Y2, W12, Day 3: Recap

Okay, I missed logging in on my weigh day.  It was pretty good considering the week before, coming in at 197.4.  Since my scare a week and a half ago, I've been logging my foods each day (though not necessarily staying within my calories each of those days).  Things have been going pretty well so far this week too, so I didn't skip blogging because things have been going badly.  It's a lame excuse, but I've been so tired this week.  Since last Friday, I feel like I've been run over my a small dump truck.  Why a dump truck, you ask?  I don't know, that's just what I imagine.  Next week is my spring break and I am more than ready for a little rest.  In the meantime, I'm still dragging myself off to the gym before work.  Thank goodness tomorrow's Friday.

Y2, W11, Day 1: The Brink

Okay, I seem to be a broken record here...struggling...not doing what I need to be doing....lost my focus....try again next time...blah, blah, blah.  Maybe that's why I've not been more inspired to be more consistent with this blog.  And then last week I didn't even bother to log my foods at all--I mean, why should I when I can keep on track of the food stuff myself, right?  I didn't even get on the scale because my brain said, "It's fine, you're fine."

And then I got on the scale Sunday night.  201.4.  *Pause for a moment of well-deserved but still painful angst*

I know, I know, it's just a number, right?  But in my mind there is a deep divide between being on the one hundred side of things and the two hundred side of things.  This isn't just bouncing around the same couple of pounds, this is absolutely moving in the wrong direction.  It's so frustrating because I know it shouldn't be, but so much of my feelings of self-worth are tied up in a stupid number.  If that number goes up, I feel the shame of being lacking in self-control.  I see myself differently and it's not for the better.

I panicked and immediately started planning what I was going to do differently (log my foods, stay focused, etc.) so maybe the whole thing is a blessing in disguise because fear, agitation, and guilt have given me a kick in the pants to do what's needful.

I logged my calories yesterday and today and I weighed in this morning at 199.4.  I've got to get away from that brink!

Y2, W10, Day 2: Weigh Day

Okay, I missed weigh day yesterday for no good reason other than I was watching a movie with subtitles and I couldn't write and watch.  However, I did weigh in at 197.4, the same as the week before.  I didn't do a good job with food last week and I know it.

This morning I met with my trainer as usual.  What was unusual is that she wanted to do a measuring in.  My favorite thing (said with some sarcasm).  Not only had I gained a pound and a half since the last time in the beginning of February, but I gained slightly on the measurements in most areas.  When I say slightly, I mean a tenth to a quarter of an inch of gain, so it's not like I added an inch or two anywhere, but still, you want to see that tape measure show you good things.  The only good thing was that for some reason we hadn't checked my body fat percentage since I'd joined the gym nine months ago.  I've lost eight pounds of fat since then.  You might be thinking, okay, what's so special about eight pounds?  But it's the 'of fat' part that's cool since fat takes up more space than muscle.

Regardless, maybe it's the little kick I need to remind myself of my goals and push myself harder to get out of this plateau I've stuck myself in.

This is about 1 pound of fat...I'm happy to be eight less of these.

Y2, W9, Day 5: Where's the shovel?

Despite my best intentions to keep up with my blog, I have totally flaked out this week on posting.  Things were going well last week until this week, when everything fell apart again.  It began with a two day long training on Monday and Tuesday.  Any time my routine is changed, things become more difficult.  Toss in a supply of pastries and muffins and eating out at lunch and suddenly I'd consumed way too many calories.  So I skipped weigh day.  I did weigh in (at 197.4), but I didn't write an entry that day because it was a gain and I deserved it and I didn't want to face it.  I didn't feel ready to face the failure.

I returned to work on Wednesday, but I didn't log my calories in the morning for the entire day as I usually do.  I ate what I felt was a regular day until it came time in the evening for me to log everything.  I was shocked to discover I was hundreds of calories over for the day.  Yikes!  On Thursday things were finally back on track.  On Friday I was determined to keep things going, which I did until I got to work.  Suddenly I found myself falling prey to the much dreaded Friday treats.  I had two donuts and plenty of coffee cake.  By that evening, since I'd already screwed up during the day, I added a piece of cake to that.  Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.  I know these foods are bad for me.  I know they are in the way of me reaching my goals.  But I always feel that when the day has gotten away from me, I'm already lost and I might as well eat my way deeply into a hole.  I know that doesn't make any sense, but it's where my mind is.  I need a mind shovel to dig myself out of this place...hopefully it'll begin tomorrow.

