Monday, April 18, 2011

W15, Day 7: Cheesecake

Okay, I want to say outright that I'm not looking forward to this weigh day, but I'm ready for it to come so that I can move forward for a new week.  I have to own that I made some poor food choices this weekend.  It's going to sound awful in the black type as I write this, but I can only say that I truly did try to limit the amount of the poor food choices I made, but I was in a different environment with temptations outside my realm of ordinary.  So, this weekend I had two absolutely delicious pancakes, a good deal of caramel kettlecorn, a carnitas burrito, and a good deal more cheesecake than was good for me.  Oh, and some chocolate frosting on a spoon tonight.  Yeesh.

I guess I am of two minds about my food transgressions, calling to my mind the famous introductory sentence, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness..."  And so it was.  It was wonderful to see family this weekend and to be home and just to take a break for the severity of my daily food grind (I really gotta get back into looking for new recipes to take some of the dull out of the diet, but that's another post!) and eat like a normal person, but it also reminded me that I don't eat like a normal person and that's why I'm at the weight I am.  When I am exposed to tempting, different food, my brain kicks into high gear with a big, "WANT!!!  GIMMIE GIMMIE!" in huge neon letters.  I tried to be wise in the portions I was eating, if not the foods themselves, but that doesn't necessarily mean I really did a good job. 

 But it felt so good to eat good tasting things again.  So good.  Too good.  I'm so frustrated on a deeper level.  Beneath the food satisfaction is an anger at myself that I can't control my relationship with food, my wanting.   My inability to resist temptation exposes the true fact that what I am doing with WW is really only controlling behaviors in a superficial way, it's not changing the underlying problems that have made me fat to begin with.  Or, I can't say 'begin with' since I feel I've been this way for forever.  WW says that if you go on long enough this way, the true change will happen in the brain as you build new pathways, replacement behaviors, and experiences.  But I'm afraid.  Deep down I'm afraid it will always be this way.  I see this struggle tunneling down through the years of my life.  Almost makes you want to run out for a piece of cheesecake, doesn't it?

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