Y2, W8, Day 2: Carboholic

 A really long day + a full day of sharp back pain = carb overload.

I got home late tonight and after dinner I ravenously attacked a bag of rice cakes.  On the bright side, if rice cake zombies ever rise up to attack the humans, my crunching skills are totally developed.  I do enjoy caramel rice cakes because they taste sweet and they remind me of Lembas bread (elf bread), and anything that makes me think of Lord of the Rings is just peachy in my book.

I think I was lost for today.  Throw in tiredness, emotional work meh, and pain, mix it into a day and you get eating.  I am so hungry.  I'm just not sure it's a mental or physical need, but I'm guessing the former.

Y2, W8, Day 1: Weigh Day

I had fun dressing up for an Oscar party on Sunday.

Yup, it's Tuesday, good ole' weigh day.  I can smile this week too because the scale said 196.4, putting me down -1.6 and getting me back on track.  I feel really good about this loss and it's more than I deserve considering last Friday's food antics and a really fun Oscar party on Sunday night.  So, woohoo!

I worked on my jogging this morning and I'll do it again later this week.  I do have to say that it's not nearly as much fun to jog at the gym (though it is easier to measure pace and timing) as it is outside.  One of the things I really like about the jogging idea is the opportunity to experience nature and be outside.  One thing I've noted this year is that I really am happier outdoors.  I feel more at peace and less in need of sugar.  It's part of why I enjoy being out in the garden.  I step outside to dig around for a few minutes and hours fly by without my feeling hungry.  I'm pretty sure I'll go for another jog along the creek this weekend.  I want to enjoy the last few blossoms before they fade away (not that I don't enjoy the fresh green leaves that follow too).  

So here's to starting a new week and being successful.  I'm still hungry most of the time and I'm really wishing that would fade away like the blossoms since it's not nearly as lovely, but I'll just keep taking it day by day.  

Y2, W7, Day 6: Weekend in Review

Okay, so I have to go back to Friday.  I knew that a cheeseburger and fries was not healthy for me so I reluctantly gave up the idea in favor of salad and ground turkey.  I avoided Friday treats at work in the morning, as usual.  Unfortunately, there were still tons of treats around by lunchtime, including a bunch of donuts.  I ate two and a big handful of nuts.  Yikes!  I don't know what happened.  I was in control, in control...and then I wasn't.  And that's not the worst of the day.  I went home and lay down, intending to rest for just a moment--and then fell asleep for a couple of hours. I woke up very hungry, tired, groggy, and not feeling like making a late dinner.  We had the burgers.  Horrible, right?  I know, it was a bad day that totaled me at 1,300 calories over my daily target.  Whew.

Yesterday was a lot better and I stayed in check...probably out of remorse for the day before!  But one thing I felt really good about was that I went jogging.  Mostly it was walking--I walked 35 minutes and jogged for 15, so that's a lot more of the easier exercise.  But still, I've always found jogging so difficult to do.  Previously to this last six months, the longest I could jog in a stretch was for 30 seconds.  Yes, I'm serious, 30 seconds was agony with each step feeling like a blow in my whole body, my face red and dripping with exertion, and me huffing and puffing for breath.  Now I can run in 1-2 minute stretches without feeling like I am dying.  I'll be out of breath, but no stitches in my side or any pain.  I know 1-2 minutes isn't long at all to run at all, but it's such an improvement for me.  The big difference is that previously running was painfully, extremely hard.  Now it'd doable and even kind of fun in a way once I discovered I can do it.  I think this week I'm going to skip the resistance treadmill walking and try out the jogging to see if I can build up some more endurance.  Cool beans, eh?  I'm excited.

Y2, W7, Day 3: I Can Has Cheezburger?

The title of today's post is a tribute to my favorite cute kitty viewing site (I spend way too much time looking at pictures of cats when I could be doing other productive things like jogging, house cleaning, or lion taming), but it's really meant more as a question.

All week I've been craving an In-N-Out cheeseburger and fries.  The problem is that this is a pretty common craving.  We have In-N-Out probably almost once a week (though I have to say I always fit it into my calories).  Okay, that's my dirty secret.  I'm trying to get things back on track this week so I've been trying to ignore the craving, but visions of fast food are flying through my head.  I had a nice healthy stir-fry with lots of veggis and a little bit of turkey sausage, and while I am full, my mind is unsatisfied.

Okay, here's the question and choice.  Should I skip that cheeseburger or not?  I know that I can fit it into my calories because I go to the gym and work out before work and I can always go jogging/walking after work to burn some more calories to have a more comfortable calorie cushion.  On the other hand, I think I am looking at a good weigh in this week and I don't want to jeopardize it in any way.  And even if it works into my calories, I know it's not healthy or what's best for my body.  I know that, so why do I crave bad food so much?  I guess in the end I really know the answer to this question, I just don't want to accept it.  I rather wish I could just turn off the urge in my brain to indulge and eat--where's "OFF" button for mental cravings?

Y2, W7, Day 1: Weigh Day

Weigh day today and I'm really weighing in after skipping it for the last two weeks--path to the dark side!--and my weight's at 198.0.  It's a gain and I expected it and while that's not a good thing, I can accept it for today and do better.  And I did do better today.  I'm getting back on track, but I do think I need to check with this blog more often because it helps keep me focused.