Y2, W8, Day 2: Carboholic

 A really long day + a full day of sharp back pain = carb overload.

I got home late tonight and after dinner I ravenously attacked a bag of rice cakes.  On the bright side, if rice cake zombies ever rise up to attack the humans, my crunching skills are totally developed.  I do enjoy caramel rice cakes because they taste sweet and they remind me of Lembas bread (elf bread), and anything that makes me think of Lord of the Rings is just peachy in my book.

I think I was lost for today.  Throw in tiredness, emotional work meh, and pain, mix it into a day and you get eating.  I am so hungry.  I'm just not sure it's a mental or physical need, but I'm guessing the former.

Y2, W8, Day 1: Weigh Day

I had fun dressing up for an Oscar party on Sunday.

Yup, it's Tuesday, good ole' weigh day.  I can smile this week too because the scale said 196.4, putting me down -1.6 and getting me back on track.  I feel really good about this loss and it's more than I deserve considering last Friday's food antics and a really fun Oscar party on Sunday night.  So, woohoo!

I worked on my jogging this morning and I'll do it again later this week.  I do have to say that it's not nearly as much fun to jog at the gym (though it is easier to measure pace and timing) as it is outside.  One of the things I really like about the jogging idea is the opportunity to experience nature and be outside.  One thing I've noted this year is that I really am happier outdoors.  I feel more at peace and less in need of sugar.  It's part of why I enjoy being out in the garden.  I step outside to dig around for a few minutes and hours fly by without my feeling hungry.  I'm pretty sure I'll go for another jog along the creek this weekend.  I want to enjoy the last few blossoms before they fade away (not that I don't enjoy the fresh green leaves that follow too).  

So here's to starting a new week and being successful.  I'm still hungry most of the time and I'm really wishing that would fade away like the blossoms since it's not nearly as lovely, but I'll just keep taking it day by day.  

Y2, W7, Day 6: Weekend in Review

Okay, so I have to go back to Friday.  I knew that a cheeseburger and fries was not healthy for me so I reluctantly gave up the idea in favor of salad and ground turkey.  I avoided Friday treats at work in the morning, as usual.  Unfortunately, there were still tons of treats around by lunchtime, including a bunch of donuts.  I ate two and a big handful of nuts.  Yikes!  I don't know what happened.  I was in control, in control...and then I wasn't.  And that's not the worst of the day.  I went home and lay down, intending to rest for just a moment--and then fell asleep for a couple of hours. I woke up very hungry, tired, groggy, and not feeling like making a late dinner.  We had the burgers.  Horrible, right?  I know, it was a bad day that totaled me at 1,300 calories over my daily target.  Whew.

Yesterday was a lot better and I stayed in check...probably out of remorse for the day before!  But one thing I felt really good about was that I went jogging.  Mostly it was walking--I walked 35 minutes and jogged for 15, so that's a lot more of the easier exercise.  But still, I've always found jogging so difficult to do.  Previously to this last six months, the longest I could jog in a stretch was for 30 seconds.  Yes, I'm serious, 30 seconds was agony with each step feeling like a blow in my whole body, my face red and dripping with exertion, and me huffing and puffing for breath.  Now I can run in 1-2 minute stretches without feeling like I am dying.  I'll be out of breath, but no stitches in my side or any pain.  I know 1-2 minutes isn't long at all to run at all, but it's such an improvement for me.  The big difference is that previously running was painfully, extremely hard.  Now it'd doable and even kind of fun in a way once I discovered I can do it.  I think this week I'm going to skip the resistance treadmill walking and try out the jogging to see if I can build up some more endurance.  Cool beans, eh?  I'm excited.

Y2, W7, Day 3: I Can Has Cheezburger?

The title of today's post is a tribute to my favorite cute kitty viewing site (I spend way too much time looking at pictures of cats when I could be doing other productive things like jogging, house cleaning, or lion taming), but it's really meant more as a question.

All week I've been craving an In-N-Out cheeseburger and fries.  The problem is that this is a pretty common craving.  We have In-N-Out probably almost once a week (though I have to say I always fit it into my calories).  Okay, that's my dirty secret.  I'm trying to get things back on track this week so I've been trying to ignore the craving, but visions of fast food are flying through my head.  I had a nice healthy stir-fry with lots of veggis and a little bit of turkey sausage, and while I am full, my mind is unsatisfied.

