This evening I went clothes shopping. This can be a hit or miss activity. It feels like I either find a lot of stuff that fits me, or nothing. Finding things validates my feelings of self-worth; looking like a stuffed sausage in everything makes me feel terrible. Since I was already feeling terrible today, it's a good thing for me that I found a couple shirts and sweaters on clearance that fit me well and looked fine. I know, I know, you might be thinking, "Why on Earth does she need clothes shopping to bolster her self-respect? Stand up and accept yourself, woman!" I know this is true, but I have just been feeling so down about my body this week. It's been months and I've gone nowhere. I'm not talking about quitting or anything, how can I? This has become a normality. Though it doesn't always feel like it, I have actually altered many negative behaviors, not just in this last seven months, but in the last few years with my many attempts at WW.
Let's see what's improved over the years:
*I don't eat ice-cream every night---or hardly ever for that matter (Okay, okay, maybe 1-2 times per month on average).
*We don't eat out 4-5 nights a week. I can't believe we used to eat out like that, but we did. It sort of shocks me to remember, actually.
*I eat a lot more fruit and dairy (yogurt and cottage cheese mostly) and a lot fewer carbs.
*I try to be more conscious of the nutrition in a food rather than just what it might taste like.
*I eat much smaller portions of foods than I used to and I get fuller faster.
*I'm trying to be more active whenever possible, whether it's working in the garden or going to the gym.
So then, the question remains: why aren't I losing weight? It's hard to answer fully, but it feels like my brain is sabotaging me. I do well for days and then blow it all with a large/unhealthy meal or day that puts me back for a whole week. In this week's case, it was actually several days in a row. I have a very hard time moderating myself around other people. It's almost like somehow having people around magically makes it okay for me to eat the way I want rather than the way I should. Obviously not true.
And then I get frustrated, upset, and just plain old angry. I start with the whys. Why does it have to be so damn hard? Why does it seem harder for me than for others? (I'm sure this isn't actually true, but in the moment it feels so). Why can my husband eat the same things as me and more and not gain anything? (Good metabolism, more muscle, being male, etc.) Why does my brain fight me when I know the food is not good for me? Why can't I just lose weight? Why, why, why is it so hard for me? Because it is.
All I can do is keep throwing myself against that wall and hope it comes down before my determination and will get too battered. I still think I can do it.