Sunday, July 31, 2011

W30 Day 6: Costumes

This is a bit early in the season, but bear with me.  I love Halloween.  I love the costumes and the pageantry of it all.  Perhaps costumes are a way of experiencing what it's like to be someone else for a bit, the thrill of being an actress for a day.  Further, I like historical costumes (yeah, I love Renaissance faires...huzzah!).  There's something romantic about long skirts and flowing sleeves.  Unfortunately, there is a sparse collection of costumes for plus size women in stores, so unless one loves being a witch every year, or does their costume shopping online, the alternative is to make the costume yourself.  Since it takes awhile to sew a costume, I begin a bit earlier than October to ensure plenty of time.  Ahh, see?  There's a reason why I'm talking about Halloween at the end of July.  :)
Last year I made a pioneer costume.  I used a plus size pattern but still had to extend the waistband because I would never have been able to fit into it without a corset to pull in my midsection.  I like the costume, but it feels a bit frumpy, partly because the sleeves are almost as wide as I am.  But it was fun to sew and I enjoyed the project.  I feel like making a new costume this year to reflect my twenty fewer pounds.  Something sweet and pretty to show off the somewhat improved me.  What could be better than a costume with a very full skirt and yards and yards of material?  Here's the pattern that I picked out for my new costume project.  It's hard to see clearly, but I'm going to make the yellow dress at the top.  The pattern goes up to my size, sort of, but I am going to have to modify it to fit my body.  Somehow when they plan out the patterns, I don't think they take into account that proportions change as a person gets bigger.  My bust and hips go with one size, but my waist runs two sizes bigger...eek!  
I'd like to make the blue and grey dress below the yellow one because it's so pretty, but I don't think that's a good choice for me.  It's lovely on the model, but I'm imagining that having those extra yards of fabric bunched around my waist isn't going to make me feel any trimmer!  That dress requires nine yards of material altogether--nothing like being encased in 27 feet of fabric to make a girl feel skinny!  

Anyway, I'll post pictures as I get working on my costume, but it's a reward to myself for my hard work at the gym and being careful with my food.  Huzzah!

Completely random to this weight loss blog (my apologies), but I got the chance to to write a review for one of my favorite books, The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson, on http://peninherhand.wordpress.​com/.  Check it out if you're interested in ghost stories and haunted houses!  See?  This is still barely connected with my Halloween themed post above...sort of...not really.  :)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

W30, Day 3: Judgements

I noticed an online article about a study done to determine if obesity is contagious because the researchers noticed that obese people tend to associate together (See link below for article).  The answer is...they don't know.  But it doesn't really seem that difficult a question.  First, unhealthiness seems to run in families because they all eat and live together.  There are common learned behaviors and a mutual family food culture.  Second, people like to feel "normal" and to be entirely honest, being obese makes you continually different around healthy people.  It's little stuff that makes us feel different, but it's still there:  going clothes shopping and either finding nothing to fit you while others shop, or fearing they'll see the size you're holding; going hiking, swimming, or anything involving physical activity because you fear you won't be able to keep up; going out to eat or anything involving food because you fear what others may think of you; if you simply exist because, yup, you guessed it, you're afraid of people's judgments of you.

I really shouldn't read people's comments because I always get annoyed, but I want to point out one commentator to this article.  I know that this person does not in any way represent the majority of people in regards to their view of obese people.  Rather, he represents exactly what we're afraid people believe.

"Maybe obese folks 'cluster' because us skinnier types find them disgusting, and don't want to be around them if at all possible. 'Fat' is unsightly. 'Obese' is revolting."  -MichaelS

No one wants to be judged, especially harshly.  Of course it makes sense that obese people would want to hang out with other obese people because they can expect more understanding and less judgement.  It's emotionally safer.  Being treated as less than a human being for any reason including your weight is demoralizing, crushing; it cuts deep in the heart.  It's natural to look for people that can see the "real" you...and some of those people might just be obese too.

