W2, Day 2: Journeys

I read an interesting essay (see link below) about a woman who lost 180 pounds after having weight loss surgery.  This essay struck me for a few different reasons.  First, when she was consulting her doctor about the surgery, he made an insensitive remark about how she'd now be able to fly without people on the plane giving her that "look of horror" (his words) because they might have to sit next to her.  The author was upset because what he said not just hurt her, but affirmed all the negative things she felt about herself.  Her doctor should have known better.  Just because someone is overweight doesn't mean she or he has no feelings or deserve to be treated like a pariah.  It doesn't mean people should shudder or think that the person is less than worthy.  And that's the problem.  This woman doesn't need anyone to think these negative things about her because she does it for herself.  I do it too.  I'm sure many overweight people do, which is ridiculous because one's weight doesn't define their worth.  Now if I just say that a million times and shout it from a mountain, I may believe it in my heart instead of just my mind.

The next thing that really struck me occurred after the author lost the weight.  She had surgery and lost a lot of weight without having to change her behaviors.  She became very thin.  At last her dream of beauty and social acceptance could come true, happiness and love only belonging to the thin after all.  Was she happy?  No.  Losing the weight didn't change her lack of self love.  Further, by losing the weight without changing her behavior or her mindset, she didn't deal with the underlying issues that caused her to gain the weight to begin with.  Here's a quote from her essay:

" I lost a lot of things along with the weight. I lost my sense of self. My sense of proportion. My sense of dignity, of maturity, of control. I was skinny, but my life wasn't suddenly and magically perfect-and that completely astonished me. It sounds ridiculous, having really fallen for the fairy tale of weight loss. But I had fallen for it completely, and then was blinded by the egregious lack of a happily ever after."

I used to fantasize that if I could somehow magically just become thin, I'd be able to maintain it.  I know now that is untrue.  That's part of why I originally started this blog.  Until I address my food issues and resolve or learn to control them, I'll never truly be successful.  As much as I sometimes wonder if a weight loss surgery option wouldn't give faster results, I think this process of calorie counting, reflecting, and (hopefully) exercising is my path to living a freer, happier life.  In other words, change that comes too easy isn't real change.  I was feeling badly that I'm back to where I am with my weight and having to begin my blog from what feels like the beginning, but maybe it's all a journey.  That's in the title of this blog after all.  It's a journey, not just a destination, and if the journey takes a little longer...well, that's okay too.


http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/losing-180-pounds-really-does-body-8212-160-163900419.html  "What Losing 180 Pounds Really Does to Your Body-- & Your Mind"

Week 2, Day 1 Weigh Day

I have been looking forward to this weigh day all week.  This morning I weighed in at 233.4 for a loss of 1.8 pounds.  Not the biggest loss I've ever had in the first week, but still a good loss and I'm happy.  Usually the first week I start I lose three or four pounds, but from my experiences this first week, I can tell there are going to be some new challenges to overcome.

1)  I'm much more sedentary at home than at work.  I got more calories to play with just by going to work since I used to be on my feet all day.  Though I do spend time walking around holding the baby, it's not nearly the same activity level.  You might think, "Well, why don't you move more?" That leads me to the next challenge.

2)  I'm tired.  On most nights, baby is doing a pretty good job of sleeping and my husband gets up with him too, but I wake up constantly through the night at every little squeak, sniffle, and complaining squawk and cry (he doesn't like sleeping alone).  It's much better than the first month, yet I'm still pooped most days and when I'm tired, I want to eat and eat and eat just for comfort.  Instead I've been drinking sugar free liquids like flavored water and tea all day.

3)  My stomach hurts.  This may actually end up helping my weight loss because it hurts sometimes after I eat and I get a wave of strong nausea.  If it continues I'll check in with my doctor, but in the meantime, sometimes it's hard for me to tell when I feel ill or just hungry.  It's definitely distracting.  In the meantime, eating healthy foods like oatmeal and fruits and veggis seem to help, so I've been sticking to low fat foods.

4)  I'm lacking in gym time.  I know lots of people who are working at weight loss exercise without using those calories, but I would usually eat mine since I'd earned them.  This was often a motivator when I was on the elliptical or jogging because I'd promise myself a fun food reward later.  That way I got in my enjoyable foods while still staying within my calories and keeping nutritious foods in place.  I'm thinking I might be able to sneak out to the gym for at least a little while on the weekends and maybe that would be a good place to start.

