W27, Day 6: Bacon anyone?

So I've been waiting to write this post for a while because it's a topic that so many people love:  bacon.  Mmm, that crispy goodness, each blissful bite of well-cooked bacon (none of that undercooked, soggy cafeteria mess).  Turkey bacon is all right and I'm not in love with soy bacon, though it's palatable, but did you know the range of edible bacon products goes much further than that?  Yes, there are some crazy bacon products out there ranging from lampshades to bacon bras (interesting, eh?), but when you really think of bacon, your mental image is probably something like this:

On a recent trip to Cost Plus, I was surprised to notice several interesting bacon products.  Just like the real thing, I probably wouldn't be partaking much of them because they're mostly as or more unhealthy, but it was still interesting.  For instance, have you ever considered bacon syrup?

I suppose maybe some people might like this in pancakes or on eggs, and hey, who wouldn't love a bacon snow cone?  YUM-MY, right?  (Btw, I'm kidding here, I cannot imagine buying bacon syrup!)  But, perhaps more appetizing is Baconnaise?  A mixture of bacon flavor and mayo, this product seems more likely as something I could see myself eating.  Potentially, it could really flavor-up a plain turkey sandwich or a little dollup might go in an egg sandwich.  What do you think?  Potentially gross or goodness?

The next item is something I have tried and I've found people tend to either love it or hate it:  bacon chocolate.  Personally, it tasted extremely nasty.  No danger to my diet there; it tasted like Baco bits stuck in chocolate and had a strange texture.  However, some people love the smoky flavor and feel the chocolate adds another dimension to the bacon.  Uh.  Yuck.  But hey, it does come in both regular and dark chocolate varieties.

The last product seems feasible:  bacon lip balm.  Maybe this could be a big hit with dieters.  Want bacon but can't eat it?  No problem!  There's a no fat solution--just slather this replacement product on your lips.  Or, perhaps it would actually do the opposite?  Maybe all that bacon flavoring would make you begin craving the real thing?  Just in case, maybe I'd better stick with my plain old chap stick.  But hey, if you're one of those folks who crave bacon all the time, there you go.  Problem solved!  

W27, Day 4; Exercise Questions

 Yesterday I'd planned on going to the gym, but was so pooped that I skipped out, so today I made sure that I went after a work training.  I have to say that going to the gym is a big time commitment.  This is probably my biggest negative issue with going--I am a total time freak.  I hate to see it slip by, to be late, or to feel I misspent it.  I totally know that exercise is a worthwhile endeavor, but I do hate to see losing an hour and a half go by (one hour to work out, the rest to get dressed, drive there, check in, etc.)  On the other hand, I have to remind myself, what else would I be doing?  Losing an hour of Facebook, t.v., reading, or general puttering around isn't going to kill me.   Quite the opposite in fact, maybe the exercise will strengthen my body, heart, mind.

Sometimes getting myself to the gym can be challenging because I don't think that I feel like going, but once I'm there it's fine.  I do my thing on the elliptical.  It's funny but the first day I did the elliptical I thought I was going to die in the first minute.  Three minutes in, I thought I wasn't going to be able to go on.  I stopped at least four times in that half hour to rest.  Now I can do it all the way through without a break, though I often stop for about 30 seconds somewhere at the twenty minute mark to try to make my right foot stop tingling (it goes numb by the end if I don't).  I feel somewhat accomplished.

During the second half of my workout, I do things like squats, lunges, crunches, and weights.  There also I see little bits of growth.  For instance, the first day I did squats it was really hard and I was sore for days.  Now I feel it when I do the squats, but I'm not sore the next day.  It's interesting how something can be very difficult when the trainer shows it to me, but within a few times of doing that exercise during my workouts--like lifting weights--it's a lot easier.

Honestly, it kind of makes me wonder if I'm doing it wrong or something because it's too easy.  While I wait to ask the trainer, I'm upping the weights on most everything I do.  From my last two sessions, I notice the trainer doesn't seem to want to make me push myself anywhere near my limits.  Should an exercise be difficult to do?  Should I be sore?  If I'm not sore or I don't feel like it's hard to do, is it still beneficial?  Some of weights the trainer gave me just seem too light--I don't feel anything.  Should I stick with her plan anyway or push myself to keep upping the weights?  I just want to get the best outcome for my time.  I don't want to go on and on if it's not beneficial, but I also don't have any exercise background.  I don't know anything about weight training.  Anyone have an answer?

P.S.  This reveals my inner dork, but I sort of like using the weighted bar because it makes me feel like a Jedi.  Watch out for my lightsaber!

