Sunday, February 19, 2012

Y2, W6, Day 6: Purpose II

Well, how to begin.  I haven't posted in a week and I've missed publicly weighing in for the last two weeks because I haven't wanted to fess up on my lack of progress.  I can't seem to make myself do what has to be done around food.  I'm caving in, time and time again.  I have good intentions--don't we all, right?--but I'm having such a hard time putting them into practice.  The ridiculous thing is that after more than a year, this should be a piece of cake.  I know what to do.  I want to eat healthily.  I want to lose weight.  Maybe it's time to re-evaluate why I am doing this to myself.

In a way, I'm in a seductive food place.  I'm happy with my current weight.  I'm comfortable under 200 pounds, obese or no, too comfortable.  I'm physically a lot more fit than I've ever been.  Yesterday I attended a "marathon" two hour Zumba session with my stepmom.  When she asked me to go, I felt a twinge of fear; fear that I wouldn't be able to last or hold up for that time.  I've done Zumba before in years past and felt like I could barely go on after a half hour.  Not only did I make it the whole time, but though I was tired at the end of it, I wasn't spent.  I was surprised that my muscles were capable and strong.  I may be obese, but my body is getting stronger as the months go by.  I'm proud of that.

But losing weight?  I'm not.  I do a quick step back and forth over the same set of five pounds.  It's beyond frustrating.  But maybe I'm just not as focused as I once was.  Why am I doing this?

1)  I want to be healthy and live a full, active life.
2)  I want to be attractive and be able to find clothes that I like and look good. (Shallow?  Maybe, but still true.)
3)  I want to feel in control of myself and not have constant mental battles around food.
4)  I want to have a baby sometime in the relatively near future and I want to increase my odds of getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy (not to mention passing on good health to my child).

I have not weighed in several days and I'm a bit intimidated to see where it'll fall, but I will be weighing in this Tuesday and ready to refocus on the four reasons listed above.  I can do this, I know I can.  But maybe I'll reread these goals and ruminate on them a bit this week to remind myself of the purpose of everything.  And I will be more faithful to writing this blog because I truly believe that it helps me knowing that I am accountable to you readers.  Four thousand views strong, I thank you so very much for helping me stay on this path.  Thank you.

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