Tuesday, May 31, 2011

W22, Day 1: Plateau Hell

I feel like a giant ping pong ball.  Well, actually I feel like a beach ball most of the time, but in the last two months I can't seem to escape the depressing ups and delightful downs, again, and again, and again.  Lose a little.  Gain a little.  Lose, gain, lose, gain.  Ping, pong, ping, pong!  Welcome to Plateau Hell.  Pull up a chair, grab a donut, and don't eat for the rest of the day.  

It wasn't going to be a good weigh day.  I think Sunday's score shocked me.  After giving the extra sudden pounds a couple days to "settle" I weighed in today at 209.0, which while not nearly as bad, isn't very good.  For the math folks out there, it's a gain of 1.6 pounds.  *Sigh*  So, what's the problem?  I was doing so well for weeks and weeks.  Here's what I've been thinking:

*I've gotten tired, lazy, frustrated, etc., etc., etc.
*More importantly, my environment has been different with celebrations for my birthday, Mother's Day, family events, and tons of food at work in celebration of the year coming to an end (The work year, not the Rapture...I work in a school.  :)
*The lovely weekend beach trip filled with all the snacky foods I love and avoid normally was great fun, but didn't help with weight loss (not that I expected it to!).

I think what I need to do is two-fold:
*The gym opens tomorrow.  I need to be way more active and shake my toosh up a bit.  I need to arrange to meet with a trainer to help design an exercise program for me to start with.
*Get through this week with all of it's "Last Day" food trials and then enjoy the time at home, away from all the outside food for awhile.  I'm looking forward to summer.

Monday, May 30, 2011

W21, Day 7: Uh....that doesn't seem right...

We got back yesterday from a lovely trip with friends up the coast.  We had food, and fun, and more food...so I expected some gain.  While I did eat a little fruit in the two days we were gone, I didn't eat any vegetables and I snacked liberally on some 'no-no' foods like Cheez-its, chocolate chip cookies, and yes, some alcohol. I expected that I would gain a pound or two.  Maybe three.  Not good.

So I got home and stepped onto the scale.  When I'd left for the weekend I was at 207.  When I got back two days later I was at 214.  I'd gained 7 pounds in two days!  Is that even possible?  That means I consumed roughly 24,500 calories in just two days!  I honestly didn't/don't think I ate that much, despite overindulging.  The crazy thing is that we didn't even eat out at any restaurants or fast food places.  Today I've been giving my weight time to work itself out in the end (if you get my drift).  Obviously I need to hit up the gym and fast.

Gee, I'm not worried though because I can easily work off those calories with:
*1,400 minutes on the elliptical machine, or
*3,000 minutes of gardening, or
*3,600 minutes of jumping jacks, or
*4,000 minutes of showering (that's a lot of water!), or
*4,000 minutes of sex (Hmm...I don't know why it's weird that sex and showering use the same amount of calories, but it is.)

In any case, I'm not burning much sitting here on the couch, so off I go!

Friday, May 27, 2011

W21, Day 4: Off to the wild blue yonder

Stepped on the scale this morning, as I do every morning, which was unusually high for a random Friday morning.  Usually Fridays are the days when the scale shows a drop.  It's weird, but Sunday and Monday tend to be my lowest weight days, Tuesday usual goes up just a little bit, Wednesday and Thursday stay at that weight, and Friday is the first day to show a loss.  The biggest dip is usually Saturday morning.  I'm not sure why my weight cycles this way, but it truly is a regular pattern.  Perhaps because I eat the most on the weekends and it takes a few days to catch up with me?  WW tells you not to weigh more than once a week because you can drive yourself crazy, but it drives me crazy not to know on a day-to-day basis.  It also helps me stay on track because I get on that scale and see it's a bit higher and know that I've got to be more careful that day.  In any case, I blame this mornings pound on the evil cupcake last night.  Yes, I know, it's bad, but I succumbed to a small cupcake with frosting.  Nobody's perfect!