On an interesting (and sad) side note, the article also points out that when asked, many obese people would rather have a disease, blindness, or herpes (uh, ewww) rather than be obese.  This may be a case of switching the devil you know with the devil you don't, but what, you might wonder, could drive a person to choose total blindness rather than obesity?  Obesity is curable, isn't it?  I saw several comments about this on the article's page.  Yes, obesity is curable.  Sort of.  But the stigma, the struggle, the real emotional pain, the addiction...this isn't about simple overeating or not exercising enough, it's a true life-long struggle.  Obese people aren't obese because we want to be this way.  I know for me there are still days when it feels hopeless.  I'm working hard at the gym, I'm trying to eat the right things the right way, but I still wake up some mornings and feel that I'll never make it and it'll never get better.  I've been overweight since I was in elementary school, obese since high school...most of my life.  I've thought about my body and been ashamed every day for the last twenty years.  Would I trade it for herpes?  No, of course, no...but I understand where those participants are coming from.  We all, everyone, just want some understanding and  a bit less judgement.  (And I'll get off my soapbox now.)

The link:;_ylt=AosgK2rx6yFp3SHLU5x6EtZrbqU5?pg=1#comments

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

W30, Day 2: Dessert

I have been dying for some chocolate the last few days.  So much so that my thoughts turned not only towards how tasty some chocolate would be, but also to when the last few times when I ate chocolate, reliving those precious moments, imagining the sweet chewiness of a chocolate pecan turtle.  *Insert drool here*  Anyway, in my random chocolate musings, I recalled a brief scene on our vacation last week that struck me.

One of my favorite places in Half Moon Bay is the Moonside Cafe.  It's a lovely cafe and, almost as good, it's connected to a clean bathroom for customers only (very important after a long drive).  We tend to frequent the cafe when we're in town and on this day, we'd settled down for lunch and an iced-tea.  At the table next to us was a couple and their young son.  He was probably about eight or nine years old and was enjoying a large chocolate brownie (it looked very tasty, just to help you imagine it).  After a while, he asked his mom if he could just save the rest for later because he'd "had enough".  The mom told him, no, that he needed to finish it because it would get stale and besides, they could have M&Ms for dessert since she'd already bought some for after dinner.

Yeah, so, why is this important you may wonder?  I guess it's not really, but it was interesting.  This child had more sense than his mother (or me for that matter) because he knew how to listen to what his body was telling him.  Enough is enough.  You see, enough is rarely enough for me.  If I'm full, I'm still probably likely to keep on eating because it's like the treat will just *poof* go up in smoke if I don't eat every single morsel right there and then.  I know it's ridiculous, but it's the monster inside me named WANT.  Want always desires more, more, more, even when it's not good for the body.  I need to take a lesson from that kid--and I hope that kid doesn't learn the opposite lesson, to eat when the body is already full and no longer desires it. Here's hoping for both of us.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

W30, Day 1: Weigh Day + Weight Training

Today is weigh day so I'm just going to get the weight thing out of the way right away:  208.8, putting me at +3.4 for the week, which isn't really that surprising considering this last week.  Okay, now we're past that part of the post and on to the more interesting part (to me that is).

I met with the trainer at the gym.  I only see her every other week (and I skipped last week when we were on vacation) and I've been very curious about the whole weights thing.  In case you missed that post, I've been upping my weights in my exercises higher than the trainer assigned me because I don't feel they were working the way they are supposed to.  I feel like I should feel something when I work out.  I don't want it to be too hard for me to physically able to do, but I want to give my body a push too.

I guess the first couple times I met with the trainer, I was too nervous to ask questions or say much of anything.  I felt intimidated even though she is very friendly because she's very fit and I'm way out of shape.  Today I just told her more firmly than last time that I wanted to work harder and that I wasn't feeling the weights she assigned me.  I explained that I want to do what's going to be most effective.  And you know what?  I think she was actually pleased.  She was smiling and joking around saying, "Okay, well remember, you asked for it!"  She gave me a couple high-fives during the workout and she definitely pushed me harder.  And it was hard, but I felt more accomplished.  I'm excited for the first time in the last four workouts (since we got back from vacation).  I know I can do it.  I may be fat, but I want to be strong.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

W29, Day 6: Trip Recap

Well, I'm getting back to this entry a little later than I anticipated.  I had started an entry yesterday, but somehow lacked the "umph" to get around to finishing it.  Since we got back from our trip, I've been feeling sort of drained.  Or maybe a bit blue to be home.  It was such a lovely time along the coast.  Half Moon Bay to Santa Cruz to all went by to fast, much like any good trip.  I did try to watch the food aspect of the trip, but I didn't really do well.

