W17, Day 4: Little birds

Well, only a few days left until the dreaded 30.  Ick.  I've been pretty busy this week with various busy nothings at home, in the yard, for work, etc.  And all the while, in the back of my mind is the thought that the last days are slipping by, little lost birds scampering off into days past.  So what is it I fear so much?  I suppose many of the things I fear are common for many people, and I recognize that many are shallow and selfish, but they keep popping into my mind anyway.

*Am I old?  Is my youth at an end?  Am I at the halfway mark of my life? I worry that I am at times, another incentive to get my weight and corresponding high blood pressure under control.

*Have I made good use of my twenties?  Did I enjoy the time that I was granted?  This is sort of a silly thing to worry about when one can't go back and re-cage those lost days.  I start to second guess myself.  I think I have been happy, but have I???

*Am I happy with where I am in life?  I have many blessings.  I love my husband and he's loving and kind in return; I love my family; I marvel everyday that we are blessed with a house and yard, I feel lucky to be employed full time.  There are things I want of course:  to be lovely (okay, I warned you, it's shallow) and good, a baby (too expensive right now), more cats, a dinner date with Orlando Bloom (that's probably not going to happen!), music, books, a new career path perhaps?  But overall, I feel satisfied with my life.  But what if, what if, what if.  I guess at some point you just have to live with the what ifs.

But in a few days, I'll be thirty.  And yup, I'm still fat.  I want so much to win through this.  But what if ten years worth of little birds fly by and I'm waking through the dream to find that I'm turning forty, and yup, I'm still fat.  I don't know whether to hope, or not to hope, that I have bigger problems to think about then. Until then, I'm dragging onto these last few days, opening the cages slowly before my birds can fly out.

W17, Day 1: Gain, gain, go away, don't come back another day....

Okay, today's weigh in didn't go well.  By Saturday morning, it was looking really good.  Then we went out for dinner and ice-cream on Saturday night.  That would have been okay, except that the next morning was Easter, complete with Easter brunch.  And, yes, I'd like to further admit that for dinner on Easter, we had frozen pizza *gasp at the unhealthiness of it all*.  I'm sure by now you're clucking your tongue in a 'tsk tsk tsk' pattern, but hold on to your salivary glands, there's more.

On Monday, I did well during the day, but then went out to dinner at Chevy's with friends before going to book club (where I also ate two small cream puffs).  Yeesh.  If I had eaten like this on any one of those days, the scale today would have been all right.  But three days out of seven is not very good, especially in a row.  So, the damage:  I gained +1.0 pounds, putting me at 209.4.  I seem to be bouncing around in these few pounds, and in truth, I feel I'm struggling with focus.  I know what has to be done, but I've lost some of the fire.   And yet, I still want the same things.  I want to be healthy.  In control.  And (I'm not gonna lie, shallow though it may be) I want to be pretty.  I don't think I'm going to make the 207 goal by next Tuesday (my birthday), though I've been there last weekend before the splurge, so I'm not crazy disappointed because I know I'm close.

I'm so anxious though about not gaining more in the next two weekends, but in my heart of hearts, I think it may happen.  Next weekend we're going to celebrate my birthday (Yes, we're celebrating both days...it's my 30th b-day and I should get to be a diva) and we'll have family staying with us and I'm worried I'm not going to want to resist food and I'll gain.  Then, the next weekend I'm going home for Mother's Day and a new food environment is tough too.  I just need to get through these next two weekends and then I can turn it around and really focus.  I realize that sounds like an excuse and I really don't mean it to be, but rather simply an acceptance of the challenges before me and permission to not be perfect for the next two weeks.   Meh.

W16, Day 5: Love and Ice-Cream

Today we spent our usual Saturday afternoon working in the yard.  We were so hungry afterwards and there was nothing in the fridge (always a bad combination), so we went out for chicken udon.  It's a relatively healthy choice when eating out and I even gave half the noodles in the bowl to my husband.  Afterwards though, I suggested getting a scoop of ice-cream.  I had been craving ice-cream for awhile and it just seemed so fun:  going out to dinner with my husband, window shopping...getting ice-cream seemed like a next logical step.

