night Before

'Twas the night before weigh day and all through the house,
Not a creature was skinny (except for my husband), not even a mouse (Mouse?! Eww!)
The points were recorded in my food journal with care,
In the hope that the lower score on the scale soon would be there,
The kitties are all nestled snug in my bed,
And visions of donuts dance in my head...

Too bad dieting isn't more poetic.  A little levity can sometimes make it seem a lot more doable, though that's rather my philosophy about life in general.  On the whole, I'm feeling cautiously optimistic about getting on the scale tomorrow.  I think I'm going to make up the gain from last week and possibly a bit more, but my weight has been fluctuating all week in the positive direction, so I'm going to wait till tomorrow to call my official weight (anyone notice the homophones in that sentence?).  I'm a little concerned that I didn't really exercise all week, but I'm going to do better with that.  I truly wanted to get out in the backyard this weekend, but it rained solidly all weekend and our backyard was/is a giant muddy slushie right now...Good intentions + huge mudball= Not happening.  I'll do better this week.

W11, Day 6: Cupcakes

Today I worked the points and discovered that a homemade cupcake and 1 tablespoon of frosting is only 5 points.  The revelation rocked my world (does it reflect on me in a pathetic light that this is a true statement?)...and is probably not a good thing in terms of sugar consumption.  I have a freezer full of cupcakes and life is good.

W11, Day 3: Temptations

As I'm sure happens to many, many people out there, the time change has completely wiped me out this week.  Today I drove home in a stupor and crashed out for a long nap, ignoring both the work I had brought home and the rather fanciful idea of more yard work.  To be entirely honest, while I plan to spend Saturday doing another marathon round of clearing the backyard, I've really let physical activity slide this week.  My official excuse is that I am super tired, but even though it is true, it's still an excuse.  I'll do better next week.

In the meantime, I am currently being plagued by the idea tonight that I need dessert.  Sweets are my constant temptation.  Today at work there was a potato potluck for Saint Patrick's Day and I did relatively well in selecting a small potato (I'd had a properly portioned potato the night before to help me recognize an appropriate serving today) with a teaspoon of butter and some salsa, but I also had a small piece of cheesecake and a piece of a cookie.  I dragged out that piece of cheesecake for over twenty minutes, savoring each little sweet morsel.  I do try to avoid sweets during the day, but often save some points for a little something after dinner.  My brain seems to have forgotten that I've already had my sweet for today and it's been repeating "Dessert!  Dessert!  Dessert!  DESSERT!!!!" for the last couple hours.   Honestly, I don't think I can hold out much longer, but fortunately, we're headed for bed soon. (And yes, I know that fruit is always an option and I eat lots of it, but it doesn't satisfy that intense 'processed sugar' need.)

I feel angry at myself on some level---I'm in control here.  My mind is me.  So why do I have to fight this compulsion so hard?  I can't stop thinking about it and I want it to just stop already and be normal.  Or maybe this happens to everyone?  I don't know.  Maybe other people are just better disciplined.  I do feel this is a learned behavior, a routine, which is part of why it's so difficult--my mind and body expect the reward, the happiness of the sweet, the release.  Not tonight though.

W11, Day 1: Setback

Today is weigh day, usually my favorite day of the week after the initial anxiety of getting on the scale (and of course, with the exception of work).  Not today though.  Somehow this week got off on the wrong foot and I never quite recovered.  So, without further ado, today's weigh in was at 213.0 pounds, +1.0 from last week.  Ugh, gain.  *Sigh*  Ah well, I knew it had to happen.  You can't go every single week with a loss, even though it would be nice.  I won't pretend I'm not disappointed and, actually, a bit confused too.

So, time to reflect on what happened since this is not the direction I want to be headed in.  The first big event seems to have been that dinner out because the scale picked up those two pounds immediately after that (notice the passive voice there, "The scale picked up" the pounds, not my hulking body).  I honestly didn't and don't think that I ate two pounds worth of food, especially since I charted my points conservatively and still had half my allowance points left over after dinner.  In terms of calories, if every pound is about 3,500 calories, that means I somehow put on around 7,000 calories that day, which just is impossible looking back at my food record for the day.

Every time I've done WW though, there has been a week like this at some point, which makes me wonder if calories in really equals pounds out.  If a person is eating the appropriate number of calories, how can there be a gain?  After talking it over with my husband--what a good and supportive guy!--we decided that I possibly had more carbs this week:  more rice, more bread, more potato.   Even though I stayed in my points, I consumed fewer vegetables and more carbs.  Now, lest you think me slacking in the fruit and vegetables department, I hasten to say that means on average instead of getting 8-14 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, this week I ate 8-10 servings a day.  

So, what can I do but continue on?  I'm upset, yes, because I feel I worked really hard to keep my body on track, but that's how it goes.  I don't want to be trapped in body that doesn't represent who I am.  Every time I look in the mirror, I see someone else looking back at me.  Yes, it's vain, but I've never pretended otherwise.  I'm going to take this week and do my best.  I turn 30 in a month and a half and I'm determined to enter the new decade at my best--207 by May 3rd--I can do this.