Tonight I started re-watching the show Heavy about people who are extremely obese and working so very hard to lose weight in order to preserve their lives.  It puts my own struggles in perspective to see people who have hundreds of pounds to lose.  It's inspiring in a way to see their progress, but I feel sorrow watching them too knowing that their struggle will be long and arduous.  Will they be able to continue and maintain their loss?  Will I?  My heart goes out to them and I hope that they have been successful in reaching their goals.

On a cheerier subject, in an earlier post I wrote about how working around the house gives me a sense of purpose and a boost of positivity and joy.  I used these good feelings, a boost of energy, and tons of help from my awesome husband to transform our 'stuff storage' room to a guest room.  I don't have any before pics (because who needs pics of  random boxes and odds and ends?), but here are some after pics.

Y2, W6, Day 6: Purpose II

Well, how to begin.  I haven't posted in a week and I've missed publicly weighing in for the last two weeks because I haven't wanted to fess up on my lack of progress.  I can't seem to make myself do what has to be done around food.  I'm caving in, time and time again.  I have good intentions--don't we all, right?--but I'm having such a hard time putting them into practice.  The ridiculous thing is that after more than a year, this should be a piece of cake.  I know what to do.  I want to eat healthily.  I want to lose weight.  Maybe it's time to re-evaluate why I am doing this to myself.

In a way, I'm in a seductive food place.  I'm happy with my current weight.  I'm comfortable under 200 pounds, obese or no, too comfortable.  I'm physically a lot more fit than I've ever been.  Yesterday I attended a "marathon" two hour Zumba session with my stepmom.  When she asked me to go, I felt a twinge of fear; fear that I wouldn't be able to last or hold up for that time.  I've done Zumba before in years past and felt like I could barely go on after a half hour.  Not only did I make it the whole time, but though I was tired at the end of it, I wasn't spent.  I was surprised that my muscles were capable and strong.  I may be obese, but my body is getting stronger as the months go by.  I'm proud of that.

But losing weight?  I'm not.  I do a quick step back and forth over the same set of five pounds.  It's beyond frustrating.  But maybe I'm just not as focused as I once was.  Why am I doing this?

1)  I want to be healthy and live a full, active life.
2)  I want to be attractive and be able to find clothes that I like and look good. (Shallow?  Maybe, but still true.)
3)  I want to feel in control of myself and not have constant mental battles around food.
4)  I want to have a baby sometime in the relatively near future and I want to increase my odds of getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy (not to mention passing on good health to my child).

I have not weighed in several days and I'm a bit intimidated to see where it'll fall, but I will be weighing in this Tuesday and ready to refocus on the four reasons listed above.  I can do this, I know I can.  But maybe I'll reread these goals and ruminate on them a bit this week to remind myself of the purpose of everything.  And I will be more faithful to writing this blog because I truly believe that it helps me knowing that I am accountable to you readers.  Four thousand views strong, I thank you so very much for helping me stay on this path.  Thank you.

Y2, W5, Day 5: Purpose

I woke up this morning with a purpose:  to finally paint the one of our two spare bedrooms.  Okay, you ask, what does that have to do with weight?  Not much really, but I think I'll talk about it anyway.  :)

Sometimes the weekend can be really hard to stay on track because my time is unstructured.  I like to stay at home, relax, hang out in pjs, and well, eat stuff.  Eating is fun and relaxing.  It makes me feel good.  So if I'm going to avoid that food=happiness weekend pitfall, I have to have something to engage me.  In this case, a home decorating project is quite enough to hold my interest.  It gives my time a purpose and drive.  I find it amusing--and I'm not precisely sure why--that I appear to be the type of person that constantly needs something to do.  Maybe that's a good thing I'm a teacher...I'm constantly on the move, constantly running here and there, constantly making lists and ticking off lists scrawled on post-it notes.  At home I feel good when I'm doing things too.  Maybe that's why I like doing yard work (my other major to-do goal this weekend).  It allows me to be productive in a way that creates beauty.  Fixing up the house is similar.  It lets me be productive in a way that looks pleasing and feels harmonious.  It makes me feel good, just like food.

Someone once told me that in order to lose weight, you have to find a hobby that really engages you.  Too bad I don't know what mine is yet!  But I'd better get back to taping up those baseboards if I'm ever going to get to painting today.  To you readers out there, I hope that you find your bliss.

Y2, W5, Day 2: Struggling...

Well, I've missed a whole week of blogging, including weigh day yesterday.  That's never a good sign.  Generally when I haven't written for awhile it's because I'm floundering a bit, which was definitely the case last week.  Not only did the potluck go badly for my diet, but it continuing wrecking havoc the next two days with leftovers being so available at work.  Yikes.

I'm also struggling with a general lack of progress.  I weigh as much now as I did at Thanksgiving.  That means two or three months of no growth..or er, loss.  Actually, it's still loss when I consider that I gained ten pounds at Christmas and now have to lose them all over.  It's pretty stupid that I'm making myself work so hard by gaining and then losing all over again.

And to be honest, I really struggled this last week to stay on calories and failed most days.  It's so much easier to be responsible when I see the scale moving in the positive direction.  I've got to focus...which already didn't happen today...but maybe I can do better tomorrow.  There's always tomorrow, right?  Meh.