Again, I wonder at the relationship between the expression of love and food.  I felt great joy at being in the ice-cream shop with my husband.  I was literally bouncing around, glancing from flavor to flavor, eager as a pre-schooler. I actually sampled a couple flavors (something I never do since I almost always pick strawberry) before picking a different flavor.  So good.  I felt so much joy as I slowly licked my cone.  I know, not healthy, but I don't eat ice-cream often and it just felt worth it.  I'm worried about Easter tomorrow and I don't want to gain weight this week--or even stay the same again--but it may happen.  I still have to go with that ice-cream cone as being worth it, though at the same time, it still concerns me that food makes me so happy.  A date with my husband is lovely, but add something tasty and it's wonderful.   Yet, we're still the same people, the feelings and understandings between us are the same, but food enhances life somehow.  I've got to learn to enjoy life first and food second.

In the meantime, here's me enjoying my ice cream:

W16, Day 3: Will Work for Peanuts

This week my students have been taking state assessments and it makes me think back to my days as a student.  I loved the testing time of year.  Yes, I know, I'm weird, but I don't really mind taking tests so much.  Besides, I had a major incentive to enjoy testing time--peanuts!  Oh, and raisins too.

When I was in primary grades, the teachers would get big bags of peanuts and raisins mixed together to pass out to each student in these little plastic cups on state test days.  I don't know what they did about kids who had peanut allergies, but I just loved it.  Of course I did, it's food, right?  Every time the little plastic cup emptied, the teacher would come by and give me more "brain food".  Loved it.  Isn't it crazy the things you remember from being little?  I remember those peanuts.  I don't know if it made an impression on the other kids, but hey, obviously, I'm totally willing to work for peanuts.

W16, Day 1: Weigh Day

Weigh day.  <---------- Notice there's no exclamation point, so you can probably guess what that means...Well, it's not all that bad because I didn't gain, but I didn't lose any weight either.  So, weighed in today at 208.4, which puts me at +/- 0.0 for the week.  Ah well, at least I didn't gain anything, right?  This weekend I will do better and hopefully see some loss next week.  This is always a hard time of year for me, weight-wise, because it's a combination of Easter (I avoid the candy, even though I love jelly beans), my birthday (gotta celebrate with food, right?), and Mother's Day (a trip home with exposure to different foods).  To be entirely truthful, last year I just gave up on my diet for a good month during this stretch last year.  I'm not going to do that this year, but I'm also going to be a little forgiving to myself in the next three weeks.

Still, I'm already looking past 207 and towards the 203.  Workin' it, workin' it, workin it.  I notice that lately my resolve is slipping a bit and I need to refocus myself to stay within the boundries of a normal food day.  But why does everything look so much more tempting and interesting when I don't have any points left?  After four months of 'lifestyle change' (not supposed to call it dieting), my self-control muscles are getting tired already.  I can't wait until there's more of the summer fruit available for a reasonable price.  It's so much easier to stay on track when there is a plethora of ripe, fresh fruit to fill up on.   Peaches, plums, watermelon, cantaloupe, strawberries, apricots, and honeydew melon...mmmm, dreaming of nature's bounty.  Too bad it'll be a year or two before my little trees take off with their own fruit!

W15, Day 7: Cheesecake

Okay, I want to say outright that I'm not looking forward to this weigh day, but I'm ready for it to come so that I can move forward for a new week.  I have to own that I made some poor food choices this weekend.  It's going to sound awful in the black type as I write this, but I can only say that I truly did try to limit the amount of the poor food choices I made, but I was in a different environment with temptations outside my realm of ordinary.  So, this weekend I had two absolutely delicious pancakes, a good deal of caramel kettlecorn, a carnitas burrito, and a good deal more cheesecake than was good for me.  Oh, and some chocolate frosting on a spoon tonight.  Yeesh.

