Tuesday, November 22, 2011

W47, Day 1: Self-Image

Okay, so I'm at a low point.  Bad weigh day, you wonder?  Well yes, that too.  But my despondency is over something even more silly and pointless:  choosing what to wear.  I'm heading home today for Thanksgiving and I'm super excited to see my family.  I'm packing my clothes as we speak.  The problem is what to wear for Thanksgiving.  I have plenty of work clothes and I recently purchased some new weekend kick-around-in clothes too.  But I don't have any thing for special occasions.  Who cares, right?  The holiday is about enjoying the privilege of spending time with family.  They won't care what I wear.  My brain knows this.  My family members are awesome people and very supportive.  But as I slip into this dress and that shirt which doesn't fit me at all, I feel hideous and ashamed of my body all over again.  Now it doesn't help that I've gained weight the last two weeks, but really, is anyone going to be able to distinguish a couple pounds?  Not likely.  I know they are just happy to see me, so why do I let myself get all worked up?  I look in that mirror and see not a woman who's made some mistakes along the path this year but who's made 35 pounds of progress, I see someone who's outwardly repulsive.

Maybe that's why I'm still stuck here in WeightLoss Land year after year.  I get mired in the shame and guilt and self-anger.  I don't know how that fits into eating exactly, but I'm sure it's a piece.  In the meantime, I just have to get my brain to move on.  I'm not perfect.  I will never be perfect.  My family, friends, husband, cats love me anyway.  Why can't I love myself???  Obviously that's a bigger question than I can answer today, but it's food for thought.

As for weigh day, it's 196.0, up +1 from last week and +2 from the week before that.


  1. I must admit to being mildly addicted to the show "What Not To Wear," and it seems the hosts frequently discover women's issues with themselves are guilt, self-anger, and distorted body image, all three of which you seem to be feeling. They preach a mantra of positive messaging (most of the time) to just look objectively at the person in the mirror, trying to see her as a woman, not necessarily as you. That way you remove yourself from what you think you know about how you look, and just see what is in front of you.
    One of the most interesting experiments they have done (in my mind) was asking a woman to draw an outline of what she thought were her body proportions on a wall in marker. Then they actually traced her frame. She imagined herself as about 3-5 inches wider in all areas than she really was!
    Short story: you're not repulsive. You're fitting into sizes you haven't fit into in a long time, if ever! That's MARVELOUS progress. Don't look at yourself in the mirror, look at the woman in the mirror you see with your eyes, not your brain. She looks good, doesn't she? I know she does, because I've seen your recent photos on here. She looks really good.
    Have a happy Thanksgiving. Don't despair if you have a gluttonous food day. Just eat some extra veggies and forgive yourself. Holiday pounds come off again.

    - chelsea

  2. What great comments Chelsea made! I couldn't have said it half as well.
    Your self-critique reminds me of the parents who, looking at the straight A report card, say, "What, no A pluses?"
    You've done great work these past months. Celebrate!