Okay, here's the question and choice.  Should I skip that cheeseburger or not?  I know that I can fit it into my calories because I go to the gym and work out before work and I can always go jogging/walking after work to burn some more calories to have a more comfortable calorie cushion.  On the other hand, I think I am looking at a good weigh in this week and I don't want to jeopardize it in any way.  And even if it works into my calories, I know it's not healthy or what's best for my body.  I know that, so why do I crave bad food so much?  I guess in the end I really know the answer to this question, I just don't want to accept it.  I rather wish I could just turn off the urge in my brain to indulge and eat--where's "OFF" button for mental cravings?

Y2, W7, Day 1: Weigh Day

Weigh day today and I'm really weighing in after skipping it for the last two weeks--path to the dark side!--and my weight's at 198.0.  It's a gain and I expected it and while that's not a good thing, I can accept it for today and do better.  And I did do better today.  I'm getting back on track, but I do think I need to check with this blog more often because it helps keep me focused.

Tonight I started re-watching the show Heavy about people who are extremely obese and working so very hard to lose weight in order to preserve their lives.  It puts my own struggles in perspective to see people who have hundreds of pounds to lose.  It's inspiring in a way to see their progress, but I feel sorrow watching them too knowing that their struggle will be long and arduous.  Will they be able to continue and maintain their loss?  Will I?  My heart goes out to them and I hope that they have been successful in reaching their goals.

On a cheerier subject, in an earlier post I wrote about how working around the house gives me a sense of purpose and a boost of positivity and joy.  I used these good feelings, a boost of energy, and tons of help from my awesome husband to transform our 'stuff storage' room to a guest room.  I don't have any before pics (because who needs pics of  random boxes and odds and ends?), but here are some after pics.

Y2, W6, Day 6: Purpose II

Well, how to begin.  I haven't posted in a week and I've missed publicly weighing in for the last two weeks because I haven't wanted to fess up on my lack of progress.  I can't seem to make myself do what has to be done around food.  I'm caving in, time and time again.  I have good intentions--don't we all, right?--but I'm having such a hard time putting them into practice.  The ridiculous thing is that after more than a year, this should be a piece of cake.  I know what to do.  I want to eat healthily.  I want to lose weight.  Maybe it's time to re-evaluate why I am doing this to myself.

In a way, I'm in a seductive food place.  I'm happy with my current weight.  I'm comfortable under 200 pounds, obese or no, too comfortable.  I'm physically a lot more fit than I've ever been.  Yesterday I attended a "marathon" two hour Zumba session with my stepmom.  When she asked me to go, I felt a twinge of fear; fear that I wouldn't be able to last or hold up for that time.  I've done Zumba before in years past and felt like I could barely go on after a half hour.  Not only did I make it the whole time, but though I was tired at the end of it, I wasn't spent.  I was surprised that my muscles were capable and strong.  I may be obese, but my body is getting stronger as the months go by.  I'm proud of that.

But losing weight?  I'm not.  I do a quick step back and forth over the same set of five pounds.  It's beyond frustrating.  But maybe I'm just not as focused as I once was.  Why am I doing this?

1)  I want to be healthy and live a full, active life.
2)  I want to be attractive and be able to find clothes that I like and look good. (Shallow?  Maybe, but still true.)
3)  I want to feel in control of myself and not have constant mental battles around food.
4)  I want to have a baby sometime in the relatively near future and I want to increase my odds of getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy (not to mention passing on good health to my child).

I have not weighed in several days and I'm a bit intimidated to see where it'll fall, but I will be weighing in this Tuesday and ready to refocus on the four reasons listed above.  I can do this, I know I can.  But maybe I'll reread these goals and ruminate on them a bit this week to remind myself of the purpose of everything.  And I will be more faithful to writing this blog because I truly believe that it helps me knowing that I am accountable to you readers.  Four thousand views strong, I thank you so very much for helping me stay on this path.  Thank you.