W10, Day 5; Who needs the gym?

Today, we spent the day working in the backyard.  As stated in a previous post, our backyard was a jungle.  It's just been so much work trying to put it into decent condition.  Perhaps because of those two pounds this week (which is starting to level out this morning on the scale), I was super determined to work my body hard.  One might not think that yard work is all that hard work, but I was chopping, pulling, shoveling, yanking, weeding, etc. for hours.

At one point, I was working so hard I was panting.  Later in the afternoon I thought I was going to throw up, but I pushed through it and held it down.  I was just determined to finish the various yard projects I was working on.  My goal is to have my backyard be done by the summer so that we can go out and enjoy it.  We worked for hours and I am so wiped out.  I am worried about how sore I am going to be tomorrow because I'm already feeling the ache in my arms and shoulders.  Guess I'd better keep the Motrin handy!  But overall, despite the pain, I feel really good about our work today both because I did so much exercise and because the yard is coming along.  Onwards!

W10, Day 4; Meh...

Yesterday I was going to post an entry, but I was just so exhausted that I simply gave up, took some Benedryl (I've been having trouble sleeping lately), and went to bed early.  A full night's sleep helped me get through the day with a bit more gusto, but I still don't feel quite at my best.

Adding to that is the angst of the scale this week.  Perhaps that's part of why I was reluctant to write the last couple evenings.  On the positive, I had a nice dinner with my husband on Wednesday night.  Apparently too nice.  Okay, here's the food down low:  rice, beef, cucumber, two eggrolls, and a shared piece of cake.  Not too good, but not exactly horrible either.  Or so I thought.  Until I got on the scale the next morning at it showed a two pound gain.  My foggy morning brain, "No.  That can't be right.  I'll try again."  Two pounds.

My thoughts, "Maybe water weight?  Maybe it'll pass through in a day or two?  Two pounds!  That can't be--for one dinner??!!"  Unfortunately for me, that two pounds seems to be sticking around since I carried it into today as well.  Odd that eating that one meal should affect me so much--I didn't feel that I did that badly and it was little to what I've had in previous weeks' bonus points meals (pizza, burgers, etc.) and still lost weight.  I know it's about time for a small gain as this has happened in previous WW attempts as well, but it's hard to accept.  But it feels unfair too.  Ah well, it's probably a waste of time to agonize about a small gain to my waist.  But phooey.

W10, Day 1; Poor Math

Weigh Day!  The exclamation point is to emphasize my excitement with the scale this morning. 212.0.  Not bad.  (Well, I mean, it's obviously bad, but not a bad loss for the week.)  I was very sad to realize that I had done a faulty job with my math in previous weeks and I actually have 62 pounds to go to get to my goal of 150.  Bummer, especially since I was getting pretty excited about having less than 60 pounds to go.  Ah well.  So, at 212.0 that puts me at -17.0 pounds in the last 9 weeks.  Not bad.

After work today I really wanted a snack, but I didn't want to spend the points.  What to do?  My husband and I went outside and worked in the backyard.  A couple of blisters and an hour and a half later, I felt pretty good about myself.  It was pleasant outside and I enjoy creating order (though I'd prefer the yard needed a bit less order) and while I meant to spend just a few minutes outdoors, the time flew by.

Tomorrow I'm going to bust into my weekly allowance points, I'm admitting it now.  My husband has wanted to try out a local Vietnamese restaurant.  We're going to have a date night.  :)  Again, one side of me has to wonder, why does food always equate with love for us?  But eating out is fun and I'm looking forward to going out with my husband.  I'll try to choose wisely.

W9, Day 7; Cost Plus

Yesterday we went to Cost Plus to look at some odds and ends for our house and inevitably, I ended up perusing the snack foods.   With all those tasty things just sitting around on shelves, lonely and in need of some lovin's (in my belly), it was a difficult trip.  In the end I bought a teapot and some loose leaf tea (pretty harmless purchase), one small bag on mini cookies, and a bar of gourmet chocolate (duly and properly broken up into sadly smaller and more responsible portions).  The biggest temptation was the majorly delicious, sinfully good shortbread cookies.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  That's an "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" out of memory, not out of Sunday's experience.  My favorite brand is Walkers and while I didn't buy any, I admit to standing there and looking at the shelf with longing.  I must have looked a bit like a crazy lady as I stood there drooling.  :)  Sweets are the biggest temptations of any foods for me, (though french bread, cheese, and wine are not far behind).  

I have been munching on those cookies a bit in the last couple days, but they are so small that each cookie is worth only 1/2 point, so it didn't do much damage (I hope!).  We'll see tomorrow!  And if the weigh in goes badly, well then, at least I have cookies to soothe myself with (I'm kidding, kidding, I swear!!!  Okay, mostly kidding!)  On we go!

W9, Day 5; Clothing Tornado

Today I finally confronted one of my big reluctances....I measured my parts.  I needed to know exactly how far it'll take that tape measure to get around my body...maybe I should have tied a couple of tape measures together??  Well, no, not quite, but still, it wasn't good.  I was feeling pretty down after comparing today's measurements to my old ones.  Ah well, one step at a time, right?