I guess I am of two minds about my food transgressions, calling to my mind the famous introductory sentence, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness..."  And so it was.  It was wonderful to see family this weekend and to be home and just to take a break for the severity of my daily food grind (I really gotta get back into looking for new recipes to take some of the dull out of the diet, but that's another post!) and eat like a normal person, but it also reminded me that I don't eat like a normal person and that's why I'm at the weight I am.  When I am exposed to tempting, different food, my brain kicks into high gear with a big, "WANT!!!  GIMMIE GIMMIE!" in huge neon letters.  I tried to be wise in the portions I was eating, if not the foods themselves, but that doesn't necessarily mean I really did a good job. 


 But it felt so good to eat good tasting things again.  So good.  Too good.  I'm so frustrated on a deeper level.  Beneath the food satisfaction is an anger at myself that I can't control my relationship with food, my wanting.   My inability to resist temptation exposes the true fact that what I am doing with WW is really only controlling behaviors in a superficial way, it's not changing the underlying problems that have made me fat to begin with.  Or, I can't say 'begin with' since I feel I've been this way for forever.  WW says that if you go on long enough this way, the true change will happen in the brain as you build new pathways, replacement behaviors, and experiences.  But I'm afraid.  Deep down I'm afraid it will always be this way.  I see this struggle tunneling down through the years of my life.  Almost makes you want to run out for a piece of cheesecake, doesn't it?

W15, Day 5: Shrinking??

Yesterday evening, I asked my husband to measure me with the tape measure.  It's one of those things that you really need someone else to help you with for exact measurements.  It also really requires a certain level of intimacy with the measurer, not just because of physical proximity, but also because of the embarrassment factor to the huge numbers getting marked down in my WW book.

Recently, we watched Gone With the Wind and there's the scene after Scarlett's had her baby and her waist is measuring in at a disappointing 20 inches...oh heavens!  How can she ever be considered a lovely example of womanhood?  Of course, she is wearing a corset, which certainly makes a difference, beauty of course being worth crushed ribs and organs.  Corset or no, a small waist is a sign of beauty.  I've heard it said that a small waist and large hips is ideal because it draws back to the subconscious idea that such a woman will be good at childbearing.  Regardless of the reason for small waists, let us just say that my waist is nowhere near 20 inches.

The worst part about measuring is that it makes me feel like I am going no where.  It's been a month and a half since my last measurement and I've only lost five pounds, so it's not like I can expect huge losses.  But still, I was disappointed.  Apparently, in the last month and a half, I've only lost those five pounds in one spot because my measurements were all exactly the same except for two areas, one a decrease, one an increase (Increase??!  Really?!  Argh!!).  So, I gained an inch and half in my stomach and lost an inch from my bust.  In my opinion, that's a double affront.  It reminds me of those old Slimquick commercials where the lady loses her boobs while dieting (link posted below).  Really though, sometimes progress seems so slow.  It wouldn't be so bad if the weight was leaving my waist.  Too bad a person can't spot choose weight loss!  Maybe I need to do more sit-ups to tighten up my belly?  I'd certainly prefer not to lose any more chest if I can help it!

Slimquick Commerial:  "Now we're both unhappy."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v687XzEncqo&feature=related

W15, Day 2: Baking disasters

I have a confession to make:  I cannot bake an angel food cake.  I love angel food cake.  It's so fluffy, wonderful with strawberries and cool whip, low fat, and relatively healthy as cakes go.  Sounds great, right?  Except that I can't make it worth a darn.

Okay, I'll admit, I've only tried making angel food cake twice.  The first time, it exploded in the oven.  And caught fire.  No seriously, that really happened.  I wanted to make a treat to celebrate a special event for my husband so I decided to make him a cake.  But I wanted to be healthy too.  So I mixed together the cake and popped it in the oven, only to hear popping and cracking.  Soon I smelled smoke.  Opening the door, I saw bits of cake literally flying out of the pan and into the oven.  What the heck is that??!  I couldn't pull it out of the oven because it wasn't cooked yet.  In the end, I ended up with a gooey, scorched pan full of "cake".  My husband came home, walked through the door, and immediately asked, "What burned???"