5)  I have a lot more time at home.  When I'm at work, time flies by.  I can't eat on the job (except for recess time and lunch), so I don't.  My food times are firmly set.  At home I have many more opportunities to eat and I have plenty of time to think about food.  I've set meal and snack times for myself during to day to help counter this, so I just have to stick with it.

All in all, I'm still feeling positive about reaching my goals, though I think it's going to be more of an uphill battle than in the past.  One week at a time is all I have to focus on though.  One pound a week is doable if I just keep at it.  It took me forty one weeks to put on this weight and it'll probably take as long to take it off and that's okay.  This isn't a race.  I'll dig out my jogging shoes yet, just not today.

Week 1, Day 5 Good for the Soul

This weekend I spent a lot of time gardening.  My husband graciously offered to watch baby so that I could spend some time outside.  I had rather planned to let go of my garden this year because I felt I didn't have the time to invest in it, but each day last week I watched spring start to take hold and felt such longing to go out and be part of it.  It sounds silly, but there is such joy in watching small flower buds begin to unfold.  Feeling the sun on your face and the cool wind swirl around you lifts the spirits, even when they didn't need lifting to begin with.

A Weight Watchers leader once said during a meeting that if you want to be successful at weight loss, you have to find a good hobby and I think it's true.  When I'm working my my garden I don't feel the hunger or the need to eat.  My mind is absorbed in imagining how things will be and creating a beautiful space.  I'm at peace.  Until I got out there this weekend, I didn't realize how much I had missed having the freedom of movement to hoist that shovel, pull those weeds, and climb up in that planting box.  My giant pregnancy belly and post pregnancy recovery kept me from doing most of those things in the last several months.  Now I am unleashed.

I'm very thankful for my outdoor time this weekend.  As much as I adore my baby, having some "me" time is wonderful too and I think it gives me strength to do better during the week, both in terms of food and being a good mommy.  Wait a minute, you might say, this is supposed to be a weight loss blog, not a baby blog....I know, I know, I'm getting back to it, but the two are linked together.  When I'm very tired, physically and mentally, I turn straight to food for comfort.  That was really apparent the first month after birth.  Everything was so overwhelming and exhausting that I had a direct line to my chocolate biscotti.  Now that baby is older and I'm feeling a bit more experienced, I think I'm more ready to use other things like my garden and baby's darling smiles to uphold me.  I find myself sore from head to foot today and it makes me smile because it was totally worth it.  What a great way to start the day.  :)

W1, Day 3: Does anyone love jean shopping?

So I bought the pants.  To be more precise, the jeans.  The jeans larger than any size I’ve ever purchased.  Actually, it was a predecessor of these jeans that got me started on my weight loss path to begin with.  Years ago, I was at the mall with my husband shopping for new jeans when I realized that the only ones that would fit were a size 22.  I don’t know why that was my limit at the time, but I broke down and cried right there in the mall and vowed then and there to make some major food changes.  And so I did.

I kept a pair of my largest pants to remind me of those times and my bad habits and why I never wanted to go back to that mental place.  The day before I restarted this blog, I tried on those pants, only to realize they are too small.  Ouch.  That was a rather painful blow to my self-esteem.  Of course, 1) a pair of pants does not determine one’s character or worth, and 2) I had a baby eight weeks ago so it’s more understandable that my belly is larger.  Actually, I weigh less now than when I originally wore those pants, but my weight has redistributed itself to my tummy and thighs (I’d heard that I’d gain a bust size and was pretty all right with that, but it didn’t happen).  So, getting back to my original sentence, I sucked it up and bought the size 22 jeans that I’ve so dreaded.  Sadly, these pants are still a bit snug in the waistband, but I was unwilling to go any further up.  I don’t want to set that trend for myself.  I’ve gained four pants sizes through my pregnancy, and now I’m working my way back downward!

In other news, I’m hungry. Really, really hungry.  All right, that’s not really news.  I have charted everything I’ve eaten in the last two days, though I didn’t stay within calories yesterday.  I’ve been allotted 1,700 base calories plus any amount that I exercise.  I’ve been trying to fill up on vegetables.  While this is good for my body, it’s wrecking havoc on my digestive track so I haven’t been feeling the best.  From having done this before, I know that the first week is the hardest in terms of hunger and then my body adjusts and it’s fine.  In the meantime, I’m drinking lots of fluids and trying not to think about the grumbly in my tumbly.  Oddly, I realize there’s something cleansing about the discomfort, as though I’m feeling the excess slide away.  It can keep on sliding!  Tired and hungry, I still feel positive and excited too.  Bring it on!

