Friday, April 19, 2013

W6, D3: Images

One of the big reasons why I restarted this blog is because of my son.  I don't want him to be like me.  Obese.  Self-conscious.  Afraid of what others think of him all the time.  And it's more than I want to lose weight.  I want to be healthy for both of us.  I want to be able to chase him at the park, to play tag with abandon.  I want to teach him to be active and eat properly.  While I fervently hope that he'll grow up to have the metabolism of my thin husband, I fear he's too much like me.  That's silly, you might say, he's just a baby.  True!  I feel ridiculous even thinking about it, but I find myself thinking about it all too often.  I don't want him to be like me.  He was born larger than average and has steadily gained weight.  At a month and a half old, he was wearing 3-6 month old clothes.  At almost three months, those clothes are tight and we're switching to 6-9 months outfits.  He's on the outer edge of the doctor's growth chart (though she's not concerned and says he'll probably level out eventually).  He eats with gusto and I find myself keeping track of the ounces to make sure he doesn't take more than the range the doctor advised.  Crazy, right?  On the one hand, it is.  Babies are babies and probably aren't going to eat a lot more than is good for them.  On the other hand, I spent my childhood knowing I was fat and feeling that I was not a good enough person because of it and I would spare my beloved child that pain.  Of course, he's a boy and I think there's a little less weight pressure for guys, but still.

I recently read someone's blog post (see below for link) about how a mom is having a hard time because she loves the way her daughter looks, but has difficulty because the child looks like her and the mom has spent a lifetime disliking her appearance.  She writes, "She looks just like me. I need to see that as a blessing to her, not a curse. I am trying."  It's really sad.  Really, really sad.  She wants to teach her daughter self acceptance while still learning it herself.  I can absolutely relate.  All of this is so very shallow and silly.  What does it matter what someone looks like when what's inside is what counts?  And yet it totally does.  The worst part is that often we are our own worst critics and that except for a few, most people don't view us in the negative way we view ourselves.  We build our own prison walls.  I want my kiddo to be free of it.

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