W27, Day 2: Reflections

This evening I went clothes shopping.  This can be a hit or miss activity.  It feels like I either find a lot of stuff that fits me, or nothing.  Finding things validates my feelings of self-worth; looking like a stuffed sausage in everything makes me feel terrible.  Since I was already feeling terrible today, it's a good thing for me that I found a couple shirts and sweaters on clearance that fit me well and looked fine.  I know, I know, you might be thinking, "Why on Earth does she need clothes shopping to bolster her self-respect?  Stand up and accept yourself, woman!"  I know this is true, but I have just been feeling so down about my body this week.  It's been months and I've gone nowhere.  I'm not talking about quitting or anything, how can I?  This has become a normality.  Though it doesn't always feel like it, I have actually altered many negative behaviors, not just in this last seven months, but in the last few years with my many attempts at WW.

Let's see what's improved over the years:
*I don't eat ice-cream every night---or hardly ever for that matter (Okay, okay, maybe 1-2 times per month on average).
*We don't eat out 4-5 nights a week.  I can't believe we used to eat out like that, but we did.  It sort of shocks me to remember, actually.
*I eat a lot more fruit and dairy (yogurt and cottage cheese mostly) and a lot fewer carbs.
*I try to be more conscious of the nutrition in a food rather than just what it might taste like.
*I eat much smaller portions of foods than I used to and I get fuller faster.
*I'm trying to be more active whenever possible, whether it's working in the garden or going to the gym.

So then, the question remains:  why aren't I losing weight?  It's hard to answer fully, but it feels like my brain is sabotaging me.  I do well for days and then blow it all with a large/unhealthy meal or day that puts me back for a whole week.  In this week's case, it was actually several days in a row.  I have a very hard time moderating myself around other people.  It's almost like somehow having people around magically makes it okay for me to eat the way I want rather than the way I should.  Obviously not true.

And then I get frustrated, upset, and just plain old angry.  I start with the whys.  Why does it have to be so damn hard?  Why does it seem harder for me than for others? (I'm sure this isn't actually true, but in the moment it feels so).  Why can my husband eat the same things as me and more and not gain anything? (Good metabolism, more muscle, being male, etc.)   Why does my brain fight me when I know the food is not good for me?  Why can't I just lose weight?  Why, why, why is it so hard for me?  Because it is.

All I can do is keep throwing myself against that wall and hope it comes down before my determination and will get too battered.  I still think I can do it.

W27, Day 1: Ugh.

Weigh day today.  At 208.4 today, which puts me up 0.6 this week.  So basically, yup, I'm still fat.  And frustrated.  And even though I went to the gym, I also ate a club sandwich, fries, and a gelato today.  Could I have picked a salad instead?  Sure, but why ruin the upward trend, eh?  *Head banging*

W26, Day 6: Tossing cookies...

Okay, I'd planned for a different post for today, but this seems more timely.  I'm mad at myself.  I've fallen off my wagon this week....I fell off the wagon and then it ran over me.  Things started out well enough.  I had recovered from the Southern California trip well, eating right and doing my gym routines.  Then we had dinner with friends.  I didn't do very well with the pizza and dessert, but I'd been to the gym that day and eaten very sparingly knowing we'd be eating out.  The next day was okay, though I had family visiting so we got an ice-cream sandwich.  Okay, in the larger scope of things, some pizza and an ice-cream sandwich isn't really the end of the world.  Except that it's a slippery slope.  Food is seductive to me.  I know this and I try to stay on my guard around it, but the next thing you know, we're eating jellybeans by the handful and other sweets are calling my name.  I didn't even bother to keep track of the points on Thursday and Friday.  How do I let this happen?

So last night things got a little food crazy during "Movie Night" with a series of snacks including (but not limited to) ice-cream, popcorn, crackers, a mochi ball, and three margaritas.  How the hell did I let that happen?  But it was so easy to slip into an evening of just eating and munching away.  This was a shade of old behaviors that I'd hoped to have left behind me.  I woke up this morning sick and was soon tossing up cookies.  (By the way, this was an entirely natural event, no need for an intervention or anything!)  I think that it was just too much of everything for me and my body protested.  I'm not used to eating that way anymore, but it amazes me how easily I could fall into it again.  I could just eat and eat and eat and be happy...up until the moment that the food bliss ends and I fall into the pit of self-loathing that's always there waiting for me.