Week 1, Day 2: Stats

Okay, yesterday was the overview of why I’m back to my current weight.  Today is for the nitty gritty, painful details.  I’m embarrassed, so let’s just get them out of the way right away, rather like the way it’s less painful to pull off a band aid all at once or easier to jump into a pool instead of slide in slowly.  Today I weighed in at 235.2.  That’s not the highest weight I’ve ever been at before pregnancy, but it’s definitely not something I’m proud of.  The day I learned I was pregnant, my birthday last year, I weighed in at 202.  The day I went into the hospital to start labor, I weighed in at 261, having gained 59 pounds.  Yikes. 

Aiming to lose one pound per week, I’ve set my new goal at 190 pounds, with a secondary (never reached) goal at 175.  If you’re new to my blog, you may wonder why I chose a goal that would not make me skinny.  The reason is that I don’t necessarily want to be thin (although really, who doesn’t?), but rather, I want to feel healthy, confident, and strong.  I feel good at 190 pounds, comfortable in my own body.  I’ve been that weight before so I know it’s attainable and reasonable for me.  I would very much like to reach 175 pounds or a little under because that would take me out of the obese category on the b.m.i. charts, but I’m willing to set that goal a little farther out.  I want to focus first on something I can reach.

Another goal I really want to highlight is less measurable, but I want to regain my strength.  Before my pregnancy, I went to the gym several times a week.  I felt strong and could see and feel my muscle growth.  Now I feel frustratingly weak.  Getting up from the ground is tough.  Sitting up in bed is tough.  Walking more than a few minutes is tough.  I hate it.  While I still have my membership, I haven’t been to the gym since November.  I’m not trying to make excuses, but I don’t foresee going in the near future either.  I imagined that after birth, I’d be able to pop right back in and work that elliptical.  The reality is that my constraints are time and exhaustion.  I truly can’t go during the day while I’m taking care of the baby.  I have a window of a couple hours in the evening when my husband is home and we jointly care for baby, but by then, the lack of sleep and exhaustion from the day weighs me down and I’m already looking towards bed.  I think this will improve as the baby begins sleeping more at night, and if not, summer is only a couple of months away and we’ll both be home all day. Until then, baby and I have been going for walks.  It’s crazy how a 25 minute walk around the neighborhood exhausts me, but it’s the first step towards building up some endurance.  We’ll keep at it and I’m going to attempt some exercises at home.  Maybe I should just do reps of lifting the baby up and down over my head.  After seven weeks of holding him, my arms are definitely getting a work out!

Week 1, Day 1 Back Again! Post Pregnancy

Well, my blog has been neglected for quite some time!  The reason being is that I’ve been pregnant with my beautiful baby boy, Liam.  Now that he’s born and we’re both finding our way, I’ve decided to take back my body.  In truth, I’ve been longing to take back control for weeks and weeks, but found myself lacking the energy and motivation to control my food intake both after the baby was born and during the end of my pregnancy, especially in the last trimester.  Feeling like I was starving every three hours during that time didn’t help much either.

Really though, I gained a lot of weight during those last few weeks of my pregnancy and I think a lot of the reason was emotional.  I wasn’t working, so my body was much less active and it hurt all over to move, adding to my couch time.  I obsessed about meeting my baby and when labor would start and was so bored.  Boredom, pain, and inactivity are a bad combination!  So where did I turn for comfort?  Food of course!  I was hungry all the time—true hunger, not imaginary hunger—but the problem was the food choices I made.  I ate the healthy low fat, high protein yogurt, but added fatty, sugary granola.  I drank glasses of milk…but had a side of cookies to go with it.  I munched on carrots…but dipped them in full fat ranch dressing.  Hot chocolate was my best friend.

You get the idea. 

 

I gained ten pounds in the last three weeks of my pregnancy alone.  Add in Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years (always difficult food control times for me) and that last trimester was not forgiving for weight gain.  I’m so embarrassed to tell you my weight now, after all the progress I made the last time I wrote in this blog.  The only thing that keeps me from being absolutely ashamed is that with all the weight gain, I also gained someone precious.  My new little love is worth the damage to my body.

It’s time for me to take back my body and get in control.  I logged my foods today for the first time in at least eight months.  Today I take the first steps.  I’ve done it before and I can do this.

