Sunday, April 21, 2013

W6, Day 4: The Dreaded Mirror

Yesterday I had one of those moments when I just happened to glance in the mirror after a shower and saw all that mass around my middle and just felt hopeless and horrified.  The thought, "Oh God, is that me??" popped into my brain unbidden.  Though I haven't lost a lot, I see some progress in my body.  I can still see my collarbones (this was a big achievement years ago).  My torso under my bust line has diminished back to more normal proportions, a few of my old pants are beginning to fit, and my face has narrowed.  But I looked at that mass of belly and felt despair.

On the one hand, I'm not sure why it even matters because I know I'm working on losing the weight I gained during my pregnancy (despite the cupcake I had for breakfast this morning).  Of the sixty extra pounds I was carrying at the end, I only have 26 or so to be back where I was when I conceived.  And, my baby is only three months old as of yesterday.  So if it took me almost ten months to put all of that weight on, why am I so desperate to lose it all immediately?  Yes, I looked better pre-pregnancy and felt better too.  A lot better.  I guess I just want the old me back.  Maybe it's time to look forward to the new me?  Still, I'd much rather it be a new me without quite so much around my middle.  I want to love my body again, to feel good in my skin.  In the back of my mind, I'm worried about what people would think if they saw the me under my clothes.  Then I think, "Who cares?"  I've earned those stretch marks and belly rolls.  My son is definitely a prize and a bunch of belly fat seems like a small trade for my beloved .  Still, I'm avoiding the mirror until things get a little better.  It was fun to embrace my big belly in a sort of Earth mother thing when I was pregnant, not so much after.  It's all good.  I've just got to be positive and embrace the now.

Looking at the before and after pics help though.  I spent a crazy amount of time this morning trying to put captions on these pics and centering them, but in the end, I'm giving up.  Instead, I'll just write the captions up here.

Pic.#1:  New Years Eve, 19 days before birth.  I was HUGE!
Pic.#2:  Last month, looking better!
Pic.#3:  Two months before birth, baby belly in profile.
Pic.#4:  Last weekend, hard to see my belly here, but I was feeling better and pretty too.


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