Recently on our trip to Southern California I bought this piece of pottery.  When I got it home, I realized it's sort of fitting for me!  Well, the consequences of this week are that I feel all queasy and gross and I'm going to have to face a gain for the second week in a row on the scale on Tuesday.  *Sigh*

W26, Day 1: Weigh Day

Today I met with my trainer again and she gave me a new set of exercises to do.  I dutifully brought home the list of exercises and made my own notes on them because it seems that exercise has its own language and I'm not a fluent speaker yet.  For example, she wrote on my sheet "calf raises" and I stood at home wondering what the heck that meant until it dawned on me, "Oh!  Stand on my tippy-toes like a ballerina!  Got ya!"

I get the impression that the trainer, while very nice, is worried about overwhelming me with too much.  She keeps asking me if I'm okay (Yes, I'm fine...I'm sweating like Niagara Falls, but that's no big deal) and giving me tasks that almost feel too simple or the weights too light.  I think I am going to just try some heavier weights the next time I do some of those exercises.  She also asks me if I'd like to do more when we are doing sets of things.  Um, would I like to?  No...but should I be doing more?  I find this confusing because I don't know if I should be doing more to get better results or if I'm doing the appropriate amount.  On the other hand, we did some crunches today and I felt those plenty.  I don't want to sound overzealous or too enthusiastic because I'm really not, but I do want to make an honest effort to do the best I can.  I'm trying to make this exercise a part of my normal daily routinue--normal as showering or going on Facebook--now during the summer so that when I return to work, it would feel unnatural not to exercise.

On another subject, today is weigh day.  Meh.  Well, it wasn't going to be good after my food tour of Southern California (I'm still jonesing for another beef cilantro roll).  I knew this already.  Unsurprisingly, I gained 1.8 pounds, putting me once again at 207.8.  Sometimes I feel like I am mired in quicksand and I'm struggling hard enough to keep my head above the surface, but not enough to free that inner me that wants out of this body.  All that kicking and fighting, hungering and wanting just to keep from sinking.  Maybe I have to come to the understanding that the inner me is not going to escape out of me, but rather I am that person.  I'm stuck with this property, for better or worse, so I'd better keep working on the exterior renovations.

W25, Day 5: Vacation!

So, despite my best intentions, my resolve to eat healthfully on our recent vacation pretty much flew out the window--okay, okay, maybe I gave it a little push out that window--from the very first day.  I noticed food all around from the moment we arrived at the airport at lunchtime.  Still, after looking at all the options, I shared a turkey sandwich and some fruit with my husband for lunch with a tiny block of chocolate as a reward for behaving myself.  So far, so good.  But as soon as we stepped off the plane and met our friends we went to In-N-Out.  Now, I could have chosen to not eat or just get a soda, but is that me?  Heck no.  I love In-N-Out.  After that it was all downhill...ice-cream and a churro at Disneyland, jamoncillo and a cupcake in L.A., late night soft tacos, wine, pancakes, and the crowning glory, beef and cilantro rolls wrapped in onion fry bread and steamed dumplings.  As I mentioned in a status update on Facebook, I felt like I was eating my way across Southern California.

Perhaps I should feel regretful, guilty, or embarrassed about my food behavior.  To be entirely honest with you, I don't.  I wasn't eating because I was out of all control, but rather because I was on vacation with friends and I suppose we were eating to enhance the experience of the activities  in which we were engaged.  For instance, Disneyland was tons of fun, but it was even better with a churro.  Is this bad?  I suppose if it were to continue on now that we're back home it would be because that's how I got to this point to begin with.  However, we came home and got back to the business of healthful eating and have returned to our gym schedule.   If our vacation had been a true food binge, I would not be back in control today.  Besides, I enjoyed every minute of this trip--it ended far too soon!--and I can't bring it in me to regret my food choices.

So, while I regret that I will have regressed on the scale, I am still feeling good overall.  I enjoyed myself, but I'm back on track now.  But dang, that beef roll sure was delicious--good thing the restaurant is hours away!

W25, Day 1: On the road again

Weigh Day.  And I say that with a smile this week.  These last two weeks I've been working really hard at the gym and with changing our eating patterns a little bit.  No, I didn't go for the five separate meals a day, but I have been adding two snacks to my day, including a lot more protein and calcium.  I've also been trying to listen to my body more closely and allow myself to eat when I'm hungry.  Sounds like, duh, right?  But I usually keep myself to a strict schedule of when and what I can eat, so if I'm hungry at 8 p.m.--really hungry, not just bored, tired, upset, etc.--then I'll have a snack and head to the gym.  I find that I like working out later at night the best.  That's going to be unfeasible when we go back to work, but for right now, 9-11 p.m. is prime time to head out there for some cardio and muscle building.

