W15, Day 7: Cheesecake

Okay, I want to say outright that I'm not looking forward to this weigh day, but I'm ready for it to come so that I can move forward for a new week.  I have to own that I made some poor food choices this weekend.  It's going to sound awful in the black type as I write this, but I can only say that I truly did try to limit the amount of the poor food choices I made, but I was in a different environment with temptations outside my realm of ordinary.  So, this weekend I had two absolutely delicious pancakes, a good deal of caramel kettlecorn, a carnitas burrito, and a good deal more cheesecake than was good for me.  Oh, and some chocolate frosting on a spoon tonight.  Yeesh.

I guess I am of two minds about my food transgressions, calling to my mind the famous introductory sentence, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness..."  And so it was.  It was wonderful to see family this weekend and to be home and just to take a break for the severity of my daily food grind (I really gotta get back into looking for new recipes to take some of the dull out of the diet, but that's another post!) and eat like a normal person, but it also reminded me that I don't eat like a normal person and that's why I'm at the weight I am.  When I am exposed to tempting, different food, my brain kicks into high gear with a big, "WANT!!!  GIMMIE GIMMIE!" in huge neon letters.  I tried to be wise in the portions I was eating, if not the foods themselves, but that doesn't necessarily mean I really did a good job. 


 But it felt so good to eat good tasting things again.  So good.  Too good.  I'm so frustrated on a deeper level.  Beneath the food satisfaction is an anger at myself that I can't control my relationship with food, my wanting.   My inability to resist temptation exposes the true fact that what I am doing with WW is really only controlling behaviors in a superficial way, it's not changing the underlying problems that have made me fat to begin with.  Or, I can't say 'begin with' since I feel I've been this way for forever.  WW says that if you go on long enough this way, the true change will happen in the brain as you build new pathways, replacement behaviors, and experiences.  But I'm afraid.  Deep down I'm afraid it will always be this way.  I see this struggle tunneling down through the years of my life.  Almost makes you want to run out for a piece of cheesecake, doesn't it?

Week 1, Day 3; Goals!

Woke up in the middle of the night hungry...really hungry...but eventually sleepy won out and I stayed put in bed.  I'm staying for a few days with family and I don't think they'd really understand me digging in their fridge for carrots at 4 a.m.  Felt nauseated during the morning, probably from hunger, so I had a heartier breakfast.  Today we went as a family to the movie theater, which was quite an experience to take in the sights, the smells--of the popcorn that is--and still worse than that buttered temptation was a change in routine that placed the movie squarely during lunchtime.  A postponed lunch by two hours when my stomach was already aching was daunting indeed.  But, I made it though the movie, cushioned by gum, confusion about the plot line, and a growing need to use the restroom that kept me from focusing on my empty tummy.  I felt proud to make it though the quick trip to the grocery store afterwards, silently repeating the mantra, "This is fuel, this is just fuel, fuel, fuel, fuel," as I ogled the bagels and Chinese food.  Back at home, I enjoyed some fruit salad, yogurt, and a piece of bread.  One thing I have to say about starting to diet, I think I may be appreciating the food I eat more.  I savored each and every bite, savored the texture of the bread, enjoyed it to the extreme. 

But, moving right along and switching topics, today I wanted to set forth some goals for myself.  Weight Watchers says that you should focus on losing one to two pounds a week and I do feel that's very doable.  If I average one pound a week, then in a year I would be 50 pounds lighter (giving myself a couple of weeks there where I don't lose anything).  The first number that comes to mind about where I want to be is 199 pounds. I've stood on that brink, between being on the two hundred pound side and the one hundred pound side and promised myself to never step over again--and here I am again.  The times I've reached that number I've felt proud and in control of myself and I want to regain that.  After that, 175 is the next critical number that comes to mind because for my body, that's the line in b.m.i. that divides 'overweight' from 'obese,' a label that has cut into my heart since it was placed there in a 10th grade P.E. class.  Not that I haven't earned the label, I'm certainly not denying that responsibility, but it's just that I've spent half my life longing to be "normal," (Long discussions could ensue here, but I'll save them for another day).  I've spent almost half my life being obese and I just feel ready for change.  Ultimately, I'm shooting for somewhere around 150 pounds or 150-175 pounds.  I have been asked, isn't that selling myself short? Shouldn't I shoot for thinner?  In truth, I don't envision myself as a slim person.  Is that wrong?  I'll never be slender or tiny or all the other descriptions that we mark as beautiful, and I don't feel I need to be.  I'm okay with having some hips and curves....just maybe a bit less.  If I follow the plan faithfully I should be able to be close to my goal of 175 pounds by this time next year.  I feel ready for the challenge.