W4, D4: Spring Break

I haven't written much these last few days, but for a very different reason than last week.  This is spring break for my husband, who has been home all week.  It's been wonderful having him home and sharing some of the childcare responsibilities.  I have been (mostly) sticking to my calories and hopefully I'll see a better result this week.  In the meantime, it's been a happy, productive week.

This week I:
*Cleaned out the baby's closet and sorted his clothes, books, and misc. items.
*Took a hot bubble bath for the first time in a year.
*Cleaned house.
*Sorted the bathroom drawers.
*Found daycare for baby for next fall.
*Stocked the fridge.
*Visited the Asian market.
*Sampled some yummy (small) dim sum items.
*Read a book.
*Spend quality time with my husband, baby, and kitties.
*Chatted with friends.
*Took a long walk.
*Finally (almost!) finished reading that parenting magazine.
*Ate a cupcake (but only one!).

I still had lots of other things I wanted to do (get oil changed, alter some clothes, garden...) but I've been thankful for this time and feeling positive, which helps me stay on track.  The last time my husband was home for a week, the time was about recovery and rest.  This week was about enjoying life and the precious moments with our baby.  What a great week.

W4, Day 1: Weigh Day

Well, obviously I've missed a couple days of blogging and during that time, I also missed three days of logging my calories.  The result?  I weighed in today at 232.2, a gain of 0.8 pounds.  Sigh.  I know that I deserve the gain because the Costco bag of dried mangoes in the cupboard has a good dent in it (dried fruit is often very sugary and high in calories) and I also had a beer and a burrito in that time.  My defensive side argues that I should be able to have a darn burrito if I want it--it didn't even have cheese, sour cream, or anything like that for goodness sake!  But the real problem here wasn't what I was eating so much as how much and that I wasn't keeping track.  Whenever I stop tracking my calories, things go downhill even though I try to convince myself that this time it will be different. It won't.  It really won't.  So why do I let myself think that it will?  I think there are a couple problems going on here that aren't resolving themselves.

1)  The calories are much more restricted than ever before, making it hard for me to misstep even a little without falling over the line for the day, even with very modest meals.

2)  My stomach is still really bothering me, which should make weight loss easier.  The problem is that I don't eat because it hurts, but then over time, I get really, really hungry, causing me to eat too much.  Also, I turn to comfort foods to try to make me feel better (that's where those dried mangoes played in this weekend).

3)  This last issue is really dumb, but when I know I'm not doing well, I get frustrated with everything and this makes it easier to eat out of annoyance or defiance.  

Okay, so those are the problems.  Now I've got to focus on the solutions.  For the first one, I know the solution is the same:  I need to exercise more so that I can eat a little more.  For the second problem, I've already scheduled another visit to the doctor's office, so hopefully that'll get resolved soon.  For the third?  Well, that's the hardest because I have to change my mindset.  I need to learn to accept I've failed in an instance or for a day and move on rather than give up.  It's hard sometimes to keep encouraging myself to stay in this marathon.  That's why I rely on this blog, so I need to keep writing when I feel this way rather than go silent.  That's hard too because I hate to report that, yup, I'm still failing.  Maybe instead of failing, I need to think of it as I'm still struggling but persevering?  So, I will endeavor to do better this week, starting with tracking everything today.  I can do better.

I've got to work on this!

W3, D4: Blah...

I've felt really junkie today.  I actually took a nap in the afternoon, a rare event because then I feel I've lost a big chunk of the day.  I've been simultaneously both very hungry and in a lot of discomfort in my stomach area.  I still don't know what's causing my continuing stomach pain, but I've had additional pain along my incision line since I tried to do those crunches and leg lifts on Thursday.  My baby will be ten weeks old tomorrow, so I didn't think it was too soon to do a few crunches, but maybe it is since it's been quite painful and tender since.  To sum it up and repeating my topic sentence, I just feel junkie today.

I'm also having a really hard time staying within my calories.  My daily 1,700 seems so stringent somehow.  I know that's a reasonable number in my head, but I find myself straining against it most days with week because I am so very hungry.  I know, I know, the solution is to exercise more so that I can have more calories, but I'm too busy wallowing in an exhausted pity party.