Otherwise, I had one of my favorite dinners last night and I think it's pretty healthy.  It's my I-don't-want-to-cook-tonight-what-on-Earth-do-we-have-laying-around dinner standby.  I cut a bunch of cherry tomatoes in half and mix in garbanzo beans (more of less depending on how much you like them), one can of tuna, diced red onions, one ounce of mozzarella, diced sweet pickles just for fun, and two tablespoons of non-fat sesame ginger dressing.  I like to add chopped up cucumber, bell pepper, and beets too but I didn't have any last night.  For dessert, some chopped up watermelon.  Yum!

On another note, tonight and tomorrow I'm headed up the coast to stay with some wonderful people for the weekend.  I'm very excited because, hey it's the beach, who wouldn't be excited?  I'm already a bit worried about food though and sticking to my points around other folks who are eating "normally".  (Yes, I know, I'm eating normally too---this has to become my norm for me to get where I want to be, but in this case I mean "normally" as eating more freely).  I packed some fruit and fiber bars for myself so I'll try to stick to that.  Here's hoping you have a great weekend planned too!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

W21, Day 1: Weigh Day

Weigh day today: 207.6, -1.2 pounds for the week and a total of -21.4 pounds with 57.6 to go.  I have to say that 57 pounds seems like an awfully long way to go, but I'm happy to see myself getting back on track with having lost weight for the last two weeks in a row.  At times I'm so impatient that I wish the loss was big every week, but I know that 1-2 pounds a week is healthy loss.  And I'm also afraid of having a bunch of loose skin too after it's all done, so a little bit at a time is okay.  

I feel like I'm hitting a plateau in my weight loss though, and I also feel too inactive.  Put those two feelings together and what do you get?  The need for exercise.  Regular, systematic exercise. So my husband and I joined the gym.  Remember what I wrote yesterday?  The gym opens the day before I get out for summer vacation.  Coincidence???  Then today at work I got an unexpected check for a stipend in the amount of $116.  When we went to sign up at the gym, the fees and the first month's bill added up to $114.  Coincidence???  I think not! And I still have enough money to buy a water bottle or two.  Nice.  

I'm a bit nervous to head back to the gym since it's been a couple years.  The last time I joined one I felt so self-conscious at first, but then I realized that everyone is doing their own thing and you just blend into the background of it all.  I'm sure that's how it'll be once I get it figured out at the new place too.  Besides, there's a pool and spa.  Oh yeah....  Feeling the positivity.  :)

Speaking of positivity, here's a random picture of my snapdragons.  They make me smile every time I see them.  :)

Monday, May 23, 2011

W20, Day 7: One Nation, Overweight

I watched tonight a replaying of a show on CNBC called One Nation, Overweight about the ever growing problem of obesity.  The show looked at various aspects of the "disease".  I found it extremely interesting that they called obesity a disease, whereas other people might call it a choice.  Anyway, they brought up some interesting factoids like:
  • At the current rate of increase, within 10 years 42% of the U.S. population will be obese.  That's a terrible, huge number!  
  • This current generation of kids may be the first generation in our country to have shorter lifespans than their parents. 
The show then went on to look at all the foods that are in grocery stores and about how it's all about profit by pushing crap foods on people.  I myself find that to be very challenging whenever I go to the grocery store.  I try to avoid looking at any of the aisles too quickly, rushing in to buy the essentials and getting out of there as quickly as possible.  Crap food stares out at me from every aisle.  Imagine the cereal aisle.  Then think about how kids are bombarded with advertisements about sugary cereals in all their programming.  It's like they're being brainwashed into wanting junk.  Kids aren't the only ones.

But carrying on the kid idea, the show focused on how many high schools sell candy.  In times of major budget cuts, this is a way for schools to raise money for clubs and sports activities, but at what cost? You might say, it's only a candy bar.  But it isn't.  Not for kids who are obese.  I'll tell you a secret:  my senior year of high school I gained thirty pounds.  Why?  Was it because of what I ate at home?  No, not really, we ate pretty decently.  The real reason was candy at school.  I couldn't stop myself.  I remember begging a friend not to sell me candy, and then by first recess begging her to sell it to me.  I wouldn't have eaten it if it hadn't been there at school with me.  I know, I know, my fault for making the choice and I chose wrongly.  But what if I had never had to make that choice?  I don't want to ruin it for everyone else, but I truly don't believe in selling junk food to kids--including soda--at school.