So, to cheer my self up, I decided to see if I could shop in my own closet.  I took out every piece of clothing I own: from the closet, under the bed, in my dresser, boxed up, etc. and laid them in heaps upon the bed and floor.  I took everything except the clothes I am already currently wearing on a day to day basis and tried them on piece by piece.  From this, I separated them into piles:  "It's gonna be a LONG time till I can wear this," "Oooh, ooh, I can almost wear this," "I think maybe I can wear this now (my favorite category)," "This is too big (huzzah)" and "Why do I even own this???". There were clothes everywhere, just everywhere, as if a clothing tornado had ripped through our bedroom and even down the hall.

The really exciting thing is that there were several things that I tried on that fit me again.  It's so much more fun shopping in my own closet and finding things fitting because not only is it way cheaper, but I have an emotional attachment to the clothes and to fitting into them again.  I pulled out three pairs of work pants, several shirts, and a skirt that I can wear now....how cool is that?!  :)  I also retired a couple of pairs of pants and several shirts.  I may not see progress in my body or in its measurements, but at least my clothes are starting to fit again.  Not to be pessimistic, but this time I boxed up my big clothes instead of giving them away--I don't ever want to fit into them again, but last time I got rid of them, I unfortunately ended up needing them again and was up a creek without a paddle.  Hopefully though, with discipline, I'll never need them again.

W9, Day 4; Mindset change??

I guess lately I've been talking a lot about my food transgressions.  I realize that for me that goes with the unstated daily accounting that says I am doing what I am supposed to be doing most of the other days.  I do work on a daily basis to stay in my food goals; I eat tons of fruits and veggis; I have cut way back on the carbs and fats; I log my foods; I try to use restraint and prudence around food; I try to exercise more.  It isn't easy.  These are not natural behaviors for me yet and I do get terribly tired enforcing the rules.

I used to dream, fantasize, wish every day, multiple times a day, to somehow magically be transformed into the thin, beautiful person I wished was inside.  I felt that if I could just somehow instantly have that thin body, then I'd maintain it.  I'd do what it took to keep the weight off.  Whatever it took.  Now I know that's not true.  

Over the last few years of doing WW, I've learned that weight loss is a process of retraining not only the body, but the mind too.  I have to learn again and again how to behave myself around food.  It's not easy.  Sometimes the desire for food is so strong that I just want to eat and eat and never stop.  I dream intensely of food.  (Some people have sex dreams, right?  But no, not me, I have to dream of donuts.)  It's taken me three years to get to this realization that I have to go through the process of relearning everything.  And it's so damn hard because my mind and body is in a constant state of want.  I have so far to go and it scares me because I'm going to have to cut back more if I want to go farther.  If I'm so empty now, how can I cut more??  I know there are things I can cut down, like my weekly allowance, but that's what's keeping me hanging on at this point.  I guess it's better to put my head down and try not to look too far ahead.

W9, Day 2; In-N-Out

Okay, so I wanted to admit that after a very long day at work today, I chose In-N-Out for dinner.  Worse, I used the food as a reward.  I wanted a cheeseburger last night really badly, but I held off and made a vegetable soup instead.  However, I told myself that if I could get through the long and difficult work day the next day, I could have a burger for dinner today.  So I had to keep my promise to myself, right????  Okay, I should have promised myself some non-food item:  a bubble bath, a sugar-free iced tea, a movie, etc.

But by golly, that was a damn fine burger.  Thank you In-N-Out.

W9, Day 1; Another goal

Weigh day:  today's total is 213.8, which is -1 pound for the week and -15.2 pounds total, with ultimately 59.8 to go.  On the one hand, I'm happy.  Last year I was stuck on 214 for three weeks in a row and I was so frustrated getting past that number.  Also, I did lose a full pound.  But from where?  I guess I'm growing discontent with my loss--I'm being greedy without wanting to put in greater sacrifice and effort to get greater results (ex. more exercise).  A good week's loss is one to two pounds.  My weekly average is 1.6 pounds, so things are going all right.  But every time I look in the mirror, I don't see it.  I see my body and to me, it looks the same as it did fifteen pounds ago.  I guess fifteen pounds is just too small a percentage to make much a difference.  I try to remind myself, "You're doing well, you're doing great" all the while fretting over every lump, bump, roll, stretch mark.

It's crazy, but I almost feel worse about my body now than before.  Weird, eh?  But every lump and roll looks so much worse to me.  It can't be worse, right?  Maybe the process of losing weight stimulates the mind to imagining what the body could, should, might look like.  Compared to those fantasies, the reality feels no where near enough.  And I swear my chest has gotten smaller--that's just no good.   My chest has shrunk a bit, but my stomach has stayed the same (my pants still fit about the same), so I feel especially out of proportion.  *Sigh*  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.....

On another note, I'd like to add a new goal.  Last year I wanted to be at 207 by my birthday in early May.  It didn't happen.  I didn't really get very close.   I want to make it to that point.  207.  It's a landmark weight for me and I think I can do it as a birthday present to myself.  A very merry unbirthday to me, to me....