Having been several years, I thought I'd try it again.  First, I'd like to note that despite following the directions on the box, I think I overcooked it.  But here's what it should look like:

Someone, obviously a not-angel-food-cake-challenged person, made a lovely cake here, crispy and golden on top, but it still looks light and fluffy.  Yum.  Okay, so mine doesn't look too far off.... :

Oh for goodness sake, it's just pathetic.  Apparently I should stick to cupcakes, but darn, I was really craving some angel food cake.  Okay, okay, yes, I did eat some of it anyway, despite being pathetic looking...it's still cake, right?  But it was hard on the outside and gummy on the inside.  The solution?  Obviously it's slather on some chocolate frosting and hope for the best.  *Sigh*

W15, Day 1: Here it comes again

Yup, Tuesday, Weigh Day.  So, on day one of week fifteen, I'm at 208.4, which makes me down 1.6 and puts me at -20.6 pounds total, with 58.4 to go.  Ugh, 58.4 seems like a long way, but at least that number is under 60 pounds.  And of course, I am getting closer to the 207 mark.  My personal weight goals are completely idiosyncratic, but my goal after that number is 203.  I've noticed that there are certain weights that my body seems to rest on for some period of time.  It's almost as if my body feels most comfortable at particular, random weights.  Is that possible?  Maybe I'm just imagining it, but I've noticed that my body gravitates around 203, in a comfortable orbit within a few ounces of the number.

After 203, my next goals are simple:  200, followed by 199.  There is something profound about stepping on the scale and seeing that first number register as a one, to be on the one hundred side of things instead of the two.  Beyond that, I'm shooting for 190, the lowest I ever reached since joining WW and the lowest weight I'd been since high school.  It all seems like such a long way away.  But, as I'm fifteen weeks into this project and I've no intention of stopping yet, all I can do is put my head down and keep on trudging onward, pausing occasionally for a cupcake.  (Well, nobody's perfect, right?)

But for today, being down 1.6 pounds this week is a small matter for rejoicing in and of itself.  Sometimes I forget that I need to stop and enjoy the little triumphs....and try not to celebrate too freely with the cupcakes.  So, with my bottle of water held high in the air, a toast to the little things!

W14, Day 6: Food Rewards

I love to reward myself with food.  Little rewards for a day well done.  Or a day poorly done, to cheer me up.  Or a tiring day.  Or a wonderful day, leaving me brimming with positivity and optimism.  Obviously, I like to reward myself with food regardless of the day.

My favorite reward?  Candy.  Hands down, that's my number one preferred thing.

I thought this picture a fitting visual.  It's just so true for me (and probably other people out there too?).  I could easily eat candy every day.  In fact, I would love to eat candy everyday because I get a feeling of deep satisfaction and even relief from rewarding myself that way.  Sadly, that's not really a healthy, daily option.  Throughout the years of doing WW, I've found some food and drinks that are suitable replacements as reward foods, but I thought perhaps in this post, I'd ask the audience if anyone else has any foods that they really enjoy that are low in calories or fat.  Reward foods need not be anything especially special or exotic, but simply foods or drinks that bring you a momentary smile or pleasured sigh, a brief moment of satisfaction or joy.

 For instance, my reward foods are:
*Snapple's diet peach or raspberry tea
*fruit salad (fruit of most any kind...)
*a cup of strong, plain coffee (I don't drink coffee often, so it's a bit of a treat)
*A light frappuccino
*low fat chocolate biscotti
*Go Girl drinks
*Cool whip and jello
*A slice of angel food cake
*Popcorn
*PopChips

I'd really like to know what your favorite treats or snacks are.  Do you have something that you come home and sink into with sigh or a grin of delight?