Anyway, if you ever have a chance to watch the show, I highly recommend it.  I got a bit uncomfortable when one CEO said that he wouldn't hire anyone who was obese if he could get away with it because of the greater health care costs of that employee.  The counter argument was that policies like that discriminate against people unfairly, saying: "[Obesity] is a complex issue...and it's short-sided to say you choose or don't chose health," meaning that there are plenty of people out there like me trying to choose what's right, but struggling along the way.  Is it fair to discriminate hiring people like me?  Of course I have to say "No"!  But what about the  employer's added costs?  Still other employers are doing all sorts of incentive programs that seem to be having good effect with helping their employees lose weight and be more healthful.  Maybe that's the way to go?

In other news, good reader, guess what?  I'm finally going to do it, to take the plunge...to join out local gym.  I've been waiting for our new local gym to open and at long last, it's opening on June 1st, one day before I get out for summer break.  Coincidence?  I think not!

Here's a link to the show information:

Sunday, May 22, 2011

W20, Day 5: Garden Peace

Yesterday we spend another long afternoon/evening in the backyard.  The grass is taking forever to grow--I guess patience is a huge part of seeding--and it's still not where I envision it, and yet...and yet I feel peaceful in that outdoor space.  Happy.  Though I work to the point of exhaustion (and soreness the next day!), there is something affirmative about the work, the feeling that one is creating something good and worthwhile.  I love that space outdoors because it feels private and so very peaceful.

Often I've felt at a loss for a hobby, something active to do.   Oh sure, there are many things I enjoy doing:  reading, watching t.v., singing, chasing my cats around the house, Facebook (uh, does Facebook count as a hobby?), knitting, crochet, and needlework, dancing around the house with my iPod, but most of those are not exactly super physically active.  And most of them are indoors.  I really like to be outside.  It just feels so good to have the silky air floating around me, standing in a sunbeam.  I think I can add a new hobby to the list now:  gardening.  It's rewarding to know that when I put my labor into the yard, I get something lovely that I can enjoy in other times.  And besides, it's good to know I'm burning calories left and right with every push of the lawn mower and swipe of the rake.

On another note, I had steak and honeydew melon for dinner tonight.  Yum.  I broiled the steak with rosemary and garlic and it was very good if I do say so myself.  The melon was a nice compliment too.  Now that it's getting to be summer, it's nice that fruit's getting to be less expensive.  It's one thing that's nice about the new WW.  Yummy yum yum!  It feels like a hint of summer days to come.  Onwards!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

W20, Day 3: The Dreaded Doctor's Office

So tomorrow I'm having my yearly physical exam.  Gee, what fun.  Honestly, I hate going to the doctor's office for pretty much any reason.  Since childhood I've dreaded going to the office, knowing that my weight would be a major subject of discussion.  As a child, I remember lying in bed the night before trying to think of any possible way to weigh in lower on the scale the next day.  Happily for me, the last times I've popped into the office, the nurse steered me away from the dreaded scales saying, "Since you're not here about weight today, let's bypass the scale."  I could have hugged her.

But the yearly physical is the worst somehow.  My doctor is unfailingly polite and soft-spoken.  She doesn't say too much about the weight, except as it concerns to my too-high blood pressure.  Sometimes she gives me a printout about weight loss.  Politely.

Several years ago, before I had my current doctor, I went to the Women's Center for the physical.  I had an appointment with a doctor I'd never had before.  It all went downhill when she walked in.  She felt intense, chastising.  She proceeded to lecture me about my weight as if I'd never heard it all before.  The conversation went something like this:

Doctor:  "What are you doing to lose weight?"
Me:  "Oh, this and that, Slim Fast..."

Doctor: "You need to be serious about losing weight.  You are obese.  Don't you know you're obese?!"
Me:  "Uh, yeah..."     (So that's why my jeans are size 18!  I would never have made that connection...)

Doctor:  "You need to be exercising every day for at least an hour.  This is the real world, grow up."
Me:  "Uh, yeah..."

And so on and so on...

