Tonight I feel hungry. This is rather odd because I feel real hunger for the first time in a while. I often feel detachment to food, boredom, emptiness, longing, but not a lot of hunger any more, despite the title of this blog. Even now as my stomach feels like it is curling in on itself (that's almost like an ab workout, right??), I wonder if it is true hunger at all. In either case, I could still have a piece of fruit or a vegetable to fill the hunger if I chose, but I don't because those things can't fill the true void. Food boredom overshadows being hungry.
This may sound like a good thing--too bored to eat, cool!--but from previous experience I know this is a dangerous phase to go through. What happens is that nothing sounds good to eat and everything seems dull and lifeless until I just can't stand it, and my will breaks by eating way too much of the things that I don't really want until I find the thing that calls to me. It's akin to having to buy ten lipsticks to find the shade you really do want....it's not like you can usually return the other ones you don't want, or un-eat the food you had in the meantime (well, I suppose there are ways to 'un-eat' food, but I'm not given to that myself).
What I need to do is reflect and concentrate, refocusing on my goals....207 by my birthday, only five weeks to go....50 pounds by the end of the year...to be happier and think better of myself...self-respect and self-worth...a boost of confidence...to be a better and more controlled me. I've just got to keep pushing myself because the sacrifice is worth it--I always know this in the long run, it's just hard to see on the day to day.