Y2, W5, Day 5: Purpose

I woke up this morning with a purpose:  to finally paint the one of our two spare bedrooms.  Okay, you ask, what does that have to do with weight?  Not much really, but I think I'll talk about it anyway.  :)

Sometimes the weekend can be really hard to stay on track because my time is unstructured.  I like to stay at home, relax, hang out in pjs, and well, eat stuff.  Eating is fun and relaxing.  It makes me feel good.  So if I'm going to avoid that food=happiness weekend pitfall, I have to have something to engage me.  In this case, a home decorating project is quite enough to hold my interest.  It gives my time a purpose and drive.  I find it amusing--and I'm not precisely sure why--that I appear to be the type of person that constantly needs something to do.  Maybe that's a good thing I'm a teacher...I'm constantly on the move, constantly running here and there, constantly making lists and ticking off lists scrawled on post-it notes.  At home I feel good when I'm doing things too.  Maybe that's why I like doing yard work (my other major to-do goal this weekend).  It allows me to be productive in a way that creates beauty.  Fixing up the house is similar.  It lets me be productive in a way that looks pleasing and feels harmonious.  It makes me feel good, just like food.

Someone once told me that in order to lose weight, you have to find a hobby that really engages you.  Too bad I don't know what mine is yet!  But I'd better get back to taping up those baseboards if I'm ever going to get to painting today.  To you readers out there, I hope that you find your bliss.

Y2, W5, Day 2: Struggling...

Well, I've missed a whole week of blogging, including weigh day yesterday.  That's never a good sign.  Generally when I haven't written for awhile it's because I'm floundering a bit, which was definitely the case last week.  Not only did the potluck go badly for my diet, but it continuing wrecking havoc the next two days with leftovers being so available at work.  Yikes.

I'm also struggling with a general lack of progress.  I weigh as much now as I did at Thanksgiving.  That means two or three months of no growth..or er, loss.  Actually, it's still loss when I consider that I gained ten pounds at Christmas and now have to lose them all over.  It's pretty stupid that I'm making myself work so hard by gaining and then losing all over again.

And to be honest, I really struggled this last week to stay on calories and failed most days.  It's so much easier to be responsible when I see the scale moving in the positive direction.  I've got to focus...which already didn't happen today...but maybe I can do better tomorrow.  There's always tomorrow, right?  Meh.

Y2, W4, Day 1: HUNGRY!!!

It's weigh day and I weighed in at 196.6, putting me at -0.8 for the week, which really wasn't too bad a place to end the week considering how off track I was with my food.  So good.

Here's my two problems or considerations for this week.

I'm hungry.  Very very hungry all day for the last few days.  I wake up hungry.  I eat breakfast and go to the gym.  I eat a snack upon return, but I'm still starving.  I go to work and try to ignore the rumble until snack recess, after which I try to hold out till lunch.

Today at lunch I ate my sandwich and working on my apple and veggis when I looked in my lunch bag for the sandwich I'd already eaten.  I felt keen disappointment to find that my sandwich bag was empty.  My handful of pretzels didn't make up for the want of a second sandwich.

I get home from work incredibly hungry and eat an early dinner, ensuring that I feel hungry again by the time I go to sleep.  I am in no way withholding food from my body and generally eat 1900-2100 calories on the days I exercise (most days) and 1650-1750 calories on the days I don't.  You'd think by now my body would have adjusted to the amount of food it gets.  I'm eating plenty of protein, but I'm going to boil some extra eggs tonight to have as a snack for the next few days.  We'll see if it helps.

Okay, the second thing that I've spent way too much mental energy on is a potluck at work tomorrow.  I hate work potlucks.  I love work potlucks. This probably mirrors the way I hate food because I feel such a dependence on it, and I love it for how it makes me feel good.  I always go into potlucks with a sense of determination and self-control, and a couple of plates later, I leave with a sense of failure and shame.  WW used the term trigger foods to represent foods that you truly cannot control yourself around, foods that set off negative behaviors--pretty much most of the foods that I generally deny myself--and so much of those foods are on display at potlucks.  My control flies out the window, not to mention my progress that week.  I'm skipped out on them before, but it feels so lonely and forlorn to be sitting alone in my classroom at lunch.  I know it's a childish way to think of it, but it feels like I'm being punished.  I'm still not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow.  Guess I'll find out.

Y2, W3, Day 6: Keep Calm, Eat Chocolate

So I'm going to admit something to you:  I haven't been great at sticking to my food plan this week.  *Phew* There I said it, I dropped the ball--though if it had been a donut ball, I would have grabbed that sucker right on up.

