As I'm sure happens to many, many people out there, the time change has completely wiped me out this week. Today I drove home in a stupor and crashed out for a long nap, ignoring both the work I had brought home and the rather fanciful idea of more yard work. To be entirely honest, while I plan to spend Saturday doing another marathon round of clearing the backyard, I've really let physical activity slide this week. My official excuse is that I am super tired, but even though it is true, it's still an excuse. I'll do better next week.
In the meantime, I am currently being plagued by the idea tonight that I need dessert. Sweets are my constant temptation. Today at work there was a potato potluck for Saint Patrick's Day and I did relatively well in selecting a small potato (I'd had a properly portioned potato the night before to help me recognize an appropriate serving today) with a teaspoon of butter and some salsa, but I also had a small piece of cheesecake and a piece of a cookie. I dragged out that piece of cheesecake for over twenty minutes, savoring each little sweet morsel. I do try to avoid sweets during the day, but often save some points for a little something after dinner. My brain seems to have forgotten that I've already had my sweet for today and it's been repeating "Dessert! Dessert! Dessert! DESSERT!!!!" for the last couple hours. Honestly, I don't think I can hold out much longer, but fortunately, we're headed for bed soon. (And yes, I know that fruit is always an option and I eat lots of it, but it doesn't satisfy that intense 'processed sugar' need.)
I feel angry at myself on some level---I'm in control here. My mind is me. So why do I have to fight this compulsion so hard? I can't stop thinking about it and I want it to just stop already and be normal. Or maybe this happens to everyone? I don't know. Maybe other people are just better disciplined. I do feel this is a learned behavior, a routine, which is part of why it's so difficult--my mind and body expect the reward, the happiness of the sweet, the release. Not tonight though.