I've already written of the first day, but the second day I was craving, craving, craving a cheeseburger.  We ate our packed lunch from home, but for dinner we picked a restaurant that served burgers and the like.  As soon as my order arrived, I realized that it was too much food.  The burger was absolutely huge.  On the bright side, I didn't eat half of it (I cut it in two parts) or all the fries that came with it, but on the negative end of things, I also had two pieces of fried fish off my husband's plate.  Add on some chocolate, cheese, and apple cider that came along at our hotel's wine and cheese hour, and well, it was a bad food day.

The saddest thing is that despite all those calories, the burger honestly wasn't that great.  It didn't have the flavor of a basic In-N-Out burger.  All those calories for not a great pay-out.  Oh well.  I suppose the best course of action would simply have been to not eat it, but that's not a choice I made.  Afterwards I felt so full.  Too full and a little ill.  It's amusing to me now, but I remember that feeling as "normal" from years ago when we used to eat out most nights.  It felt uncomfortable now, but that icky feeling was just the usual after dinner feel of a long time ago.  The next night my husband and I shared an entree, which was a better choice, but it was an unhealthy one of fried shimp and fries on the Santa Cruz wharf.  Add in free breakfasts from the hotel and snacks and other odds and ends and I have a definite weight gain.  I put on a pair of pants on the last morning only to find they were too tight!  Eeek!

I'm also having some trouble getting back into the more normal swing of food things now that we're back at home.  I keep wanting to eat, eat, eat.  It's like I'm fighting myself.  A couple days ago was my husband's birthday so we went out to eat and yesterday we went to a charity dinner, both of which have continued to do bad things to my waistline, I'm sure.  Today I stayed in my food points, but my brain won't let up.  Sweets, sweets, chocolate it begs relentlessly.  Obviously it didn't get the memo that the vacation is over!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

W29, Day 3: Hiking

Tomorrow I'll do a bit more thorough accounting of our trip (including taking a peek at the scale--it's not going to be good...) but there was something that I feel good about sharing today.  We visited the Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park outside of Santa Cruz, which is really a beautiful place.  We didn't take the main entrance, but rather one of the smaller side trails which was really nice because we hardly saw anyone the whole time we were there.  The trees were majestic and lush and verdant.  There is just something about natural places that makes me feel so good.  It's almost as if I can feel something inside me, something delicate  and peaceful, unfurling inside my chest.  It happens at the beach, in the forest, even in the backyard at our own house.  Every time we go someplace special like this, I realize that I need to spend more time outdoors.

Anyway, jumping out of the wistfulness of my reflections, I want to point out a small triumph today.  The hike was lovely, but I was quite apprehensive because the first half mile was down, down, down.  That doesn't sound like a problem at first, except that she who goes down, down, down must also eventually go up, up, up.  It seems a bit silly to be so nervous, but I really felt worried--what if I got all the way down to the bottom and then couldn't make myself get back up again?  I mean, yes, obviously, when I think about it rationally, I know that I would have to be able to get back up the hill.  It might be a humiliating one foot at a time.  Step, rest, step, rest.  It could be done with me huffing and puffing all the way.   So anyway, this was in the way back of my mind as we meandered through the trees--and avoided the poison oak--and climbed over rocks in the creek.  It was just such a beautiful afternoon.  Too soon it was time to turn around and head for home.  We chatted and wandered back up the trail and while I did have to stop a couple of times, the next thing I knew we were back high above the trees and at the start of the trail.  I did it, easily and without fuss.  I felt like tossing my hands in the air and shouting, "HA!  I did it!"  What a nice afternoon.  :)

