Saturday, January 29, 2011

W4, Day 5; Shoppercise

I have a sort of love-hate relationship with clothes shopping.  I love going to the mall.  I love looking at clothes and imagining what I might look like in it--in a perfect world.  I hate looking at sizes.  I hate finding nothing that fits me in either "regular" women's clothes OR plus size clothes.  I mean, c'mon!  I've noticed that there is a gap between the two sets of sizes and I usually seem to fall right in between.  Regular women's clothes are too small, plus size clothes are too baggy and long, especially long.  I'm in, I'm short in both legs and torso, so sometimes finding shirts can be hard because they are so long on me.  I'm assuming just about every woman, plus size or not, has some difficulty in finding the clothes that look perfect on her.

And then there's the number.  Why does a number make so much of a difference?  Does a number make me a worse person?  Less intelligent? Less worthy?  Not really....yet it means so much somehow.  Currently I wear a 18-20 size pant.  Somehow it's extremely difficult for me to post that, as if it's my dirty little secret upon which my value will be judged.  Who cares?  At my heaviest several years ago, I wore a 22 and I remember the day I realized that I had to go up to that size--I sat down in the mall like a crazy person and sobbed.  I truly hated myself in that moment.  And why?  Because of a number.  In a way, it was a good thing in that it forced to start to take charge of my life, to take control, to join WW for the first time.

And yet, despite this, I love walking the mall.  My husband calls it my "shoppercise" and it's true.  I rarely buy much of anything, but, especially when I am losing weight, I like to see how the clothes are fitting on me.  I sort of gauge my progress as much on how clothes are looking and fitting as by my actual scale weight.  It's entirely shallow, I'm not saying it's not.  But it's sort of like standing in front of that dressing room mirror and asking, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, am I any fairer than before?"  See?  Modest, right?  Lastly, there are always treats to enjoy at the mall.  An iced-tea at Starbucks (Starbucks is a sort of special treat for my husband and me), a sugar-free lemonade, or a Hot Dog on a Stick...(Hey, it's only 7 points!).  And with that, we're off.  Happy shoppercise!

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