Y2, W12, Day 3: Recap

Okay, I missed logging in on my weigh day.  It was pretty good considering the week before, coming in at 197.4.  Since my scare a week and a half ago, I've been logging my foods each day (though not necessarily staying within my calories each of those days).  Things have been going pretty well so far this week too, so I didn't skip blogging because things have been going badly.  It's a lame excuse, but I've been so tired this week.  Since last Friday, I feel like I've been run over my a small dump truck.  Why a dump truck, you ask?  I don't know, that's just what I imagine.  Next week is my spring break and I am more than ready for a little rest.  In the meantime, I'm still dragging myself off to the gym before work.  Thank goodness tomorrow's Friday.

Y2, W11, Day 1: The Brink

Okay, I seem to be a broken record here...struggling...not doing what I need to be doing....lost my focus....try again next time...blah, blah, blah.  Maybe that's why I've not been more inspired to be more consistent with this blog.  And then last week I didn't even bother to log my foods at all--I mean, why should I when I can keep on track of the food stuff myself, right?  I didn't even get on the scale because my brain said, "It's fine, you're fine."

And then I got on the scale Sunday night.  201.4.  *Pause for a moment of well-deserved but still painful angst*

I know, I know, it's just a number, right?  But in my mind there is a deep divide between being on the one hundred side of things and the two hundred side of things.  This isn't just bouncing around the same couple of pounds, this is absolutely moving in the wrong direction.  It's so frustrating because I know it shouldn't be, but so much of my feelings of self-worth are tied up in a stupid number.  If that number goes up, I feel the shame of being lacking in self-control.  I see myself differently and it's not for the better.

I panicked and immediately started planning what I was going to do differently (log my foods, stay focused, etc.) so maybe the whole thing is a blessing in disguise because fear, agitation, and guilt have given me a kick in the pants to do what's needful.

I logged my calories yesterday and today and I weighed in this morning at 199.4.  I've got to get away from that brink!

Y2, W10, Day 2: Weigh Day

Okay, I missed weigh day yesterday for no good reason other than I was watching a movie with subtitles and I couldn't write and watch.  However, I did weigh in at 197.4, the same as the week before.  I didn't do a good job with food last week and I know it.

This morning I met with my trainer as usual.  What was unusual is that she wanted to do a measuring in.  My favorite thing (said with some sarcasm).  Not only had I gained a pound and a half since the last time in the beginning of February, but I gained slightly on the measurements in most areas.  When I say slightly, I mean a tenth to a quarter of an inch of gain, so it's not like I added an inch or two anywhere, but still, you want to see that tape measure show you good things.  The only good thing was that for some reason we hadn't checked my body fat percentage since I'd joined the gym nine months ago.  I've lost eight pounds of fat since then.  You might be thinking, okay, what's so special about eight pounds?  But it's the 'of fat' part that's cool since fat takes up more space than muscle.

Regardless, maybe it's the little kick I need to remind myself of my goals and push myself harder to get out of this plateau I've stuck myself in.

This is about 1 pound of fat...I'm happy to be eight less of these.

Y2, W9, Day 5: Where's the shovel?

Despite my best intentions to keep up with my blog, I have totally flaked out this week on posting.  Things were going well last week until this week, when everything fell apart again.  It began with a two day long training on Monday and Tuesday.  Any time my routine is changed, things become more difficult.  Toss in a supply of pastries and muffins and eating out at lunch and suddenly I'd consumed way too many calories.  So I skipped weigh day.  I did weigh in (at 197.4), but I didn't write an entry that day because it was a gain and I deserved it and I didn't want to face it.  I didn't feel ready to face the failure.

I returned to work on Wednesday, but I didn't log my calories in the morning for the entire day as I usually do.  I ate what I felt was a regular day until it came time in the evening for me to log everything.  I was shocked to discover I was hundreds of calories over for the day.  Yikes!  On Thursday things were finally back on track.  On Friday I was determined to keep things going, which I did until I got to work.  Suddenly I found myself falling prey to the much dreaded Friday treats.  I had two donuts and plenty of coffee cake.  By that evening, since I'd already screwed up during the day, I added a piece of cake to that.  Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.  I know these foods are bad for me.  I know they are in the way of me reaching my goals.  But I always feel that when the day has gotten away from me, I'm already lost and I might as well eat my way deeply into a hole.  I know that doesn't make any sense, but it's where my mind is.  I need a mind shovel to dig myself out of this place...hopefully it'll begin tomorrow.