Monday, July 18, 2011

W29, Day 1(ish): Weigh Day

I'm weighing in a day early because I'm out of town for the coast for the next few days.  First, the weight:  205.4.  Yay, right?  That's down three pounds since the last weigh in.  I was staying with family last week and apparently it did good things for me.  The funny thing is that I ate quite differently in the family's home than I do at home.  At home, I've been trying to eat more protein and dairy and avoid carbs and extra fat when possible.  Over the week at my family's place, I ate toast with butter, cheese, and handfuls of roasted nuts, and nearly an entire box of cereal.  Yet I lost weight.  I'm not sure what to make of this.  I don't think it was muscle loss because I continued to do my workouts while I was there.  It really is blowing my mind a bit--I ate what I wanted....just less of it.  I ate small portions of foods and I have to say that I really enjoyed those foods, perhaps more than I normally enjoy food.  I was hungry each night by the time we ate dinner, but we ate slowly with time to talk and enjoy each bite.  Maybe there really is a lesson here.

I'm a bit nervous though because my husband and I are enjoying a trip this week.  Trips are always fun, but they mean different food patterns and frequent eating out.  I did pack a cooler with sandwich materials, fruit, healthy snacks, and drinks thinking that if we could eat at least one normal meal a day it will somehow help.  I'm terrified I'll come back home, get on the scale, and find out I'd gained eight pounds.  It sounds crazy--how can anyone gain that much so quickly?--except that it's happened to me more than once before.  Today I ate a normal breakfast, but I had a pastry for lunch, followed up by some chicken breast, a deviled egg, a couple bites of pasta, and two cookies for dinner.  Not exactly great nutrition.  Though really, it's not as horrible as it could be since I almost wavered and went to McDonald's.  I was hungry for dinner and there was a McDonald's and all of a sudden, I really wanted something from there.  I forced myself to stop and envision a hamburger and picture myself eating it and decide if that was truly the thing I wanted or was I craving it simply because I was hungry and it was there?  I decided it was the latter and got in the car in search a healthier dinner.  So see?  It wasn't a great food day, but it could have been worse.

As I was wandering around Half Moon Bay today I saw this book and I thought it sort of applied to me:

The premise of the book is that a boy has a doughnut and everyone and their brother follows him chasing after the pastry.  I would totally be one of those people following along but dang, you know I'd run to the front of the line and take that kid down in a tackle for that doughnut.  The seagulls from Finding Nemo said it best, "MINE!!"*

*Uh, for anyone who doesn't know me, I don't want you to worry about my character.  I wouldn't actually tackle the kid--that would be rude.  I'd ask him politely first.  :)

Friday, July 15, 2011

W28, Day 4: Jean Styles, con't.

Okay, this isn't a true entry, but rather an addendum to yesterday's post.  I was discussing the evils of the ladies' bikini jean which are a true horror only slightly below a post-apocalyptic zombie invasion...all right, all right, perhaps it isn't quite that bad....

The true abomination may be the men's version of this jean.  What do you think?  Sexy?  Horrible beyond belief?  Not so bad?  You be the judge.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

W28, Day 3: Jean Styles

I stopped by Ross today, perusing the racks for hidden treasures among the orange polo shirts and too-sequined blouses.  I had hoped to find a pair of jeans but when I found the plus size section, I found only two types of jeans.  There was one pair of low-rise boot cut jeans.  I almost bought these because they looked good in the legs and rear, but seriously folks?  Low rise?  No one my size should be wearing something that forces half your tummy to hang out--it's just not pretty.  Honestly, I don't like these jeans even on thin women.  It pushes up your stomach creating the dreaded muffin top.  Yuck.  Further, bending over is pretty awkward unless you don't mind the people around you getting a great view of your crack.  For my part, no thank you.  The jeans were brand name and only ten dollars, but they were still over-priced.

In comparison to the remainder of the jeans, however, the low rise pair were a small sin.  Every other pair were skinny jeans.  While there are some people who look good in this style, skintight jeans that contrast your overly rounded thighs down to a narrow point are simply not flattering on overweight people...or I may go so far as to add most people in general.  Yes, there are exceptions, but really, I'm much more a fan of the boot cut jean.  They help to balance out your thighs by widening out a little at the foot.