Blah, blah, blah.  I promise to be much more perky next time.  In the meantime, thank goodness it's finally dinner time.

W3, Day 3: Brittany, Herself

Recently I've starting reading a blog called Brittany, Herself.  Brittany is a plus sized woman who is proud of her body and doesn't let it define who she is.  Recently she posted pictures of herself in a bikini, which crazily enough caused enough waves that they did a clip about it on Good Morning America.  It's ridiculous that a woman in a bathing suit is a big enough thing to be a news story.  Then she posted a follow up entry on The Huffington Post that I found very interesting because she had to defend her "plus size-ness".  She also wrote to say that she was healthy (and yes, obese people can be healthy; if you're interested, check out the links below), which I believe but other commentors don't.  But of course, there are always haters.  Let’s just ignore them because haters gonna hate.  

I'd like to focus on the first of her statements.  She had to make a case that she truly is obese by showing her scale and weight.  Even after this, I found interesting comments where people were saying the author misrepresented her weight.  Basically, they are saying she’s lying about her weight because she looks too attractive to really weigh 214 pounds.  First off, most overweight people don’t lie and say they weigh more than they do.  Second, how would they know?  Everyone's body is a different shape and proportion.  To the people saying, "I weigh X amount, so you can't weigh that much/little"--that doesn't even make sense.  I may weigh as much as another person and look completely different.  I think their real problem though is the deep societal idea that you can't weigh over two hundred pounds and look attractive, pretty, or heaven forbid, sexy.  Therefore, because she looks like those things, she must be lying and saying she weighs more than she really does.

Okay, here goes:  people over two hundred pounds can be attractive, pretty/handsome, and yes, sexy.  It's hard for some people to wrap their heads around.  I know because I was one of those people.  I topped the two hundred mark in my senior year of high school.  I hated the way I looked and I just knew that no one could ever love me romantically.  It's crazy, but by age eighteen I already absolutely and unshakably knew that no one would want to love me, marry me, and that I'd most likely die a virgin surrounded by cats (I may still end up surrounded by cats).  Thankfully, college age and older folks are a little more mature than high schoolers and eventually I figured out that I could be lovable despite my love handles, but it was still a long road.  Do I still want to weigh less than two hundred pounds?  Yes.  But can I feel good about my body and sexy above that number?  Yes.  As a whole society, we really need to get out of the only thin is beautiful mindset.  Going back to Brittany's blog, I think she looks fabulous in a bikini.  Rock it girl.

Brittany's blog and follow up:

"Why I'm Revealing My Weight On The Internet"

"Bikini Mountain"

Brittany, Herself: Chubby Girl

On obesity and health:

"Our Absurd Fear of Fat"

"The 'Obesity Paradox' -- Is It Healthy To Be Overweight?"

W3, Day 2: Tidbits

Just a few quick thoughts today:

1)  Yesterday I ate six oreo cookies even though I knew I didn't have the calories for them.  Why you ask?  I don't know.  I wish I could say (and put a stop to) what compelled me.  I started with four.  Then, knowing that I absolutely shouldn't, I went over to the cupboard and pulled out two more.  Even as I was opening the bag I knew with every fiber of my being that I shouldn't.  But I did it anyway.  The worst thing is that I didn't even enjoy the last two cookies.  I just ate them.  Nonetheless, I'm moving on determined to stay within calories today.

2)  Last night I decided to test my stomach pains problem with a fatty meal.  I went to the doctor last week and she suggested it might be gallstones causing my discomfort.  Fortunately an ultrasound showed this is not the case.  I've been avoiding eating much fat for the last couple weeks and my stomach feels much better, so I thought that maybe I'm all better.  As an experiment, I had some thin crust veggie pizza from Papa Murphy's.  It tasted fine, but I was in a lot of pain for much of the night so obviously I'm not cured and the level of discomfort is not worth the taste of the food.  Back to low fat everything, which is probably better for me anyway.

