Thursday, March 29, 2012

Y2, W12, Day 3: Recap

Okay, I missed logging in on my weigh day.  It was pretty good considering the week before, coming in at 197.4.  Since my scare a week and a half ago, I've been logging my foods each day (though not necessarily staying within my calories each of those days).  Things have been going pretty well so far this week too, so I didn't skip blogging because things have been going badly.  It's a lame excuse, but I've been so tired this week.  Since last Friday, I feel like I've been run over my a small dump truck.  Why a dump truck, you ask?  I don't know, that's just what I imagine.  Next week is my spring break and I am more than ready for a little rest.  In the meantime, I'm still dragging myself off to the gym before work.  Thank goodness tomorrow's Friday.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Y2, W11, Day 1: The Brink

Okay, I seem to be a broken record here...struggling...not doing what I need to be doing....lost my focus....try again next time...blah, blah, blah.  Maybe that's why I've not been more inspired to be more consistent with this blog.  And then last week I didn't even bother to log my foods at all--I mean, why should I when I can keep on track of the food stuff myself, right?  I didn't even get on the scale because my brain said, "It's fine, you're fine."

And then I got on the scale Sunday night.  201.4.  *Pause for a moment of well-deserved but still painful angst*

I know, I know, it's just a number, right?  But in my mind there is a deep divide between being on the one hundred side of things and the two hundred side of things.  This isn't just bouncing around the same couple of pounds, this is absolutely moving in the wrong direction.  It's so frustrating because I know it shouldn't be, but so much of my feelings of self-worth are tied up in a stupid number.  If that number goes up, I feel the shame of being lacking in self-control.  I see myself differently and it's not for the better.

I panicked and immediately started planning what I was going to do differently (log my foods, stay focused, etc.) so maybe the whole thing is a blessing in disguise because fear, agitation, and guilt have given me a kick in the pants to do what's needful.

I logged my calories yesterday and today and I weighed in this morning at 199.4.  I've got to get away from that brink!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Y2, W10, Day 2: Weigh Day

Okay, I missed weigh day yesterday for no good reason other than I was watching a movie with subtitles and I couldn't write and watch.  However, I did weigh in at 197.4, the same as the week before.  I didn't do a good job with food last week and I know it.

This morning I met with my trainer as usual.  What was unusual is that she wanted to do a measuring in.  My favorite thing (said with some sarcasm).  Not only had I gained a pound and a half since the last time in the beginning of February, but I gained slightly on the measurements in most areas.  When I say slightly, I mean a tenth to a quarter of an inch of gain, so it's not like I added an inch or two anywhere, but still, you want to see that tape measure show you good things.  The only good thing was that for some reason we hadn't checked my body fat percentage since I'd joined the gym nine months ago.  I've lost eight pounds of fat since then.  You might be thinking, okay, what's so special about eight pounds?  But it's the 'of fat' part that's cool since fat takes up more space than muscle.

Regardless, maybe it's the little kick I need to remind myself of my goals and push myself harder to get out of this plateau I've stuck myself in.

This is about 1 pound of fat...I'm happy to be eight less of these.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Y2, W9, Day 5: Where's the shovel?

Despite my best intentions to keep up with my blog, I have totally flaked out this week on posting.  Things were going well last week until this week, when everything fell apart again.  It began with a two day long training on Monday and Tuesday.  Any time my routine is changed, things become more difficult.  Toss in a supply of pastries and muffins and eating out at lunch and suddenly I'd consumed way too many calories.  So I skipped weigh day.  I did weigh in (at 197.4), but I didn't write an entry that day because it was a gain and I deserved it and I didn't want to face it.  I didn't feel ready to face the failure.

I returned to work on Wednesday, but I didn't log my calories in the morning for the entire day as I usually do.  I ate what I felt was a regular day until it came time in the evening for me to log everything.  I was shocked to discover I was hundreds of calories over for the day.  Yikes!  On Thursday things were finally back on track.  On Friday I was determined to keep things going, which I did until I got to work.  Suddenly I found myself falling prey to the much dreaded Friday treats.  I had two donuts and plenty of coffee cake.  By that evening, since I'd already screwed up during the day, I added a piece of cake to that.  Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.  I know these foods are bad for me.  I know they are in the way of me reaching my goals.  But I always feel that when the day has gotten away from me, I'm already lost and I might as well eat my way deeply into a hole.  I know that doesn't make any sense, but it's where my mind is.  I need a mind shovel to dig myself out of this place...hopefully it'll begin tomorrow.