When I was looking at pictures of jeans online in preparation for this blog entry, I found a gem of a jean. Have you ever considered the bikini jean?  These are perfect if you want a stylin' bikini sewn onto your jeans that you are just dying for the world to see.

Well, now that you've see it, what do you think?  Sexy, eh?  I wonder how on Earth one bends over in these because even though they're tied on, it just looks uncomfortable.  They must be a pain in the ass to wear.  (There should be a joke in there somewhere, but I'll let it go.)  I think you can only find these beauties in Japan or online for around a meager hundred dollars, but that's probably for the best.  Here's another view in case you're still considering:

Yeah, classy.  So, I went for the much more basic boot cut work pant today.  But I was pretty excited because I'm a size 18 and the pants I bought were size 16.  I also tried on two dresses (which I didn't buy) that while not super flattering, actually fit me in a size 16.  And last Saturday I bought a pair of capris at Macy's in the same size.  Oh happy day.  I may not be losing any pounds, but obviously something is happening.  It'll be a long time till I work my way fully into size 16 at all stores, but I'll feeling pretty good.  Maybe I'll invest in a bikini jean....and then again, maybe not.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

W28, Day 1: Weigh Day...sort of

Today is the start of week 28.  This means that I have been practicing this lifestyle change for seven months. Wow.  Where did the time go?  When I think about my progress my first thought is of my frustration of the last two months.  I gnash my teeth and feel I'll never make my goal.  But maybe it's time for me to step back a little and reflect.  My goal for the year was to lose fifty pounds at the rate of one pound a week.  "Wait a minute," you might be thinking, "what happened to 150 pounds?"  Yes, that's still my ultimate goal, but I always figured it would take more than a year.  Rome wasn't build in a day and all that jazz, right?

So, seven months down.  About 21-23 pounds down, depending on the week.  Over a hundred blog entries and nearly 2,000 views.  An exercise regimen and gym membership.  Obviously I'm not quite on target, but have I made growth? What's changed?  Have I changed?

I'd like to stay "yes".  I may despair in the dark of the night...or rather on the sunshiny morning when I step on the scale, but ultimately, I still feel I can do it.  I can be strong.  I can be healthy.  I can make my body the way I want it to be.  Or maybe that's not really the point.  Maybe it's about making me accept my body the way it is.  To be honest, the latter is a lot harder than the former and I'm not sure I'm entirely up for it.  But with each glance in the mirror, each lift of the weights, each blog entry, I'm trying to see what is with understanding rather than distaste.  I'll keep working on it.

As for weigh day today, well, I'm not going to do it.  No, it's not a rebellion and no, I didn't go crazy or anything.  It's just that I'm staying with family this week and I don't want to use a different scale.  My mass is the same, unfortunately, but my weight differs on every scale.  I adore the scale at my in-laws' house, but dislike the one at the doctor's office.  Thus, rather than get a different "untrue" number, I'll wait till next week, though I'll have to weigh in on Monday because my husband and I are taking a short trip to Santa Cruz.  Ah, sun, sea, hiking, and well, hopefully not too much food.

Since this entry hasn't had much humor to it, I thought I'd end with a smile:

Sunday, July 10, 2011

W27, Day 6: Bacon anyone?

So I've been waiting to write this post for a while because it's a topic that so many people love:  bacon.  Mmm, that crispy goodness, each blissful bite of well-cooked bacon (none of that undercooked, soggy cafeteria mess).  Turkey bacon is all right and I'm not in love with soy bacon, though it's palatable, but did you know the range of edible bacon products goes much further than that?  Yes, there are some crazy bacon products out there ranging from lampshades to bacon bras (interesting, eh?), but when you really think of bacon, your mental image is probably something like this:

On a recent trip to Cost Plus, I was surprised to notice several interesting bacon products.  Just like the real thing, I probably wouldn't be partaking much of them because they're mostly as or more unhealthy, but it was still interesting.  For instance, have you ever considered bacon syrup?