3)  I tried to do some crunches today while the baby was lying on his playmat.  Yikes.  I persevered into doing ten very pathetic ones.  I used to do 90-180 during a gym session.  Then I tried to do leg lifts and couldn't even do one.  I used to do 30 and my trainer had once complimented me on how easy they looked.  I modified it by putting one knee up with the foot resting on the floor and only lifting one straight leg for ten repetitions before switching legs.  It sort of shocked me to realize how much muscle strength I've lost.  I know that I have to stop looking backwards to the way I was before pregnancy and just move forward, but it's still hard.  On the bright side, baby seemed amused by my exercises next to him on the floor.  Maybe I'll just keep trying every time he goes down to play.  I think I might just hit the gym tomorrow.  We'll see!

W3, Day 1: Weigh Day

It's another weigh day today and stepping on that scale was pretty good today at 231.4, putting me down 2.4 from last week and down 3.8 pounds total from my starting weight.  I was also thinking this morning about how I weighted exactly thirty pounds more the day my labor started.  I checked my pregnancy weight log that I kept in the (vain) hope of avoiding gaining too much weight, and I weigh as much now as I did on week 26.  It rather feels like I am now taking backward steps away from my pregnancy.  I sort of imagine it as a long ladder that I climbed up step by step and pound by pound until I reached the roof.  Now I am working my way back down the same ladder, step by step and pound by pound until I my feet reach the bottom where I am comfortable again.

In some ways, I think I should be focusing on setting higher...or, er, lower...weight goals for myself, but really, if I could fit in most of my clothes again and be back to where I was, I think I'd be happy for right now.  When I get closer to that point, I'll reevaluate, but in the meantime I'm feeling good.

In a way, it's still funny for me to say that I'm feeling good about my body right now because my discomfort with it has been so ingrained, but it's true.  I feel good about my body right now.  I should print this entry and post it on the wall to remind myself of that!  But seriously, I still have some aches and pains that I didn't before, but I'm feeling so much more mobile and stronger than I have been in months.  It feels great.  When I look in the mirror, I see the after effects of the pregnancy:  stretch marks, loose skin, a big tummy, etc., which would have made the old me shudder, but now seems okay.  I can see a narrow place under my bust and an emerging waist and know it's the old me coming back.  I'm all right with that
.  What a rare thing to be comfortable in my own skin.  Now I just need to find a way to hold on to that feeling.

W2, Day 7: Clothes and confidence

I like the show What Not to Wear on TLC.  Each week the hosts take a woman with terrible fashion sense (ex. baggy sweats everyday) and help her dress her body attractively.  All right, maybe it’s shallow and all, but the focus of this blog isn’t terribly deep either.  But the thing I notice about most episodes is how most people feel so much better about themselves when they’re attired in clothing that fits them well.  Even though in the beginning they protest about not needing a change, by the end, they feel much more confident and ready to face the world.  Apparently, clothes really do make the man…or, er, woman.  I also notice that several women on the show don’t know how to dress their bodies because they’ve lost large amounts of weight but still see themselves as they were before.  Some are afraid to go in and try on clothes because they are afraid they won’t fit in anything even though they’re a much smaller size than before.  I guess I understand this fear, but it’s the opposite with me. 

When I’m losing weight, I love shopping because even if I don’t buy anything, the smaller clothes highlight my body changes and the weight loss for me.  Even more fun is shopping within my own closet.  Ever think to yourself, “I have way too many clothes but nothing to wear?”  I do this all the time because I have tons of clothes, but they are in a range of sizes.  I have stuff in everything from a size 14 to size 20.  Much like a bell curve, most of my clothes are in the middle sizes of 16 and 18.  When I’m losing weight, it’s fun to try on my own clothes and see favorite items begin to fit.  The difference this time is that my proportions have changed (my waist is much larger), so my original clothes aren’t fitting, even in the larger sizes.

In light of my new shape, I did go ahead and buy some new items.  I really shouldn’t have because I’m trying to save money with a new baby and I know I won’t be this size forever, but much like on the show, I felt reinvented in clothes that fit me properly. I may be larger, but I feel more confident in clothes that fit me.  It’s wonderful to get out of the baggy maternity stuff.  I also picked tops that I can alter by taking them in under the arms as I lose weight, so I’ll still be able to wear them.  Much of the message of What Not to Wear is to accept and accentuate the body that you have rather than hiding it and longing for something different.  While I’m still going to keep working to change my body, I feel more accepting of my body than I have for a long time.  Those of you who have read my blog in past years might know that this is a big change for me!  It’s almost as if I can accept the changes in my body because I know they were caused by pregnancy.  My mind is giving my body permission to have changed.  It feels odd to be able to accept myself (which is sad in itself), but I’m going to embrace it while the feeling lasts! 