I admit that I got out of that office, got in my car, and cried all the way home.  I hated myself in those moments because I was so ashamed and yet I felt powerless to change.  Yes, I know I'm obese.  Of course I know it.  Yes, I've tried to lose weight for most of my adult life.  Yes, I really DO need to exercise more.  I know that the doctor probably had my best interests at heart.  She was a knight in the crusade against obesity.  But she turned me off, cut into my heart, with the way she went about it.  Maybe it's the "tough love" approach that's needed, but so far tough love doesn't change much and it just hurts.  Perhaps compassion and support go further?

In any event, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

W20, Day 1: Weigh Day

Weigh day today:  208.6.  That puts me down 0.8 for the week, which is the good part of this.  The even better part is that I got back on track this week.  I'm in charge of this runaway train once again.  Awesome.

On the downside, I'm just about where I was more than a month ago.  Not good.  It means I've been bouncing around for weeks like a ping pong ball on a major sugar high.  Well, I rather knew that would happen at this time of year.  Every single May is challenging, but oh well, it's done now.

Here we go!  I'm back and I'm ready to push myself again.  Five months down and I'm moving out of the "I'm-really-tired-of-jonesing-for-a-cupcake-all-the-fricken'-ass-time" stage and into the "Oh-yeah-I-really-maybe-possibly-CAN-do-this" stage.  Oh the confidence, eh?  But really, I just feel stronger and more positive of where I'm headed.

It seems almost crazy to me, but I was actually getting tired of the overindulging this last month.  The last week or two I was tired of the poor eating, but didn't feel like I could go back to my WW lifestyle.  It is always so hard to start again, but now, here we are (the royal 'we').  Let's get this (veggi) party started!

Monday, May 16, 2011

W19, Day 7: An Explanation

I decided that today I would write about determination, desire, and addiction.  A beloved family member recently suggested that if this endeavor is to be successful, I just need to stop.  Just walk on by it all.  When food is out at work, just don't take any.  My heart ached a bit to let him down.  The short answer is simple this:  I can't.  Yes, I know it's about will and determination.  I imagine it'd be like stopping drinking or smoking cold turkey.  However, it doesn't work that way with food.  It'd be easier if one could simply stop intaking food and ignore it entirely.  Obviously we can't.  I don't want to eat.  I can't even articulate how much I don't want to.  Yet from the first moment I wake up in the moment to the moment I lay down at night, food cycles my mind.  At home, in a familiar, controllable environment, it's a dull throbbing thought, but controllable.  In another environment--work, a restaurant, a party, someone else's house--the dull throb becomes a huge storm in my mind.  It cycles on and on, "Eat it! Take it! No! No, don't! You don't want it.  You don't need it.  Yes, you do! You do!"  On and on.  The pressure becomes greater and greater as time goes by.  The worst thing is that victory and success at one time does not make it any easier to do the same the next time.  If anything, over time it becomes more and more difficult.

According to Caryl Ehrlich, a food behavior specialist, resisting temptation causes further food failure. (Not that it's okay to just give in!)  She writes:

  •  "It’s important to know, however, that the attachment you seem to feel for certain foods is not predicated on how much you “love” that particular food. Rather, it indicates how very addicted you are to numbing yourself with that food. Thinking about the food, getting the food, eating the food in a certain way, has become an integral part of your self-medicating ritual. The thought of not “acting out” (not getting your drug) causes you great anxiety. You eat the item (bread, beverage, candy, popcorn, etc.) to relieve the discomfort caused by not eating the item. Consider not drinking coffee and getting a headache and then drinking a cup of coffee to relieve the discomfort caused by not drinking the coffee. It’s like a puppy chasing its tail."           -from  Conquer Your Food Addiction

The word this author uses, "anxiety" is spot on.  Anxiety.  That's what I feel around food.  You'd think it'd be enjoyment (and of course it is too), but it's overwhelmed by guilt, anxiety, and unhappiness.

When I was in third grade I remember making a pact with myself.  I wrote down on a piece of paper all the foods I would never eat again.  I was fat at 9.  I knew I was fat and I didn't want to be different.  I swore I would never touch those foods ever again in my life.  Guess how that turned out?  And yet, even at that young age, I meant it with all the determination my young self possessed.  So what happened?  Why did I fail?  Because food calls to me constantly.  I couldn't resist it then, so I have to learn to do it now.