I suppose maybe some people might like this in pancakes or on eggs, and hey, who wouldn't love a bacon snow cone?  YUM-MY, right?  (Btw, I'm kidding here, I cannot imagine buying bacon syrup!)  But, perhaps more appetizing is Baconnaise?  A mixture of bacon flavor and mayo, this product seems more likely as something I could see myself eating.  Potentially, it could really flavor-up a plain turkey sandwich or a little dollup might go in an egg sandwich.  What do you think?  Potentially gross or goodness?

The next item is something I have tried and I've found people tend to either love it or hate it:  bacon chocolate.  Personally, it tasted extremely nasty.  No danger to my diet there; it tasted like Baco bits stuck in chocolate and had a strange texture.  However, some people love the smoky flavor and feel the chocolate adds another dimension to the bacon.  Uh.  Yuck.  But hey, it does come in both regular and dark chocolate varieties.

The last product seems feasible:  bacon lip balm.  Maybe this could be a big hit with dieters.  Want bacon but can't eat it?  No problem!  There's a no fat solution--just slather this replacement product on your lips.  Or, perhaps it would actually do the opposite?  Maybe all that bacon flavoring would make you begin craving the real thing?  Just in case, maybe I'd better stick with my plain old chap stick.  But hey, if you're one of those folks who crave bacon all the time, there you go.  Problem solved!  

Friday, July 8, 2011

W27, Day 4; Exercise Questions

 Yesterday I'd planned on going to the gym, but was so pooped that I skipped out, so today I made sure that I went after a work training.  I have to say that going to the gym is a big time commitment.  This is probably my biggest negative issue with going--I am a total time freak.  I hate to see it slip by, to be late, or to feel I misspent it.  I totally know that exercise is a worthwhile endeavor, but I do hate to see losing an hour and a half go by (one hour to work out, the rest to get dressed, drive there, check in, etc.)  On the other hand, I have to remind myself, what else would I be doing?  Losing an hour of Facebook, t.v., reading, or general puttering around isn't going to kill me.   Quite the opposite in fact, maybe the exercise will strengthen my body, heart, mind.

Sometimes getting myself to the gym can be challenging because I don't think that I feel like going, but once I'm there it's fine.  I do my thing on the elliptical.  It's funny but the first day I did the elliptical I thought I was going to die in the first minute.  Three minutes in, I thought I wasn't going to be able to go on.  I stopped at least four times in that half hour to rest.  Now I can do it all the way through without a break, though I often stop for about 30 seconds somewhere at the twenty minute mark to try to make my right foot stop tingling (it goes numb by the end if I don't).  I feel somewhat accomplished.

During the second half of my workout, I do things like squats, lunges, crunches, and weights.  There also I see little bits of growth.  For instance, the first day I did squats it was really hard and I was sore for days.  Now I feel it when I do the squats, but I'm not sore the next day.  It's interesting how something can be very difficult when the trainer shows it to me, but within a few times of doing that exercise during my workouts--like lifting weights--it's a lot easier.

Honestly, it kind of makes me wonder if I'm doing it wrong or something because it's too easy.  While I wait to ask the trainer, I'm upping the weights on most everything I do.  From my last two sessions, I notice the trainer doesn't seem to want to make me push myself anywhere near my limits.  Should an exercise be difficult to do?  Should I be sore?  If I'm not sore or I don't feel like it's hard to do, is it still beneficial?  Some of weights the trainer gave me just seem too light--I don't feel anything.  Should I stick with her plan anyway or push myself to keep upping the weights?  I just want to get the best outcome for my time.  I don't want to go on and on if it's not beneficial, but I also don't have any exercise background.  I don't know anything about weight training.  Anyone have an answer?

P.S.  This reveals my inner dork, but I sort of like using the weighted bar because it makes me feel like a Jedi.  Watch out for my lightsaber!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

W27, Day 2: Reflections

This evening I went clothes shopping.  This can be a hit or miss activity.  It feels like I either find a lot of stuff that fits me, or nothing.  Finding things validates my feelings of self-worth; looking like a stuffed sausage in everything makes me feel terrible.  Since I was already feeling terrible today, it's a good thing for me that I found a couple shirts and sweaters on clearance that fit me well and looked fine.  I know, I know, you might be thinking, "Why on Earth does she need clothes shopping to bolster her self-respect?  Stand up and accept yourself, woman!"  I know this is true, but I have just been feeling so down about my body this week.  It's been months and I've gone nowhere.  I'm not talking about quitting or anything, how can I?  This has become a normality.  Though it doesn't always feel like it, I have actually altered many negative behaviors, not just in this last seven months, but in the last few years with my many attempts at WW.

