Saturday, February 12, 2011

W6, Day 5; Appearances can be deceiving

This weekend we are visiting my in-laws.  So far I've been able to manage my food well (a fruit bowl from Starbucks, a plain, simple turkey sandwich at a coffee shop for lunch) and I've been able to save a bunch of my points for the dinner I know is coming tonight.  I went idly browsing at clothes and bought a couple things this morning.  My delight was huge at being able to slip into a size 18 pair of jeans at Old Navy and finding that they are loose (normally I wear size 20 at that store).  I love clothes browsing when I am losing because I can see my progress in the way the clothes fit.

Last night, however, I was having a clothes crisis.  Or rather, I was just panicking.  We were packing for our visit this weekend and were in a hurry and I just couldn't seem to find anything to wear.  Yes, I have my half of the closet packed full of clothes, some of which fit and much of which doesn't, but it's mostly a perception problem.  Anytime I go to see family, I just panic.  It's stupid because I know they love me and will love me no matter what I look like, but deep down, I fear their judgement more than anyone's.  When I look in the mirror, I see someone else, someone huge and bloated and distorted.  Not me.  Then I start worrying about what family members see...who they see...can they truly see me under the layers of distortion?

I try to disguise it under a flattering plume of feathers--my best jeans, a loose shirt, bright socks.  But somehow everything looked awful on me as I stood before the mirror.  Worse than usual.  I pulled on outfit after outfit, only to discard the articles of clothing on the floor, the bed, the open dresser drawer, scattered gaudy birds....Upset and teary, despite my husband's reassurances, I finally crammed a couple pants and shirts in the suitcase and zipped it up.  Off we went.  Despair last night, acceptance today. What a roller coaster ride.


  1. I know how you feel. When I'm at home with Nick, I feel fine and am proud of my accomplishments in the form of looser fitting jeans. But when I visit my parents I feel enormous. My mom is very petite (5'2" and 110 lbs) and my sister is tall but very thin. Next to them I feel like the Big Friendly Giant. Just try to stay confident!

    - chelsea

  2. Oh Chelsea, you are a gorgeous woman--you look fantastic--really and truly! I had to laugh at the "Big Friendly Giant" though, that's me too. :)