Is it my fault that I am fat?  Yes.  I am not looking to take away the blame.  But I just want the opportunity to explain that it's not so simple as 'Just stop'.  How?!!  The frustration is huge.  I know that there is a debate among specialists about whether food addictions truly exist or not, but I think there are many people like me who wish to stop but can't seem to force themselves to do it.  It's not just about will, there's something in the way.

So, it's about relearning behaviors.  Depriving oneself of everything doesn't work.  Instead it's about retraining the brain to learn the new, preferable behaviors.  That's what WW is all about, even if the process is taking it's sweet time.

And I want to express my gratitude to my family member for caring and for his suggestions.  Hearing them gave me a little boost in determination, which I've sorely needed these last couple weeks AND it kept me from ordering a piece of pie.  Thanks dude, you're awesome (as I'm sure you know).

Here are some articles about food addiction for anyone interested:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-07-09-food-addiction_N.htm  (USA Today article)
http://www.foodaddictsanonymous.org/  (A support site)
http://psychcentral.com/library/food_stages.htm  (Stages of recovery)
http://www.edtreatmentcenters.com/food-addiction-symptoms.php  (Symptoms of addiction)
http://www.discovergoodnutrition.com/index.php/2011/04/are-you-a-food-addict/  (General article)

Friday, May 13, 2011

W19, Day 4: Self-Control

So this evening while shopping for produce at the local Asian market, I succumbed to the temptation of take-out.  I selected a couple of potstickers and some sweet and sour chicken.  Yes, I know, sweet and sour is about a million points per cup, but I did really even think about it.  I'd been doing very well this week up to today, recording my points and staying within my limits for the last three days.  You might think, "Three days, really? That's it?"  But I find that when you fall off the wagon for a period of time, the longer you let it go, it seems to get exponentially more difficult to get restarted.  Things you could do much more easily earlier--like stay generally on track for a day, week, month--suddenly become so hard.

One day is a struggle. I'm at that stage.  Why?  I don't exactly know, except that things because crazy around my birthday and to be entirely honest, I'm getting tired.  I guess I imagine my self-control is a muscle, and like any muscle, it gets tired.  I guess I got this imagine in my mind after reading a very short article called "The Science of Self Control" from Time Magazine in which the author argued, "Self-control can be a slippery thing...[because it] is neither an acquired skill nor a logical cognitive process. Rather,..it's an exhaustible resource that operates like a well: it is emptied with use and refilled with rest." In other words, I can logically reason with myself 'till I'm blue in the face, but at some point I run out of determination and give in.

This sounds very defeatist and as if it is an excuse to fail, but it's really not.  For me, what it means is that I have to do a few things:  1) Go back to basics about writing down everything I eat.  This sounds trivial, but it's truly the key because I'm much more likely to stay on track if I have to write down those little numbers in my journal.  2)  Refocus on the ultimate goal and why I am doing this--examining why the sacrifice and lifestyle change is necessary and worthwhile.  3) Give in to those long-standing, weekly cravings with my allowance points. 4) Try to forgive myself for my flub-ubs and move onwards instead of letting the frustration and angst drag me into a whole day or week.  This is the very hardest thing for me.  When I fail or mess up, I feel so worthless, as if I'm proving to myself that I deserve the shame.  It's as if all the progress and positivity from my previous efforts fall away and all the self-recrimination and loathing emerge.  Anyway, it's not pretty.  It's also hard to describe for others, but perhaps it's always easier to love others better than we love ourselves.

So, returning to my take-out story:  We got home and got ready to eat dinner.  I dutifully transferred the sweet and sour and a small amount of chow mein to a little plate, leaving a lot in the take-out box and putting it in the fridge.  Because of this, I felt less guilty about the sweet and sour, ignoring it's high calories and fat content.  Until I took a bite.  And spat it back out.  Fish.  It was sweet and sour fish.  Very fishy tasting fish at that.  Sweet and sour fish might have been all right if I had known what I was eating in advance (but probably not), but it was definitely a surprise.  So I didn't eat it after all.  Maybe there's such a thing as diet karma?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

W19, Day 1: Weigh Day

Okay, weighed in today and while it's not good, it's not as bad as I feared.  I'm not proud of myself or anything, but I'm just going to move forward.  So, it's 209.4, which is up 1.6 pounds from last week.  It's time to update the ticker too.  I've been avoiding it because I wanted to hold on to the lower number, but it's time to just do it.  Today I worked on several of my resolutions:

*I stayed within my points and recorded them.
*I turned down the evil cupcake.

