Okay, I seem to be a broken record here...struggling...not doing what I need to be doing....lost my focus....try again next time...blah, blah, blah. Maybe that's why I've not been more inspired to be more consistent with this blog. And then last week I didn't even bother to log my foods at all--I mean, why should I when I can keep on track of the food stuff myself, right? I didn't even get on the scale because my brain said, "It's fine, you're fine."
And then I got on the scale Sunday night. 201.4. *Pause for a moment of well-deserved but still painful angst*
I know, I know, it's just a number, right? But in my mind there is a deep divide between being on the one hundred side of things and the two hundred side of things. This isn't just bouncing around the same couple of pounds, this is absolutely moving in the wrong direction. It's so frustrating because I know it shouldn't be, but so much of my feelings of self-worth are tied up in a stupid number. If that number goes up, I feel the shame of being lacking in self-control. I see myself differently and it's not for the better.
I panicked and immediately started planning what I was going to do differently (log my foods, stay focused, etc.) so maybe the whole thing is a blessing in disguise because fear, agitation, and guilt have given me a kick in the pants to do what's needful.
I logged my calories yesterday and today and I weighed in this morning at 199.4. I've got to get away from that brink!