On the good side (it's always better to begin with the positives, right?), I went to the gym four times this week, worked in my garden for several hours yesterday, and I'm going on a long walk in just a little bit.  So I've truly been quite active for the last couple weeks.  On Friday as I was lifting weights upstairs at the gym, I glanced and noticed that my arm appears to have narrowed and has a little muscle ridge.  It may be pretty hard to see that definition, but I know it's there.  I will say that I've been sore most days of the week for the last couple weeks and I could do without quite so much muscle soreness.  Maybe I need to be stretching more.  Anyway, that's the good.

Okay, the bad.  I am struggling to stay within my calories.  On Tuesday I ate too much tasty, but unhealthy stuff at and a teaching meeting.  I was careful for the rest of the day, but still ended up going over.  Then I saw nothing happen on the scale all week.  Weight Watchers used to say that you shouldn't weigh more than once a week because it can drive you crazy and I do understand because that was me this week, but I have to look.  But then I get frustrated too.  I want to see that number edging downwards, but this week it flipped back up and stayed there.

Normally by Friday I see some progress, but when the scale moved upwards Friday morning, I lost control.  It's ridiculous because if I'm not losing weight, that's when I should be at my strongest and push myself hardest, but the opposite actually happens.  I give up that day.  So bad food things happened on Friday, namely a donut, wine, Cheetos.... And yesterday I skipped lunch (which isn't good because the body needs steady levels of fuel, especially when you're battling rosebushes in the backyard) and being really hungry after, I went out to eat with my husband for Mexican food, followed up by half an ice cream sundae.  I'm embarrassed to write that, to admit that to anyone.  I think some of the hard part for me is to admit that I'm not perfect, over and over.  To tell you what I'm eating when we all know I shouldn't be.  I say I lack control.  It's silly that I'm worried about what others will think of me, that people will judge, when I'm also convinced that everyone struggles with something in life.  We'd all like to be better at something, right?  Warrior on people.

Y2, W3, Day 1: Defying Gravity

Weigh day today and it wasn't great at 197.4 (down 0.8) since I was hoping for a full pound, but seeing as there were a couple days where I went well over my calories, it wasn't a bad total for the week.  I'm hoping that this week I'll get in a workout every weekday, but I already missed going to the gym yesterday due to a cold.

Happily, except for a little congestion, I'm feeling a lot better today and I was back on that elliptical early this morning.  I can tell that I'm going to be in a bit of pain tomorrow since my biceps are feeling pretty tender right now when I lift up my arms.  My trainer had me use my arms on the bench to do some seated dips after doing a bunch of reps of other arm weight exercises.  I was supposed to be lifting and lowering my rear and legs using just the power of my arms and shoulders.  Now I'm not being modest or facetious when I say that my posterior and legs are not light...that's quite a load for my arms!  Just as I was pondering mentally renaming the exercise to something like "butt bane" or "defying gravity" (in honor of the musical, Wicked), my trainer said, "Don't be thinking about gravity now."  It was like she was reading my mind.  Maybe that's a trainer thing?

This lady makes the seated dip look good.  Easy, right?

Regardless, I'd just like to point out what a virtuous exercise morning I had since I totally blew all my hard work at a conference that served an extensive (and tasty) breakfast.  The pastries called to me as strongly as they ever have and I admit to overindulgence.  Surely the two events equal each other out?  Ah well, that's life!  Back to yogurt for breakfast tomorrow.

Y2, W2, Day 5: Strong

This week I focused on getting my exercise routine back in place.  I went to the gym four times and for a long, relatively quick paced walk today.  I would have gone to work out, but I feel sore up and down, so I decided to give my body a rest.

One morning while I was plowing away on the treadmill, I noticed a show on one of the t.v. screens called "Scouted," about girls that are chosen at random to see if they could be models.  It seemed a bit silly as shows go, but easy to follow while I was trying to focus on keeping my legs moving quickly.  However, I noticed one girl, who to my mind was incredibly vibrant and lovely, was been criticized by the judges for being too athletic looking.  The problem wasn't that she wasn't thin enough or was too bulky or anything, but that she looked toned rather than waifishly, softly thin.

It sort of got me thinking about what I could envision my own body looking like.  I want to be thinner, but not incredibly thin.  I want curves in my hips and my chest.  It's funny to me how I used to imagine my body being the soft incredibly thin way I wished it could be.  But now after eight months at the gym, I envision the perfect me with toned muscles, including strong calves and biceps.  I guess perceptions change and after all my time invested in working out my body, now I want something different than I did a year ago at this time.  It's not enough to be thinner anymore, I want to be strong too.