And for an added bonus, I threw out the chocolate on my desk that someone gave me a couple weeks ago. I've been steadily munching on a couple of little chocolates a day, but I just picked up those delicious little gems and walked to the trash can and tossed them in.  It was difficult, which is crazy, but it felt good afterwards.  Powerful.

I didn't make it to the grocery store because I had a major headache after work and I came home to sleep it off, so that's still on my to-do list to getting back on track, but otherwise I'd say the day was pretty successful.  Now I just need to be successful for a whole lot more days...weeks...months...years...it's going to be a long haul!

Monday, May 9, 2011

W18, Day 7: Refocusing

So this week has been a lost week in terms of weight loss.  It was a very busy week, followed by a wonderful weekend and while I've enjoyed it all, it's time to get back on track.  I really want to be doing what I am supposed to do.  I don't understand why I'm having such a hard time doing the same things that I've been doing for the last eighteen weeks.  What makes it so difficult now?  For instance, today I was determined to do well and stick exactly to my points.  Exactly.  I got up this morning and had a granola bar and an apple for breakfast.  Fiber-licious.  I brought my lunch to work with the good intention of sticking to the plan.  So far so good.

Then when work started, someone brought in a box of huge cookies.  I tried to resist, I swear I did--I even went so far as to say "No thanks" the first time she offered--but in the end, I ate one.  Why?  Why didn't I just stick to 'no'?  Then at lunch I had two mini-donuts that were out leftover from Friday treats.  Arghhh!  It just feels that when I start to spiral out of control, there's no way to get back.  It's as if my mind says, "Well, you've already messed it all up. Just give it up today and eat what you want."  It's so stupid.  But I can't make myself not think it.  I truly don't want to continue this list of food sins, but I think I need to.  So, to continue, after work I ate a candy bar that was in my work mailbox from Friday.  Why?  I don't know.  It didn't really even taste that great because I felt terrible about myself while doing it.  And then when I got home I even munched on some black licorice (my favorite candy).  Why??!!  I don't know.  Why did I even have that candy in the cupboard?  Because I broke down last week and gave in to impulse.  So, in the end:  the scale is going to be terrible tomorrow and I am going to have to face it. I tried to add some vegetables with dinner (we've been skimping on the veggis lately) and to not eat dessert (I've already had it thrice over).  But, in order to get out of this pit that I've dug myself in lately, I want to make some new goals and resolutions:

1. I am going to chart and record all my daily points. (I'd started sliding on recording my foods, skipping it altogether lately.)  This will help me stay on track.
2. I am going to eat more vegetables and make salad again.
3. To help with #2, I'm going to go grocery shopping tomorrow to stock the fridge with healthy things that I can eat.  This will help me avoid eating out of snacking on things that are inappropriate.
4.  I am going to acknowledge how frustrated I feel with myself and how terrible I feel I look and try to just accept it and move on.
5.  I am not going to eat the cupcake that I know is coming tomorrow.  If I can triumph over the enemy cupcake, perhaps there is some hope for me. (Heaven help me should I fail this mission).

Onwards and upwards...I don't know where I lost the feeling that I can do this, but I have to remind myself that I can.

Friday, May 6, 2011

W18, Day 4: Homecoming

So the birthday thing has come and gone.  I've been eating badly since without any good reason other than I'm finding it challenging to stick with my daily points.  I guess I look in the mirror and I just see the fat.  I feel so heavy, especially around my waist.  You know, I feel older too.  Today I headed into my old city, Davis, for a little while on an errand.  We moved to Vacaville about ten months ago to buy a house.  At the time, I had a very hard time transitioning and adapting.  I'm embarrassed now to admit it, but the first afternoon in our new temporary apartment I climbed under the blankets and didn't want to come out because it was all so different.  What does this have to do with weight, you ask?  Well, I'm getting there.