I love this outfit, especially the shoes.  I feel cute.  :)

Not necessarily the best looking outfit, but it feels wonderful to be out of maternity!

W2, Day 5: A Challenge

Today's entry is a challenge to you the reader:  pick one thing or as many things as you can that you like about your body.  What do you think is neat about your body?

I find this challenge difficult at times, so I'll lead the charge and tell you mine first.  I like my eyes, which can be very expressive.  I like the point of my nose.  I like my clavicle bones.  And I'll be too honest with you, I like the shape of my breasts.  I like the scar on the top of my right hand (I don't know why, I guess that's kind of weird).

When you pick your favorite body parts, be sure you are choosing physical parts instead of adjectives about yourself,  abilities, or skills you can do with your body.  (Example, "I can arm wrestle a ninja to the ground," or "I am a kind person," etc.)  These things are wonderful about you, but sometimes they help us avoid thinking about our physical bodies.

So, reader, that's the challenge.  You can comment about what you love about your body, or you can just think it to yourself, but take some time to consider it.  The reason being is that often we don't love our physical selves, and how can we love who we are until we consider what we really love about our bodies?

W2, Day 4: Indulgences

So yesterday I did end up splurging by 250 calories, which is half of the calories I'm supposed to save each day.  The idea is that MyFitnessPal estimates the number of calories you need each day to break even and then subtracts 500 a day from there.  If you stay within their calorie limit, you should be burning 500 calories a day times seven days to make 3,500 a week, or about one pound. Unlike Weight Watchers, there is no "allowance" that allows you to splurge for a day.  I suppose you can always take it upon yourself to eat less one day to give yourself more calories another day.  I have a hard time with that though because I'm such a rule follower and when I see that little daily total reminder at the bottom, I want to fall in right by it exactly.

Sometimes I do miss the Weight Watchers flexibility that allowed me to basically have a weekend off and grab a burger if I wanted it.  I can still have that burger now, but I'd better be prepared to work damn hard for it exercising, not eat much else during the day, or see my calories go in the red at the bottom of the screen.  So you see, I have to make a choice if I want that special food.  I suppose it's like real life for everyone else!  You might say, "Uh, that's just eating responsibly."  *Sigh*  I don't like the new Weight Watchers because it didn't work well for me, but I remember the old days when I would pick one food or meal that I had been craving all week like a milkshake or pizza and enjoy it with probably indecent abandon on a Saturday.  That actually helped me stay on track because I knew that like baggage at an airport, my favorite foods weren't lost forever, they had hopped on a delayed flight and were waiting for the moment when I chose to pick them up at the gate.

I don't have the cravings yet because it's still early in the weight loss process and I'm all jazzed up, and because it still hurts when I eat fatty foods (kind of puts a damper on that pizza), but I know they will return.  I've found that if I deny myself for too long, then all of a sudden I lose my control, fall off the wagon, and binge eat.  I wish I could say this isn't true of myself, but it is.  Yesterday's 250 calories (mostly sweets) is a small reminder of what happens when I try to stay strong and push myself to accept hunger.  Fortunately, I can deal with 250 calories, but later when it's 2500 extra calories?  Because food is comfort for me, I need to find a way to let in those "fun foods" into my life and still stay on track.  I'm looking for some foods that I can enjoy and still stay on track.  It's a challenge for everyone!  Do you have any lower calorie foods that you just adore?  You know, the type of snack that conjures the image of sitting by a warm fireside with a good book and a cat in your lap?  That small indulgence that in a quiet five minutes makes your day that much better?  Let me know!

W2, Day 3: Hungry!

I'm hungry.  Very, very hungry.  The voracious dinosaur in my stomach is rawring her displeasure.  I don't want to give in, but I may allow an extra hundred calories or two to try and fill the empty.  We'll see.  In the meantime, RAWRRRRRRR!