Well, the change up of exercise and diet must be working because I lost 1.8 pounds this week, putting me at 206.0 for a total loss of -23 pounds (with a lot more to go).  I'm very excited to see some progress and to get to my lowest point so far in this year of WW.  I'm also pretty nervous because I want to keep that loss and hold it tight to me, but we're headed down to visit some old friends in Southern California for the next few days.  Away from my controlled environment and the gym, it's so easy to gain, especially in fun settings around buddies.  I'm trying already to make my mind focus on my goals and envision good choices that I can make when we eat out.  Here we go!

W24, Day 4: Alterations

Today I stayed indoors most of the day because we had tree trimmers over to cut down a large tree in our backyard.  As I anxiously listened for the booms and crashes of branches falling, I couldn't help imagining my beloved little garden being smashed to bits.  To keep my mind on something else, I decided to tackle some of the alterations that I've been intending to do forever.  I have a dress that I've owned for two years and never worn because the straps needed to be shortened.  I'd always planned to have a tailor fix it, but never gotten around to taking it in to a shop.  I also had a couple of shirts that needed to be taken in on the sides--a good sign in terms of weight loss.

There is something mentally transformative about altering clothing, as if it is not just the shirt that is gaining curves, but the understanding that my body too is gaining a new shape.  Obviously the body changes are going on all the time in this slow crawl that is weight loss, but you get so used to seeing yourself in the mirror every day that you lose sight of all that has really happened to your body.  I suppose it's like aging, the changes happen so minutely that you don't realize until one day you look and see that you have aged.  The recognition happens in a flash.  Except with losing weight, the reaction is a surprised, but pleasant visage.

I love the way the dress came out and I'm going to wear it to a party tonight, which made me feel really positive about my body.  The shirts are now much more form-fitted, so I can wear them again without them looking baggy.  The seams are not smooth and polished inside (I don't have a serger), but since I'm probably the only one who'll be looking at my shirt seams, I felt pretty peachy about it.  If only it were as easy to alter my body as it is to sew a shirt seam...I guess that's called plastic surgery!

By the way, this is just about the most awesome pincushion I have ever seen.  I so want one!  You might be wondering, which one: the cupcake or the pincushion?  Yes.  :)

W24, Day 1: Weigh day this way comes

So, weigh day.  First let me say that I have worked harder this week in both exercise and sticking with my plan than in months.  I only used ten of my forty-nine weekly food allowance points.  I worked, worked, worked that elliptical.  I stretched and flexed and sucked in my core in pilates.  I pretended I was Arnold ("I'll be back!") and I used weight machines to build my arm, shoulder, and chest muscles.  I ached.

I've also been trying to stay more active the rest of the day too, with cleaning, shopping (hey, shoppercise keeps the body moving too), walking, and gardening.  I'm trying to avoid the trap of the couch.

In terms of food, I've really been pushing myself to not eat the comfort things I normally do eat, though I had a good deal of tortilla chips on Wednesday and a soft serve ice-cream on Saturday.  Except for these two things, I worked really hard to stay on the healthful side of things.  Yesterday when I met with the personal trainers, they told me that I am eating too much fruit, especially in the evening (no fruit after 3 p.m....that's tough!) and not enough protein.

They want me to change my system of three main meals--breakfast, lunch, and dinner--and go to five or six smaller, protein-filled meals.  To be entirely honest with you, I find this sort of threatening.  It's a break with my normal rhythm of eating, which obviously isn't working that great for me, but still, it's a big mental change.  I recently read an piece of a book that was talking about ways of dealing with compulsive over-eating and she counsels people to give up their diet entirely to re-learn how to eat solely based on how their body feels.  I find this concept equally threatening.  I feel like I've been learning how to eat appropriately these last few years with WW.  Now breaking away from what I've struggled to master seems too hard, too scary.  I'll keep thinking about it, but for now, I'm going to stick with what I'm doing with WW, but modifying it to have a couple of higher protein snacks between meals to try to keep my metabolism at a more stable level.

All that said, I need to go back to weigh day.  I am at 207.8, for a loss of 1 pound exactly.  I won't lie and say I'm not disappointed.  First, this isn't the first time I've been at this number.  More importantly, I worked damn hard for that one pound and I feel like I put in my all time best effort and all it got me was one measly little pound.  Really?!!!  And alas, it's not due to muscle growth since apparently it takes 4-6 weeks to gain one pound of muscle.  Bummer.  But all I can do is try again this week, cut down the fruit, add more protein, and keep pumping away.

This picture helped me feel a little better about the small loss this week.  This is approximately what one pound of fat might look like.  So, I lost a soup can's worth of fat.  I'm still a bit bummed, but that helps me picture it at least.  Here's hoping for a soup can and a half next week!