So, fast forward ten months and I head into town for a bit.  Davis is a college town with the many young people that are part of college towns.  I couldn't help but noticing this afternoon just how young and lovely all the women (girls really) were.  Walking around in short shorts and summer dresses by the dozens, laughter in their eyes and hair shimmering in the sun, they were simply lovely.  Whereas I was wearing big clunky white tennis shoes (hey, it was for work today), and a matronly polo shirt with jeans.  Let's just say that I didn't look young and lovely.  That's normal because I'm not that age anymore, except that I realized, I never felt like these girls.  I was fat then, as now, and I always felt different, as if I didn't belong among them.  It's completely ridiculous to devalue myself--my goodness, intelligence, understanding, worth--all because I weighed more than them.  But I did that then and I still do it to myself now.  I remember when I was in college once referring to the girls in my P.E. class as "graceful gazelles" and I was the "tromping elephant" among them.  And I further want to note that this devaluing happened all on my own.  The young ladies in my classes didn't add to it in any way, it was all me.

Today I felt embarrassed, odd, and vaguely lost.  I realized that I have for years.  Today was the first time I'd understood that it truly was time for me to move on and find a place for myself that I could belong. It was almost a relief to leave the city that I had loved so dearly.  How can that be?  I lived there for eleven years and wept when we left.  Maybe it's really true that you can never go home again.  But one ending is also a chance for new beginnings.  Maybe I can begin to see myself differently in a new place.  I hope so.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

W18; Day 2: A belated weigh day

Yesterday was Weigh Day and I did weigh in, but I failed to update it on the blog because I was out enjoying my birthday with my husband (and food).  However, I'm hesitant to write the weight because it didn't seem right to me.  On Monday night I weighed in at 211.  While discouraging, this seemed appropriate after all the food leading up to my official birthday.  Yesterday morning I got on the scale and it said 207.8.  I got off the scale and go back on again.  And again.  It still stated the same number, but my brain simply won't let me accept that as true, not after all the indulgence.

I've stated repeatedly that I wanted to be at 207 by my birthday, maybe my scale was giving me a birthday gift?  I didn't weigh this morning, but this afternoon it was back up to 210.  At any rate, I'm marking down 207.8 as my official weight for weigh day, but noting my reservations too.  The allergies have been really bad the last few days, maybe I can sneeze the pounds off this week?

Monday, May 2, 2011

W17, Day 7: A toast to years gone by

I had a wonderful weekend in celebration of my birthday...wonderful in terms of enjoying the beach, family and friends, and yes, food.  I want to bring myself to regret the food choices I have made in the last four days (and will make tomorrow on the night of my actual birthday), but I can't say I do.  I regret having to back track and re-lose weight I've already lost, but the joy of the occasion made it worth the cost.  Isn't that always the way?  Food makes fun better.  This year my husband bought me a birthday cake and we cut it into twelve slices, but there were eleven people over enjoying the barbecue.  Everyone got a slice and there was one left over.  You can really expect on poor piece of cake to get left behind, can you?  I wouldn't want to hurt that piece's feelings by rejecting it; I just couldn't cause it that kind of pain.  Besides, it was my birthday cake, so I deserved another piece, right?  Well, probably not, but it's done now anyway.

On Saturday morning, I weighed in at 207 and by Sunday night, it was 211.  Not good!  It'll probably be higher on weigh day tomorrow since today I ate too freely of the leftovers from the barbecue.  So, here's my promise:  I need to put this birthday behind me and the weekend that's coming up, accept my setback, and then refocus and move ahead.  I'm sorry to disappoint you, readers, in that I haven't been making progress these last couple weeks, but I haven't been in a mental place to do it.  I'm getting tired of the overeating and the excess (shocking, right?) and I'm just about ready to refocus on progress.  In a couple days.  Till then, this is my last night as a 29 year old--whoo!--and now I'm stepping over the thirties brink.  Here we go!  A toast (of my water bottle) to the years gone by!  To the 30's!  To a healthier me!  And to all of you for your support and kindness!  Cheers!