Y2, W2, Day 1: Baby Steps

Weigh day today:  198.2.  This puts me down exactly 3.0 pounds, which is pretty awesome.  I'm still above when I was before Christmas by four or five pounds, but I'm under 200 pounds and three pounds is a great loss for a week, especially because I went overboard each day this weekend.

I am finding it more difficult to stay motivated this time around, but I'm excited about this week's loss and I'm hoping to see my body return to what it was pre-Christmas.  I was wearing a pair of older slacks today that felt pretty tight around the waist, so I know the extra weight is still sitting around my middle (as if I couldn't see it).  In a few more weeks, I think I'll be right back on track.

Last week I only hit the gym three times, which isn't great considering that before Christmas I was going 4-6 times a week, but I'm going to try for at least four times this week.  Baby steps, right?  From my experience this last year, I guess I've learned that this process is a marathon, not a short sprint.  Unfortunately, I'm not going to lose all the weight in a few months.  But maybe that's okay.  Even if that magically happened, I don't think I would be ready to maintain that weight because my mind's not ready.  I think my huge gain over vacation shows that I still struggle with food (or my nightly need for chocolate might be an indicator too).  Baby steps.

Y2, W1, Day 6: Dressing up

The first week of my yearly restart is almost over.  As I type this, I'm still hungry, but that's just par for the course.  Today I wore one of my new dresses that I bought for myself at Christmas for the first time and I felt pretty good about that.  It was sort of a reminder of why I'm struggling through this process on a day to day basis.  I mean, obviously I want to lose weight for many important reasons, but the process of carrying that out can get lost in the daily "why me?'s" and "it's too hard's" that frequently slither into my head.  I have to remind myself of my goals constantly and look for progress and small rewards, in this case, wearing a new dress with heels (very short ones) out in public.

Years ago, a friend once asked why I never wore skirts, shorts, or dresses.  He comically phrased it as, "What, you got tentacles or something instead of legs?"  And in a way I do...mental tentacles that I didn't want anyone to see.  Okay, I'll just admit it:  my legs look nothing like the image of beauty we see in magazines and on t.v.  They've got lumps and bumpy bits, veins, and discolored spots.  In other words, they're probably like a lot of people's legs, normal, but not perfect.  At any rate, while I still feel self-conscious showing off my legs, I'm trying to see how they could be sexy.  They're smooth and I'm seeing some definition in my calves, and by golly, why shouldn't I show them off?

So to wrap this meandering post up, I wore the dress and I felt good in it, but I'm definitely not used to the feel of these types of clothes.  I found the heels tricky to drive in even though they were only like an inch tall and the hem of the dress fell just above my knee, which was fine except that that when I sat   down it felt like the skirt rose alarmingly high.  I kept my legs crossed and folded tightly under me to prevent any wardrobe malfunctions.  Getting in and out of the car without flashing anyone was a little tricky!  Still, it felt good to dress up a little.  It's one of the fun reasons to lose weight.  Now I can't wait to try out one of the other two dresses I bought at Christmas time.  I just need a reason to wear them!

Here's a repeat picture of the dress, posted from an earlier blog entry.

Year 2, Week 1, Day 1: I'm hungry, what else is new?

All right, let's just jump in with weigh day to get that right out in the open:  201.2.  Not good after I was looking at the low 190's a few weeks ago, but it's just the starting point for the new year, not where I'm going to be forever.

Yesterday I got back on my food routine and it was totally and absolutely fine...until the evening.  I didn't experience much hunger, probably because I felt all out of whack with sleep and eating.  I ate a solid dinner and felt good afterwards for about an hour, after which I was desperate for something more to eat.  I wasn't hungry, but I wanted more so very deeply.  I resisted, but felt unsettled and finally went to bed unsatisfied.  I didn't go to the gym yesterday, but I figured going back to work and restarting my lifestyle change was enough for one day.

Today I hauled my sorry carcass out of bed at the 5 a.m. toll of the alarm clock and went to the gym.  It was very difficult, but I did a good workout and I stayed on my food plan as well, but I've felt hungry all day.  By dinner tonight, I was ravenous.

