Well, how to begin. I haven't posted in a week and I've missed publicly weighing in for the last two weeks because I haven't wanted to fess up on my lack of progress. I can't seem to make myself do what has to be done around food. I'm caving in, time and time again. I have good intentions--don't we all, right?--but I'm having such a hard time putting them into practice. The ridiculous thing is that after more than a year, this should be a piece of cake. I know what to do. I want to eat healthily. I want to lose weight. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate why I am doing this to myself.
In a way, I'm in a seductive food place. I'm happy with my current weight. I'm comfortable under 200 pounds, obese or no, too comfortable. I'm physically a lot more fit than I've ever been. Yesterday I attended a "marathon" two hour Zumba session with my stepmom. When she asked me to go, I felt a twinge of fear; fear that I wouldn't be able to last or hold up for that time. I've done Zumba before in years past and felt like I could barely go on after a half hour. Not only did I make it the whole time, but though I was tired at the end of it, I wasn't spent. I was surprised that my muscles were capable and strong. I may be obese, but my body is getting stronger as the months go by. I'm proud of that.
But losing weight? I'm not. I do a quick step back and forth over the same set of five pounds. It's beyond frustrating. But maybe I'm just not as focused as I once was. Why am I doing this?
1) I want to be healthy and live a full, active life.
2) I want to be attractive and be able to find clothes that I like and look good. (Shallow? Maybe, but still true.)
3) I want to feel in control of myself and not have constant mental battles around food.
4) I want to have a baby sometime in the relatively near future and I want to increase my odds of getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy (not to mention passing on good health to my child).
I have not weighed in several days and I'm a bit intimidated to see where it'll fall, but I will be weighing in this Tuesday and ready to refocus on the four reasons listed above. I can do this, I know I can. But maybe I'll reread these goals and ruminate on them a bit this week to remind myself of the purpose of everything. And I will be more faithful to writing this blog because I truly believe that it helps me knowing that I am accountable to you readers. Four thousand views strong, I thank you so very much for helping me stay on this path. Thank you.