Let's see what's improved over the years:
*I don't eat ice-cream every night---or hardly ever for that matter (Okay, okay, maybe 1-2 times per month on average).
*We don't eat out 4-5 nights a week.  I can't believe we used to eat out like that, but we did.  It sort of shocks me to remember, actually.
*I eat a lot more fruit and dairy (yogurt and cottage cheese mostly) and a lot fewer carbs.
*I try to be more conscious of the nutrition in a food rather than just what it might taste like.
*I eat much smaller portions of foods than I used to and I get fuller faster.
*I'm trying to be more active whenever possible, whether it's working in the garden or going to the gym.

So then, the question remains:  why aren't I losing weight?  It's hard to answer fully, but it feels like my brain is sabotaging me.  I do well for days and then blow it all with a large/unhealthy meal or day that puts me back for a whole week.  In this week's case, it was actually several days in a row.  I have a very hard time moderating myself around other people.  It's almost like somehow having people around magically makes it okay for me to eat the way I want rather than the way I should.  Obviously not true.

And then I get frustrated, upset, and just plain old angry.  I start with the whys.  Why does it have to be so damn hard?  Why does it seem harder for me than for others? (I'm sure this isn't actually true, but in the moment it feels so).  Why can my husband eat the same things as me and more and not gain anything? (Good metabolism, more muscle, being male, etc.)   Why does my brain fight me when I know the food is not good for me?  Why can't I just lose weight?  Why, why, why is it so hard for me?  Because it is.

All I can do is keep throwing myself against that wall and hope it comes down before my determination and will get too battered.  I still think I can do it.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

W27, Day 1: Ugh.

Weigh day today.  At 208.4 today, which puts me up 0.6 this week.  So basically, yup, I'm still fat.  And frustrated.  And even though I went to the gym, I also ate a club sandwich, fries, and a gelato today.  Could I have picked a salad instead?  Sure, but why ruin the upward trend, eh?  *Head banging*

Sunday, July 3, 2011

W26, Day 6: Tossing cookies...

Okay, I'd planned for a different post for today, but this seems more timely.  I'm mad at myself.  I've fallen off my wagon this week....I fell off the wagon and then it ran over me.  Things started out well enough.  I had recovered from the Southern California trip well, eating right and doing my gym routines.  Then we had dinner with friends.  I didn't do very well with the pizza and dessert, but I'd been to the gym that day and eaten very sparingly knowing we'd be eating out.  The next day was okay, though I had family visiting so we got an ice-cream sandwich.  Okay, in the larger scope of things, some pizza and an ice-cream sandwich isn't really the end of the world.  Except that it's a slippery slope.  Food is seductive to me.  I know this and I try to stay on my guard around it, but the next thing you know, we're eating jellybeans by the handful and other sweets are calling my name.  I didn't even bother to keep track of the points on Thursday and Friday.  How do I let this happen?

So last night things got a little food crazy during "Movie Night" with a series of snacks including (but not limited to) ice-cream, popcorn, crackers, a mochi ball, and three margaritas.  How the hell did I let that happen?  But it was so easy to slip into an evening of just eating and munching away.  This was a shade of old behaviors that I'd hoped to have left behind me.  I woke up this morning sick and was soon tossing up cookies.  (By the way, this was an entirely natural event, no need for an intervention or anything!)  I think that it was just too much of everything for me and my body protested.  I'm not used to eating that way anymore, but it amazes me how easily I could fall into it again.  I could just eat and eat and eat and be happy...up until the moment that the food bliss ends and I fall into the pit of self-loathing that's always there waiting for me.

Recently on our trip to Southern California I bought this piece of pottery.  When I got it home, I realized it's sort of fitting for me!  Well, the consequences of this week are that I feel all queasy and gross and I'm going to have to face a gain for the second week in a row on the scale on Tuesday.  *Sigh*