I'll admit though that when I came home, I noticed immediately that my husband had brought home some chocolate from work and it seriously took everything in me to not rip into it.  As soon as I saw it, I felt like I couldn't go on without it.  I'm not exaggerating here, I needed that chocolate.  I took a single square of Ghirardelli chocolate from the cupboard instead and ate it slowly and with relish.  It was rather disturbing to me how much better my body felt as soon as that substance was ingested.  Two days without the chocolate and processed sugar and I'm like a junkie going through withdrawl.  I literally got a boost from that one little bit of chocolate and felt noticeably better.  I need sugar.  Not good, eh?

Anyway, today's been a bit rough but I'm sticking to it and hopefully tomorrow will be a little better.  Step by step to get back on track.  But oh geez, I really want something, anything more to eat tonight.  *Sigh*

***On a random note, I'm going to reset the weeks when I post each entry, so it'll look like Y2 (year 2), W1 (week 1).  It's just easier for me to keep track of the weeks if I start over at one.  ***

W53, Day 7: New Goals

Well, obviously I'm missed a blog entry or two.  I entirely meant to write an entry on January fourth and I've even started mapping out what I wanted to say, but I've been so busy bouncing all around this last week that somehow I just didn't get to it.  Ah well!

My meandering journey towards Weigh Loss

Worse though, I let myself eat all over the map for this last week.  I knew I shouldn't.  It's not like I don't know what I'm not supposed to eat, but once I get off my routine, it's so very difficult to return and to get my brain in check.  This morning I weighed in at 201.7, but I'm hoping it's a bit lower tomorrow on weigh day as I total the final effects of this holiday season.

Today as I walked through the door at work, I knew I was also walking through the door back into my healthy lifestyle.  It scares me how easily I fall back into old patterns of behavior.  We ate out a lot in the last three weeks, and worse, I almost constantly grazed and munched.  I ate dinner, and then dessert, and then snack, and then topped it off with alcohol.  I love wine and I allowed myself to drink it freely without regard to calories.  I had copious amounts of sugar throughout the day.  I skipped out on the gym (in my defense, we were out of town for a big chunk of the time).  I gave up any pretense of control.

On the other hand, maybe sometimes that's needed.  Obviously, it's not okay to gain eight pounds in only a few weeks.  But I've read that constant control and self-discipline is like a muscle, it tires over time.  It's part of why diets don't work is because people can't exercise that control forever and it explodes on them in the form of binges or falling off the wagon...or cheesecake.  I'm not trying to excuse my behavior, but I can understand how this could be so.  I get so tired and having to be on my guard around food, to have to be so very careful.  Sometimes it feels good to let things go.  Regardless, I didn't meet my goals for this holiday season, but I'm still ahead of where I was last year by a significant amount and I'm going to let it go at that.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but rather focus on getting back to my goals, one day at a time.

So, it's definitely time to set some new goals.  Last year I wanted to lose 50 pounds and ended up at around 30, which is probably more reasonable.  I began my blog with the first weigh on January 4th in at 229.0 and ended up in the 190's by the last week of the year.  This year I would like to lose another 30 pounds from the 200 mark, putting me at 170 pounds.  That doesn't really sound that ambitious, seeing as I'll still be overweight at 170, but I don't envision myself as super thin or a size 4 or anything.  I just want to get out of the obese range, build muscle, and be healthy (and getting off my blood pressure medicine would be great too).

To sum it up, this year's specific weight goal is a loss of 30 pounds from my current weight of around 200, or a weigh in of 170 pounds.

I feel this is an attainable goal and it would be amazing.  Bring it on, year!

W52, Day 6: Resolutions

Okay, I have a confession to make:  I can't seem to stop munching, grazing, consuming.  There is just too much change to the normal routine and too much food all around me.  We returned home from another family visit yesterday and after more snacks to ring in the new year, I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 199.2  Wow.

It's almost like there are two of me:  one person is very alarmed at the big gains and is scared to fall back into old patterns, especially around sugar for which I have such feelings of constant need; the other person inside me just can't seem to handle herself, she lacks control.  It's not like she wants to gain weight, but it's almost light she's in a fairy land of thought, that somehow she can continue her behavior without any consequence.

And the consequence is, my pants are feeling decidedly snugger.  It's not just me imagining things either, I had to loosen my belt a notch!  I've noticed that when I gain sudden weight, it sits upon my waist like an extra inner tube.  Eeek.  I feel fat.

As this is the first day of the new year, it's tradition to think about our resolutions.  Here's mine:

I will strive to be a kinder, more active, healthier person.  And maybe even to try to think better of myself.

Do you have a resolution for yourself this year?